Managing the emotional maelstrom
Accidentally harming another human being is one of the most
distressing experiences most of us can even imagine, and coping poses many challenges. Those of us who have caused accidental death or injury (CADIs) experience a wide range of emotional and cognitive difficulties. The first stage in healing is to learn to cope with these feelings, so that you can feel better, think more clearly, and function more effectively.
I would hallucinate while doing the dishes. All of a sudden it wasn’t
bubbly dishwater but bubbly blood coming out toward me. I was
afraid of being left alone. I was afraid of the children leaving the
house. I was hyper-alert, hyper-vigilant.
[S., accidentally killed a bicyclist in a car crash]
I had recurrent thoughts of the accident and a sense of reliving the
experience. Although I felt very emotional, I was unable to cry.
Sleeping was almost impossible. Death felt like the only way out of
[N., accidentally killed a motorcyclist in a car crash]
I stayed in my room for a whole month. I cried. I said, “Why did this
have to happen?” Images would come to my head. I would see the
blood on her.”
[T., accidentally shot and seriously injured his girlfriend]
If your accident occurred recently, you may experience some or all of the symptoms of acute stress. Difficulty coping with unresolved distress can become “Post-traumatic Stress Disorder” (PTSD), a common response to trauma. PTSD can appear soon after your
accident, or it may appear years later. Although exact statistics are
not available, I estimate that at least 25% of CADI’s develop PTSD.
Many more have some troubling symptoms.
Reactions to trauma
In the first few days or weeks after your accident, you may experience some of the following symptoms. These signal that you have been through a major trauma and need to exercise all your coping skills. Over time, the symptoms often go away. If they persist, or if they interfere with your daily life more than you want, you can obtain treatment.
1) Feeling numb, disconnected, detached, or dissociated from the
world around you or from yourself.
2) Sleep problems — having a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep,
or staying awake. You may have nightmares.
3) Flashbacks, thoughts, images, and memories of the accident may
dominate your inner life or interrupt and intrude on other thoughts
4) A high stress level, which can interfere with daily life and create
physical problems such as an upset stomach.
5) Sadness, grief, or depression. This may be pervasive or it may
come in waves. Guilt and shame may be closely related.
6) Fear, including fears you know to be irrational. You may want to
avoid certain places, settings, activities, or situations. You may feel
jumpy and startle easily. You may be “hyper-vigilant;” for instance,
you might need to check and re-check to make sure something or
somebody is safe.
7) Memory problems, including an inability to remember certain
aspects of the accident.
8) Irritation — you may feel more impatient, have a “shorter fuse,” be
quicker to anger.
9) Difficulty being loving, tender, or sexual.
10) A sense that you can never know happiness again, that you are a
“bad” person, and that the world is a “bad” and unsafe place.
What you can do
1) Be kind to yourself. The pain you feel is evidence of your humanity.
2) Keep in mind that you will not always feel this way, that you can
find a path to peace.
3) Don’t be afraid to ask for help — from doctors, counselors, clergy,
friends and family. Some hold back because they feel that they
deserve to suffer, but what is the point of turning yourself into
another victim of the accident? Definitely seek help if: (a) you feel suicidal, (b) you worry you cannot control your anger, (c) distress related to your accident interferes with your life (work, home life, relationships, mood, thinking, health, etc.) for more than one month. Here are a few ways to find a qualified therapist in the United States.
4) Do not abuse alcohol or drugs. You can ask a doctor to prescribe
medication to help you cope.
5) Do not neglect your overall health — try to eat sensibly, drink lots
of water, and exercise.
6) Be wary of advice that does not feel right to you. There are many
paths up this mountain to peace, and you can select the route that
feels right for you.
7) Review the Links and Good Books sections of this
website for additional information about acute and post-traumatic