About This Site

Coping with Causing a Serious Accident
A Site for Information, Support, and Healing

Who We Are

We are good people who have unintentionally harmed others, in accidents occurring on the roads, at work, at play, or around the home. I call us CADI’s (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). Most of us feel grief, guilt, and distress about our accidents. Over time, we learn that our mistake does not have to define us.

maryannWho I am

I am a social psychologist and educator. I am also a CADI, as a result of an accident in which an 8-year old boy ran in front of my car and was killed. I have been talking with and writing about CADIs for over ten years.


There is no easy path to peace. Each of us must find our own way through this dark night of the soul. Although we cannot change what happened, we can control how we respond. I believe that CADI’s face three challenges:

In this site, I share information and resources that may be helpful to you. I encourage you to share your ideas and experience. You can write me privately here, or add your comments so that other readers can benefit from your input.

117 thoughts on “About This Site”

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  1. Hello. Almost 27 yrs ago, I shot and killed a close friend of mine accidentally.

    The first 10 yrs after was a nightmare. I was very violent, moody, angry, depressed, etc. i turned to drugs and alcohol, things I never liked or did, just to cope. I would stick a gun to my head almost every night for about 2 yrs, but apparently I couldn’t do it, even though I wanted nothing else more so.

    I eventually landed in prison, which actually saved my life. I got clean from the substance abuse and could actually think rationally for once. I learned to deal with all of my problems so that I don’t end up there again.

    The one thing I’ve never been able to do is to forgive myself. When you take someone’s life as I did, playing with a gun, you realize that you’ve taken everything from that person. Yes, it was an accident, but I was responsible for it. I caused it. How does one forgive themselves for that? I still have issues today. It affects my relationships, work, my way of thinking, everything. I would love to move forward with my life and enjoy it, but that hasn’t been the case in a very long time.

    Any help would be appreciated. Thank You!

    1. I’m so sorry that you have had to endure such difficulties, guilt, and grief. Congratulations on being clean and sober — that is a huge accomplishment. I, too, struggle with forgiveness and self-blame. I have come to the conclusion that the challenge is to channel these feelings in a useful way, not to simply try to eliminate the feelings. How can we take our sorrow, guilt, shame, regret, etc. and use them to make the world just a tiny bit better and, along the way, feel better ourselves? This website is one of my attempts to do that. I have talked with people who have used art and creativity –music, drawing, writing — to express themselves with truth, beauty, and authenticity. I have talked with people who have followed a more religious or spiritual pathway; others who have become involved in service and volunteerism; and still others who have become more empathic and responsive with friends and family. In addition, I am a big believer in psychotherapy, especially for people like us who have suffered for a long time. The way we react to these accidents has much to do with our personal and familial history, our temperaments, our pre-existing “issues.” A good therapist can not only help treat the post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, but can also help one understand the accident in the context of our own lives — and when we recognize the story we tell ourselves about what the accident means about us, we can begin to change it… Good luck and please let me know how you’re doing.

    2. Hi Michael,
      So very sorry for the loss of your friend and the turmoil you have endured for so long. Almost 18 years ago, I had an alcohol related car crash that killed my best friend of 30 years. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it and wish I could take it back. Although I didn’t turn to drinking or drugging because that’s what caused my crash, I suffered great turmoil. Even after I did everything I possibly could to turn my life around, there was still something missing. Something I just couldn’t get past so I could forgive myself. People would tell me I know you say you’re okay now but there is still something I can see in your eyes. Then one day I got a call from my old probation officer asking if I’d be willing to tell my story on the victims impact panel for the county. I was scared to death but I figured I’d give it a try. If it could help someone not to do what I did, that would be worth it. After I did my first presentation and heard all the good feed back, I felt a little better. Then the schools began to call. I’ve been doing my presentation for 5 years now, maybe 2-4 a year and the results are very good every time. The students have helped me more then they’ll ever know with their thank yous, hugs, some tell me I just changed their life forever. A couple of years ago, I realized that I had finally moved forward. I’m not so afraid of what other people think because most are grateful that I’m telling my story. And now, I can finally forgive myself. It will always be there and I’ll always wish it hadn’t happened but I feel much better. PS I read somewhere that treatment with the war vets is probably the place to go because they really understand what other people can’t, unless they’ve been there. After talking to my neighbor who is a war vet, I understand why. It was very emotional as we shared details and things that stick in your mind right down to the clothes the victim was wearing and how that can effect you, like when you see the shorts or tops or pajamas hanging in a store on a clothes rack. I pray for your recovery and wish you all the best. It is no fun to suffer all the time.

    3. I’m kind of going true the same thing I caused a car crash my friend died. I new he’s girlfriend and kids. Put this way I hate waking up in the morning

      1. Yes I feel like I hate waking up too. But somehow you are still here and I believe there is a reason. There is depth to you now like others can’t know. Allow it to change you and how you think and see if somehow you can get through it and offer people things you never valued before as much but now do because of this experience

    4. the only way I know of to proceed in life after killing another is to forgive yourself and those involved. There is no way to relate to any one way of rationaiization because only you know what happened. The most useless feeling is guilt but all who experience this will have to go through it and hopefully come out on the other side. I hope you are able to cast off the weight that will try to destroy you. Try to use your sadness to open a line to others pain because I guarantee no one knows like those who have accidentally killed, especially a loved one. Try to find others who can support you and realize there is no “normal”. way to cope. Each persons experience and background is different. But always remember you are not alone. Eventually you will see that life can still be good and you can help others by sharing your experience to lighten their [and your] load. Allow others into your life and don’t punish yourself. Life is hard enough without extra baggage. Time does heal

    5. I can relate to you on so many different levels. Been there the guilt, shame and remorse could only be deadened by drugs and alcohol.

      Been clean 22 years now and I still deal with it. You choose to live or you choose to die.

    6. Hello. I accidentally shot a killed a close friend of mine 15 years ago. Along with counseling and a 12 step recovery program, I found ayahuasca to be helpful. I only did it once, and it helped me get past the seemingly impossible hurdle of finding some compassion and forgiveness for myself. Now I use meditation daily to deal. I haven’t “gotten over” it, but am able to move on with my life in the best way I know how.

  2. This site is going to be something i will be revisiting. Just reading a little bit of it in a very short time has brought me comfort. I am currently in the middle of my story and so i won’t share it yet but i just wanted to give you my thanks.
    You are appreciated.

  3. I was in grade 12. Ready to graduate. I was walking home from school with my boyfriend Paul..It was snowing heavily the only clear path was the train tracks. It was my idea to walk that way.. he lived in a different town. I said “for sure we will hear a train!” We didn’t, Its very quiet. Next, I heard the horn of the commuter rail I turned around and froze. He swiftly pushed me off the tracks & died saving my life.

    1. My pastor told me that just because a tragedy happens, there is no reason not to experience joy every day. That thought has helped me.

  4. So very sorry for the turmoil you endure for trying to help someone. I believe God knows it wasn’t your intention to hurt anyone. And I can understand the fear. I definitely struggled with all those feelings too, even though a different situation. One day while at an AA meeting, I actually got up the courage to tell my story. Once it was over, an older man pulled me aside and told me his son had died in an accident with his best friend driving. I asked him if he forgave the driver and he said yes because it could have been either one of them driving. I said, “but it’s all my fault that my friend died.” He put his hands on my shoulders and said, “honey, you don’t have the power over life and death, only God does. We may never know why he allowed this to happen. You have to forgive yourself or life will eat you up. Just keep telling your story and you never know how many others you may help. It takes a few years to grow, learn and understand so many things. Those people in the AA meetings helped me through the worse time in my life but I was still scared to go there and keep telling my story. As soon as I was no longer court ordered to go, I quit. I did a bunch of other things like, Church and Sunday school, eventually got my drivers license back and went back to work. All the while recovering in bits and pieces. But it wasn’t till I started doing the presentations for the county and school students that finally felt much better. Especially the students. Because they get to talk to me. Some tell me I just changed there way of thinking for ever. They are awesome. I wish you all the best in your recovery and thanks for sharing your story.

  5. Hi Carrie I had a collision with a cyclist a few months go. I had sun in my eyes so I pulled my visor down. This blocked my vision of the road 500m ahead and I didn’t see him. As I got close to him I stupidly glanced a couple of times at an old message on my phone, then I hit him. He was severely injured and had to be airlifted to hospital. I don’t believe that the phone was necessarily the major cause of the accident, but I admitted to the police that I had looked at it and now I am facing very serious charges.

    The guilt and shame that I felt was all consuming and overwhelming, I was having panic attacks, self harming. Like you, everyone has been saying that they all look at their phones while driving and it could have been anyone of them. But it wasn’t, it was me and every day I wish I could turn back.

    I have been on anti anxiety/anti depressant drugs and had a very good therapist and it has helped a lot. I did get to the point where I felt much better and stronger. My court case is coming up and it is making me feel sick to my stomach again.

    In my more sensible moments I do realise that we are only human, and therefore we make mistakes. And sometimes they have the most terrible consequences. I do believe you can recover though and live a happy life.
    In the beginning I didn’t admit to looking at my phone, I was too scared and so ashamed of doing something so dangerous, and I knew that regardless of the other circumstances, that would be the only thing the police would focus on. I wanted to die in the days following the accident, I wished for a car to smash into me and injure me as much as the cyclist had been injured, I payed for a cancer diagnosis so I would have to suffer.
    I still feel terrible about what happened, I always will, but it doesn’t consume me like it used to.
    None of us are perfect, you were trying to help someone and you made a mistake. You have been honest about it and you feel beyond terrible. Guilt can serve a purpose, but only for so long.
    I wish you every strength during this time you are facing. I will look out for your comments on here again.

  6. Hi Carrie, I definitely struggled with all the same feelings you have. And I know how awful and intense it is. And I too wondered if it would ever get better. I think everyone here knows what you’re feeling.
    I’m guessing your situation hasn’t been too long ago? My accident was over 18 years ago and it gets better with every passing year. I’m from a small rural area where I know a lot of people. At first I was always afraid to see most anyone. I thought they were thinking, oh look, ‘there’s the one that’… Now days, those thoughts and fears are pretty much gone. I don’t think a lot of people even know now, it’s been so long ago. And the ones that do are mostly my friends who love me. Have you looked at or read any of the books on here in the Recommended Reading? Maybe there’s something in there that will help you some too. Best wishes for your recovery. Hang in there. We’re here for you.

  7. I wanted to share my story in hopes that it will help me cope with the grief I have had to endure these past two years. Reading the stories of others on this site has given me a sense of comfort because I have never been able to speak to anyone who has experienced something similar and who truly understands what I go through on a daily basis.

    On September 29, 2012, I was involved in a tragic accident that has forever changed my life. It was a Saturday evening and I had just gotten home from a house warming party. I was getting ready to leave my house again to meet with my boyfriend (at the time). I finally left my house and after only 5-10 mins. of driving along the road at approximately 40mph, I suddenly noticed a man only feet away from my car ahead of me. After realizing what was going to happen, I slammed on my brakes, but it was too late. I struck the man and he flew onto my windshield, completely shattering it. By the time everything came to a reality, I was in complete shock, bleeding from my mouth and glass all over me. I thought I was dreaming. I got out of the car, trembling. The man had rolled off the hood of my car and was now lying in the middle of the street. I looked closely to see if he was breathing and I could see him breathing very rapid, short breaths. At this point, I was completely hysterical and several cars had pulled over and came to my side. People began coming out of the apartment complex directly in front of the accident (an old folks home). Before I knew it, there were police and people all around me. Ambulance came and took the man away and shortly after, I was arrested and taken to jail to be questioned and whatnot. I had nothing to be held against me so the police released me hours later, but prior to letting me out, the officer told me the man I struck had passed away. A part of me died that very moment and I have been lost ever since. After further investigation, I was told the man was 62 years old and was jaywalking across the street from the grocery store to the old folks home, where he lived. The officer told me this was just an accident and that it was his choice to ignore the jaywalking signs. I was also told that he was walking with a cane rather slowly when I struck him (everything was caught on tape through the surveillance cameras at the shopping center). Although I am told this is not my fault, I cannot seem to get past this feeling of guilt and that I could have somehow avoided all of this and that the cause of his death is, essentially, all my fault. To make matters worse, I was told the man was a veteran, suffered from great depression and alcoholism, and the only family he had left lived in a completely different state. Nobody was there to rush by his side or be there with him in his last moments. My heart aches every single day not only because of his death, but because I have no idea what his family felt/feels about this whole tragedy or how much pain I have caused for them. I seeked therapy for months, but this feeling of emptiness just will not go away – and I don’t think it ever will for the rest of my life.

    1. Hi Francine,

      I am really sorry about what happened to you, and I know exactly how are you feeling since I have experienced something similar myself almost two months ago.

      I was coming back to my house from a going away party, it was late. I went to drop some friends at their place, and I was supposed to take a way home, that’s why I gave those friends a lift, but the avenue was closed because some holidays. I got a bit lost around the area, I was not familiar with it, but I came across a sign pointing an avenue I knew it was going to get me straight home, I knew that road, I felt safe, I used to take it every day. It is a 6 lane avenue, it runs fast.

      I remember I was listening to music, a record I really liked and suddenly I saw an impact on the windshield, I never saw anyone. I just remembered the green light was on, I kept remembering that, it happened so fast. I was in shock, I panicked, I did not know what was going on, I even thought something had been thrown at my car.

      At first I could not stop, I still don’t know why, but I finally did it some blocks ahead. The police arrived right away, a huge group, they told I ran someone over and the person was death, I could not believe this was happening.

      I had a trial, my situation got complicated since the police acussed me of trying to leave the scene, I spent a week in jale. The judge ruled it as an accident, they said the man was very drunk, that he crossed in the middle of the road without looking, during the green light, it was caught on tape through the surveillance cameras of the avenue. I still can’t explain me how I couldn’t see him, how I couldn’t do anything to avoid him, and most of all to help him. I swear I didn’t see him, I just never expected for someone to cross at that hour, in the middle of that road.

      I feel terrible, guilty, hopeless, really lost, scared and profoundly sad, I can not believe I have caused so much pain to a family, I wonder all the time about them. I have been meaning to write, a therapist I am seeing told me to wait a little and respect their grief, but I feel I need to say something now.

      I went back to work, and it is been really difficult to keep a good face, any of my co-workers know this has happened, I feel like a serial killer with a double life. I am trying really hard to move forward for my family, buy some days I feel like I am drowning. What happened is in my mind all the time, I am very scared it will be like this forever.

      1. Eli,

        Thank you for sharing your story. I am deeply sorry for the grief you are dealing with at this time. I know how painful it was for me during the first few weeks after the incident occurred. I still struggle everyday with it all, but I will gladly share some things that have helped me cope with the pain over the past two years. I found it difficult to drive a vehicle for months after. I had my friends and family drive me to and from work and/or school and I avoided driving down the road where the incident occurred. I forced myself to begin driving again and also to drive down that road, which I now do on a daily basis. Somehow, it has helped me. I have seen a therapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD and he has also helped me tremendously. If ever I am feeling down, I will go to the site of the incident and leave him flowers and say a prayer. I read books about PTSD and another book, which I highly recommend, called “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People” written by Harold S. Kushner. Every year, on the date of the incident, I dedicate the entire day in his honor. I gather with family and close friends and have a special dinner. I do something spontaneous with my friends, such as Skydiving or Bungee Jumping or going on a challenging hike. It is an amazing experience and it sort of frees my mind on that day. I always go to the site and leave him flowers and have a moment of silence (I usually do this part alone). Then at the end of the day, I write my story on a note and I attach it to a balloon. My family and I say a prayer and we release the balloon into the air and watch it until it disappears into the sky. I leave my phone number/email and hope that whoever finds it will contact me. Last year, someone found my note and sent me a text. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel good.

        On any other day, I try to be productive and keep myself busy. I know right now it seems impossible to find happiness again, but as each day passes, I feel myself getting stronger and stronger. And I pray that you too will find strength and happiness again some day soon.

        I often wish I could meet someone who has gone through this exact experience and just talk, but I have never met anyone who has, so when I found this site, it gave me a sense of comfort. I can finally relate to someone.

        Feel free to comment me at any time. I wish you the best and you will be in my prayers.

        1. Hi glad I found this site I feel so alone I had an accident Dec 2013. After many continoues my case went before the judge Oct 2014. i wasn’t prepared for what happen to me in court. The family of the deceased showed up in great numbers and let me know just how they felt about me . The words they said to me will always bev with me . I was told I was a. killer, I had tough sentence handed down to me. I lost my license for a year and I’m waiting for the impact of the insurance since it comes with 12 insurance points. I cry everyday it was a weather related accident very foggy that morning I ran a stop sign to this day I don’t remember seeing. I too feel everyone is judging me and see me as a killer.

          1. Hi Rone,

            I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such feelings of guilt. Despite what the victims family is saying about you, you must know that you are most definitely not a killer. You did not do this intentionally. It was an honest accident. Know that the family may be angry due to their loss, but in time, I hope they come to the realization that it was just a tragic accident and that you are not to blame. Grief can make us react in many different ways.

            During my accident, the family of the victim refused to be in contact with me, let alone see me. I assume they, too, were angry with me. I will never know, but I pray that they will one day forgive me and know that I would have never intentionally done anything to hurt him or them.

            You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to comment me at any moment and time.



  8. people I thank you all for sharing nd I am now feeling much better about myself after the fatal accident which happened last month.i also think if some of you have whatsapp we should create a group where we would share and comfort each other .. if you are willing you can leave your cell phone numbers with country codes. ..

    really do appreciate your sharing .

  9. I just returned from a 13 hour day at the emergency room. My daughter bella and i were jumping on tge trampoline and
    One of the times like many times over my weight would send her flying up and she would land on her feet! Well today bella broke her arm in two places and i cant tell you how guilty i was feeling. I know it was a accident and when you hurt your child even by accident it left a big pit in my heart. Bella is going to be ok however when i got home from the hospital i googled the question and this amazing web sight came up. As i read testimonial after testimonial i noticed a shift in my thoughts now that i see my feelings are not exclusive. I look forward to plugging in more as the days and healing have begain. I now walk this planet a more gentile, humble soul for seeing and feeling empathy for others and our actions. Thanks for taking a stand on this topic. dan 🙂

  10. Hi Francine, Eli, and Jazzy,
    Thank you so much for sharing. It helps me to finally have friends to talk to that can really understand me and my nightmare. When I had my fatal accident back in 1996, I desperately wanted to find someone like me who could talk to me and tell me if I’d ever be okay again. She was my best friend. We grew up together. It is so hard to to shoulder all the deep dark emotions and for me… the ‘legal aspect of it too’, because we had been drinking. I wouldn’t wish this kind of intense pain shock and turmoil on my worse enemy. Definitely a part of me died with her. Wished it would have been me who died instead of her. Since I couldn’t find anyone who had experienced anything like that, I decided to write a book for anyone who may be looking for answers. I pray it helps others, driver or victims. People tell me they find it interesting because you never hear the drivers side. Anyway, my book is on this site, listed under, recommended reading. Titled: “Shattered: A Tragedy of Drinking and Driving” by Dawn Day. It’s for sale on Amazon as both an ebook and soft cover print. Also, I found this amazing book called “The Road to Forgiveness”, by Bill & Cindy Griffiths. This heart wrenching true story is about how they came to forgive the drunk driver who crashed into their loved ones who were on vacation. They lost their 11 year old daughter and Cindy’s mother. It’s also for sale on Amazon. I pray everyone on here heals quickly and I’m so glad you were strong enough to tell your stories. Best of luck to all of you.

  11. I, also, belong to this exclusive group of individuals who have experienced a life altering event. Two months ago, while traversing a large city downtown freeway in my full size pickup, a young man of 28, made the fateful decision to try to cross the main lanes, despite the fact that there was a pedestrian bridge a mere 300 ft up the road. We met in the most unexpected and horrific way. How we could have come together at that specific point in time is beyond me. I feel like I no longer have a “guardian angel”. I wondered how God could let this thing happen. I wondered how could God take the 28 year old and leave this old 62 year old here to figure it all out.

    1. Hi Allen, So sorry for this tragedy. I definitely feel your pain. And yes it is life altering. Very traumatic and horrific. Wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. It takes a while to work your way through all the sorrow and turmoil. It never goes away, just can get less intense over time. I wondered too why God made this happen to me and my best friend. I had always believed I was saved but after that I wondered if I really was because we had been drinking. The only way I could relax any at all was to read the Bible. Kept hold of it for most of the first couple of years, but I needed answers faster than I could read or understand what I was reading. Thank God I had a friend who knew her Bible well and answered every question I threw at her. She took me to Church and Sunday School every Sunday and I talked to the Pastor and he explained that God doesn’t make bad things happen but sometimes allows it for reasons we may never understand here on earth. God gives us free will to choose what we want to do and sometimes bad things happen but the Bible says He still Loves us and will help us through anything if we ask Him. So I clung to Him and I do believe He helped me every step of the way. He put people in my life that helped comfort me and teach me from all over. Church, Sunday School, Drug and alcohol, AA, family and friends. They helped me through the worst time in my life and I will always be grateful. I learned a lot about myself that I never even thought of before. I was told, you can either drink yourself to death or turn it around and let something good come out of it. Now days, I do presentations for schools. They seem grateful for that and I’m very grateful to them. Those students help me tons. They’re great. I pray you and everyone on here can find relief and healing soon.

      1. One of the lines from the movie “Shawshank Redemption” has always resonated with me. “Get busy living, or get busy dying”. I am also trying to find solace through the bible, but it is tough. Have you ever read the book of Job? Why did God allow Satan power over one of his servants?

        1. Hi Allen, A good question about Job. According to the Scofield Study Bible, the sufferings of Job are shown to be corrective rather than penal. Being used of God to test and refine his character. The outcome demonstrates that by Gods grace people trust and serve Him, because of what He is, not as a mere return of temporal benefits. revealed purposes of God still remain much of a mystery and for this there is no answer, except the attitude of worship in which we humbly acknowledge that a sovereign God by men can’t be required to give up all His reasons for what He chooses to do. Such experiences here as interpreted here by divine inspiration reveal the ultimate triumph of a wise and loving God in His unseen contest with Satin over the souls of men.

          I know these things seem very hard to understand and Job 6:2-3 where he talks about the weight of it all, I can identify with that. Through it all Job held on to his integrity and faith and would not curse God and die, like his wife told him to do. In the end of course it tells how the Lord gave him twice as much as he had before.
          My friend told me that after that, Satin was never allowed to do those things again. Not sure where to find that information.

      2. I said the same thing, …..”I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy”. I think this is worse than cancer, and I even have a best friend who died of cancer in 2002. I wish he was still here to talk to.
        CARRIE, DO NOT EVER Give up your search for peace and/or resolution to what happened. You are too caring of an individual to let what happened define you. We ALL make mistakes. Do NOT deprive the rest of us of your caring nature. You are a valuable person that possesses an ethical line of thinking in your own head.

  12. There is, of course, more to my story. I had been drinking. Mind you, I consider myself a very careful person. I hadn’t had a speeding ticket since 1975, and the only car accident was where a fellow rear-ended me at a red light. Most all accidents can be attributed to carelessness on one side of the equation. I did not feel impaired, but I instinctively knew that no one could defend themselves against a purely random event ……. and lo and behold…..here I am trying to do just that. I don’t think there was anything I could have done at the point of our collision to change the outcome. However, there is still a gash in my soul that still needs healing. I feel for you all. I have gone through remorse, to survivors guilt, to………..(where I am now)….should I just let it scab over and heal by time. That’s what we did as kids when we fell off our bicycles. This seems a lot more important than that. Questions, concerns, input?????

    1. Update to my last post……my BAC for that night was .11, three hundredths over the legal limit. The BAC of the pedestrian I hit was .39. God rest his soul. How did he even manage to walk from the nightclub to the freeway where we met?

      1. Hi Allen, I know these things happen and I do believe you. The laws are crazy now. Are you being charged for it? My bac was .16 and I didn’t feel unable to drive. Came upon an unexpected gravel filled curve and lost control of my car, hit a small embankment and my best friend died instantly. Two weeks later I was charged for vehicular manslaughter. I was already so emotionally stressed out with my sorrow, guilt shame, remorse, I was just frozen in fear of going to prison on top of everything else I was already suffering with. It would be like taking a stressed out bird with broken wings and throwing it through the blades of a fan. My accident was 18 years ago and thank God her family knew what good friends we were and didn’t push my incarceration. The Judge gave me mercy. I think this older gentleman judge, remembers when that type of an accident was called an unfortunate accident. Now days they call it vehicular manslaughter. Any way I was grateful that I only ended up with 5 years probation, community service, a fine, loss of my drivers licence for 2 years, Ordered to keep going to drug and alcohol which I did for almost a year, and the harsh burden of feeling responsible for all the lives I shattered that day.

  13. Thank You for making this site. I got in a wreck yesterday in a company vehicle, my fault. Hit a woman right in the driver’s side of the door. She walked away, but its the next few days when the injuries can show themselves. I consider myself fortunate not to have crippled or killed her.
    It happened sooo fast. All it took was not using my turn signal and looking away for a few seconds.
    I seen a couple of posts of people who where drinking when they had their accidents. I can attest it can happen when you are stone sober. I have 16 years sobriety.
    I don’t know if I’m going to have a job in the future because of this, at least not in my trade which involves a lot of driving. (I’ve had two accidents in the last 4 years in my personal vehicle, this may be the tipping point).
    Finding a new career can be a tough deal when you’re 55 years old.
    I can’t fathom what some of the other posters have gone through, because what I’m feeling now is excruciating guilt.
    While I haven’t killed anybody, I’ve still jeopardized my employer’s livelihood and my wife’s well being by the potential loss of income. All due to those few distracted seconds at the wrong time.
    I found this site this morning, and its helping the horrible feelings.
    I wish everybody the best, may God bless and may you find a path to inner peace.

  14. I don’t know if anyone can help me? I live in the uk and was involved in a nightime hunting accident in 2004 in which a 14 year old boy was killed. I seemed to cope with it for 8 years afterwards but suddenly the thoughts and feelings can back so strongly that life is now an everyday struggle. I think about his mum and family and feel such shame, remorse and guilt. I didn’t pull the trigger but i made decisions that night that contributed significantly towards his death. I look at my own little girl and imagine how he was and how innocent he was and it breaks my heart. I daily feel like ending it all. God please help me i am truly sorry for my sins.

  15. Hi Daniel,

    I understand the grief and pain you are dealing with. Every day I think about the man I killed. However, we must accept the fact that this was just a tragic accident. A matter of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I try to think about all the events that took place that day that led up to the accident. What could I have done differently? Would any small change in my actions that day have made a difference? Perhaps avoided the incident altogether? I will never know, but what I do know is that it happened and there is nothing more for me to do but move forward. Easier said than done, but I hope you gain strength and acceptance. A favorite quote of mine: “When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you”.

    You will be in my prayers.

  16. Hi not sure if anyone can help or what I am looking for but this is my story.
    A few months ago I was driving on the highway and a lady walked in front of my car I cant really tell you what happened where she was or what she was doing there because it is like I have blocked all of it out I cannot remember anything accept seeing her hit my car and fly back and land on the highway. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel. I wish there was something i could have done I am having a hard time with the fact that I hit a person and killed her even though I know it is not my fault I still think about if there was something I could have done or how her family feels just a million questions. Up until here recently I was doing alright but now I am constantly thinking about it. I can barely get into my car at night. I don’t what is causing this but every time I go to leave for work at night I have to have someone out there with me because I have flashes of her standing behind my car and me hitting her when I back up. I don’t know how to explain how this feels. But it is horrible

    1. Dear Meagan, I’m so sorry to hear of this accident and all your turmoil. I know it’s very very hard and stressful to say the least. My accident was in 1996. I was driving my best friend home after a fun filled day of visiting with good friends. We had some beer but I felt fine to drive. Then on an unexpected gravel filled curve, I lost control, hit a small embankment and she died instantly. Two weeks later, I was charged with vehicular manslaughter because we had been drinking. Felt like all the weight of the world was on me and that my world as I knew it had come to an end. I didn’t know who to be or how to be. And I didn’t know if I’d ever recover or be okay again. The constant turmoil I felt was horrible. Thank God I had a merciful judge who sentenced me to probation. I had already started Drug and Alcohol and he said for me to keep going. I was terrified at first. I thought they may all hate me because of what I had done. Before to long I realised that wasn’t the case. Most admitted they too had drank and drove. They thanked me for my story and remained very supportive the 10 months I attended. I also had to attend 3 AA meeting a week and counseling. At the time it seemed like torcher because I was such a wreck with all my sorrow, guilt and shame. But really I know now, it was the best thing for me. All those people helped move me forward and helped me through the worse time of my life. I do remember feeling like I was going backwards and I asked my counselor about it. She said it is common to have those bad feelings come up at different times of your recovery. Usually at 3 months, 6 months and and a year. I don’t remember why 3 months. I think it had something to do with starting to feel a little better then felt guilty about it like I didn’t deserve to feel better after what I’d done. So I continued on and got back with it and at 6 months I was starting to feel upset about everything and she said it was because I was starting to recover and was getting my spunk back. She advised me to think of things that I took joy in and go do them. That was good advise and it helped. At one year is because the 1 year anniversary is coming up and it makes you think about everything all over. The counseling end of it, both from the groups because it is counseling that could probably help anyone rather they drink or not. And the counseling itself was very good. They pointed me in all the right directions with most everything. But there is a process, it makes you look at everything and teaches how to deal with it. They deal with the guilt, the sorrow, the spiritual end of it. They teach how to look outward instead of getting stuck looking inward. That’s why it’s so important to get some kind of counseling. They can help you move forward. It takes some time to work everything out but with time it does get better. It’ll always be there but you learn to deal with it better and it gets less intense. Thank you so much for sharing. You never know how much Your story may help others. Now days, I tell my story to schools and sometimes the County. I hear nothing but positive feed back. That has really helped me. Wishing you all the best for a speedy recovery. PS My Church and Sunday School helped me a lot too.

    2. Hi Meagan

      My story is very similar. A little over three weeks ago I was a mile from my home going to work. It was quite dark, I was following another vehicle at the speed limit or quite possibly 5 miles under the limit. All of the sudden a loud bang and a face in my windshield.
      I immediately stopped and I saw a lady lying behind by SUV. I did not have a clue that anyone was in that crosswalk until I saw her on my windshield. I went right over her. Both her and her sister had been crossing in an uncontrolled crosswalk wearing dark clothing at night. Not sure if they ran or walked in front of my car. I was following another car about 3 or 4 car lengths ahead of me, so my guess is they tried to run between the two cars. One made it the other was not so lucky.
      Anyway I am at peace knowing that I could not have changed the outcome, no cel phone, no texting, no drugs or alcohol, no reaching for the radio or food, I was paying attention to the road. The police were great and told me it was an accident and it could have happened to any of them.

      Still scared of possible unknowns which include possible jail time, lawsuits, loss of drivers license, how is her family coping with the tragedy, my own sanity. Your mind can go wild with thoughts after a tragedy like this no matter how unfounded those fears may be!

      Only thing that is helping me get through this nightmare is realizing it was an accident that I could not prevent. Life is still good for me. As others have said it does no one including the victim or the victim’s family to let this get the best of you. I hope you will learn to move on as I am hoping to! In closing every day is better than the last one for me.

  17. Hello…. I have often wanted to search for others like me online but I had never taken the time to do it. I am so grateful that have. On September 16, 2014 I was picking up my good friends son for preschool. We shared in the duties because we both had boys in preschool, both working moms and we both had babies, (mine was 9 months and hers was 17 months). That day quickly became the worst in my 31years of life. Her son was crying didn’t want to get In my car. During the fiasco her 17 month old came out the front door. She was smiling at me and we were standing at the back of the car which was a Toyota hylander. I finally said I bet he will stop crying as soon as we leave. She said are you sure, and I said yes he will. I got in the car, we waved one last time and I slowly pulled forward. I felt a lump, that I slowly rolled over. It was baby Rowyn. In complete hysteria, I gave CPR while talking to the paramedics on the phone. Her mom and I praying like crazy when the first responders took over. They said it was too late, she was killed instantly. I struggle every single day. My dear friends do not blame me, they love me more. How can that be, I feel so unworthy. I feel so lost, alone and broken hearted. Days get easier and time goes on then all of a sudden I am non-functional, and a mess. Feeling like I took a million steps back. I know my friend can relate to several people in our small community who have lost a child or a loved one. I killed a child unintentionally, I feel so un-relatable. Until I found all of you. Thanks for your stories….. It is really nice to know that I am not alone in all of this. I do have a therapist that I see regularly. I have finally went back to work, took a demotion and am down to part time hours. I get to spend more time with my two beautiful children, but I can’t help but look at them and see her. Her mother and I have started a public charity to assist grieving families with medical and funeral expenses. Together we are doing God’s work through Rowyn. It’s fulfilling at a time when nothing feels good enough. Nothing feels right and nothing ever the same as it used to be.

    1. Cassie, I am so terribly sorry that you have had to endure such tragedy. It seems like you are very strong in your grief and have managed to both accept and give support. The charity to assist grieving families is a very beautiful idea. I’m glad that you are receiving some counseling, as there is strong evidence for its effectiveness following these traumas. The pattern you describe of doing okay, then suddenly feeling like you have slid back, is — unfortunately — part of the process. But, over time, you will have more periods of feeling strong and fewer/shorter periods of feeling badly. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  18. Hello

    I killed someone when a guy who had drunk some alcohol stepped in front of the car I was driving. He died after the accident. I didn’t cry and grieve after the pedestrians death. Is that healthy?

    Thank you.

    Kind regards


    1. Dear Francisco, I do not know if there is a “right” way to react after such accidents. I have found that many people do have strong emotional reactions of grief and guilt, but I have talked with people who coped more easily with involvement in a serious accident, especially if they felt they were not at fault. If the accident was recent, you may find that your feelings about it change. In addition, some people mask their feelings in various ways, which can be unhealthy, such as by drinking, over-eating, immersing themselves in work, or just pushing themselves to deny what they are feeling. So, I would suggest that you “check in” with yourself and honestly assess your feelings and behaviors. You can also ask a friend or relative you trust for some input. I hope this helps.

    2. Francisco,

      People react differently to all situations. I am not one to judge or look down upon anyone, ever. But I must notice that it has been on your mind often if you took the time out of your day to, first, find this website and, second, leave a post with concern. Perhaps you are grieving in a way of your own. I suggest you seek therapy, regardless of how many tears you have shed or have not shed.

      My warmest regards,


  19. Hi Francine, So sorry for the accident and what you have to endure. As for me and the accident I had that claimed the life of my best friend of many years, I found it odd that I didn’t seem to cry much. I’d get tears in my eyes a lot but wasn’t really sobbing the way you’d imagine considering what had happened and how much I loved this lady. Finally, I talked to the psychologist I was advised to see during my time in drug and alcohol, just to make sure I would be okay and wouldn’t fall apart 20 years down the road. I also told her it seemed weird that I slept good most nights. She said that I had been dealing with so many stressful and legal and emotional things, that I hadn’t had time to grieve and that I had so many strenuous things to deal with each day that I was so exhausted at night that I had no choice but to sleep. Then she asked me if I’d ever lost anyone else in my life. And if I cried much then. Yes I had lost friends from my childhood and no I didn’t cry much then. I felt horrible but found it hard to cry much. She told me some people aren’t cryers and that it doesn’t mean you don’t care, you’re just not a crying kind of person. She advised me that if I felt like I needed to laugh or cry to release pent up feelings, I could watch a sad movie or a comedy which ever I needed to do, laugh or cry. And it may help to laugh or cry. Hope this helps some and I’m wishing you the best. With kindest regards. Bonnie

  20. Hi! I am so grateful to have found this site and to read posts offering support and guidance. I am so sorry to read some your experiences and tragedies that you have had to go through.
    I am really struggling to deal with an accident that happened last weekend, and keep seeing it happen, replaying it over and over and over, in my mind’s eye. I accidently injured my little girl last weekend at our son’s ice skating birthday party. She is 3 and a half and is determined that anything her older brother can do (he is 7), she can do too. We have all skated several times before, except for our daughter. I took her onto the ice and she was really getting into it, and getting the hang of it, with me supporting her by her hands. I wanted to get off the ice for a bit as more guests were arriving and she asked if we could skate further, as “I’m doing it, Momma, I’m really doing it”. In my heart, I wanted to get off, and I so wish I had listened to myself!!! However, we skated a little further, with me supporting her by holding both her hands. She suddenly pitched backwards and to counter it, I let go of her right hand to reach for, and move us towards the railing.
    She then countered her fall and pitched forwards with her right hand hitting the ice, right in front of me. I accidentally stepped onto her tiny little hand, with my skate, severely cutting three fingers, fracturing her pinky and damaging three tendons. That moment when I realized what had happened, and she realized what had happened and started wailing is quite honestly the worst moment of my life, to date.
    She had to have emergency surgery that night to reattach the tendons, suture the lacerations (almost to the bone) and set the fracture on her pinky.
    We spent the night in hospital after the surgery and she was discharged the following afternoon, and in three weeks, we will have the cast off to see how the healing has progressed, and if there is any damage to her tendons and her joint capsules.
    My reason and intellect know that this was a terrible accident, one that happened in a split second and that I probably could not have avoided, but I cannot seem to stop thinking about this. My husband has been reassuring and has really been such a rock, but he cannot understand why I can’t seem to move forward and stop being so emotional about it. He is 100% right that we have to focus on getting her better and supporting her through this. I am trying to hold it together but I have been physically sick and the image of when my skate cut her hand keeps replaying in my mind’s eye.
    She is a little soldier and the orthopedic surgeon seems confident that she should make a full recovery. And if not, then he is confident that we can pursue other treatment and therapy. However, I am petrified that I have done serious damage to her hand. I know that this may seem less serious than some of the other experiences on the site, but I keep thinking that I am supposed to protect my children, and here is an instance where I seriously hurt her, albeit accidently. I feel rocked to the core and even typing this, have a constant sick feeling in my stomach, and tears are never far away. Any suggestions on how I can move forward? xxx

    1. Hi, I’m very sorry to hear about the accident you were involved in. I can relate a lot to what you describe with the replay the tears and guilt and coulda woulda shoulda. As for me an my experience I now have a diagnosis of PTSD. Your accident is so fresh possibly this will be acute for you. Unfortunately, as parents we cannot always protect our kids and you are very blessed it was just her fingers and not life threatening. I myself hAve become extremely spiritual and I attend therapy sessions 1-2 times a week. I continue to struggle with off days and moving forward. I’d say hold your heAd high and be the strong one because that is what you children need to see. I lose it at times around my kids but for the most part we have to keep moving forward. Take care of yourself, and take it easy on yourself. Hug

  21. Thank you for creating this site. I am a mom who accidentally injured my child and it’s a daily struggle for me. When my son was 3 months, I was headed to the playground with my older daughter and husband while carrying my son in a front pack baby carrier. Suddenly, I tripped and fell while walking on a cement path. I fell too fast to break my fall in time and my sons head hit the ground. We called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital instantly. He had a severe skull fracture and epidural bleed and required brain surgery. He was in a medically induced coma for almost a week. We are very fortunate that he survived. He is now 14 months old and doing well but goes to physical therapy due to a weakness on one side of his body caused by the accident. He can’t crawl or walk yet. I know these milestones will come in time and I am grateful everyday for the progress he has made. However, as a mother, I cannot help but feel overwhelming grief and sadness over what has happened. I know it was truly an accident but that doesn’t take away the pain. I appreciate reading others stories as it helps me to see I am not alone in this struggle. I wish you all inner peace.

    1. I had a very similar situation happen to me. I am a first time mom and 7 weeks ago when my son was 3 weeks old he jerked his head as I was carrying him and fell out of my arms hitting his head on our hardwood floor. We took him to the ER immediately and although he never lost consciousness or vomited, etc. he also suffered a large skull fracture. He was discharged from the hospital after being observed overnight and the swelling went away a few days later but has recently returned about 2 weeks ago. I’m afraid that this is indicative of a growing skull fracture and that he will need surgery to repair the bone. He is being closely monitored by a neurosurgeon and will go back in 2 weeks for another MRI to make sure the bone is healing. I can’t express the amount of guilt and anxiety that I experience constantly. I know my son needs me to be strong for him, especially at this young age where he relies on me for literally everything but it is a daily struggle to function when I feel like the worst mother on the planet. I replay the moment over and over in my mind and torture myself with what I “should’ve” been doing – holding him with a tighter grip. I know it was clearly an accident but I can’t help but feeling like I just should’ve been more careful. To make matters worse the hospital called Child Protective Services (they claim they have to for any child under a year old with a head injury) who came to our house twice. Thankfully the “investigation” was closed and there were no findings, as it was clearly an accident which the doctors at the second hospital corroborated but it only served to make me feel worse! Every time I look at my beautiful son I see the swelling on the back of his head and feel terrible that I caused him to go through this and conjure up the worst case scenario of him eventually needing surgery and having possible issues in the future. I pray for all of you because I know, as we all have learned, that our lives can change in a matter of seconds – bad things happen to good people and while these things could’ve happened to anyone we were the unlucky ones. I hope that we all find the strength to move forward with our lives and be there for the people who love and need us. I wish that one day we will all have peace. Thank you for sharing your stories.

  22. A few months ago I aquaplaned on a road I drove almost everyday for 12 years. I hit the on coming car and the driver died. He was in his 70’s and I have been told he died of a heart attack but the only reason he would have had that is the massive trauma he would have sustained in the accident.
    When I was lying on the road waiting for the ambulance to arrive I worked out he had died as no one would tell me how he was. I remember retreating into myself and wishing I had not survived either. The next few days in hospital were horrendous as I read about this man I had killed and the wonderful life he had lived. For some reason it helped that he wasn’t a young father but a man entering the last phase of his life and it helped that he had lived such a good life but I can’t get away from the thought that I cut that life short. I can’t get away from thoughts of his huge family that loved him and would miss him everyday. I worked with his nephew and he is a good friend of mine – that was a terrible discovery. I always think about his wife and imagine her lonliness without him with her children all adults.
    I spent 9 weeks in a wheelchair and had so many visitors I could hardly get time to think – I always put on a brave face because I was afraid if I cracked I would never be put back together again. I have three beautiful young children that don’t deserve that either. I was surprised how well I was coping – I started to drive, laugh and even genuinely enjoy myself. I felt so guilty and thought I was cold hearted that I hadn’t fallen to pieces. Then I came to the conclusion that I had to honour his death by living a better life – spending more quality time with my children and realigning my priorities. I was doing well.
    Last week I was charged with negligent driving and another offence related to my back tyres not being good enough. I feel like I’m back at square one. I am profoundly sad and it is a real effort to brave face it. I had hoped that the accident would be ruled an accident so I would know I couldn’t have prevented it and the family would know he didn’t die because someone was stupid on the road. Now I really feel like I killed someone. It is such a horrible thing to even think. The guilt is immense. Given time I hope to get back to the place I was at pre charges but I am thankful for your stories to know I am not alone. I was grateful to read 6 mth mark can be hard (that is what I am close to too) and I am going to place the quote about the three choices all over my house and work space. I am not a religious person but I pray for peace for the family and acceptance for me.
    Thank you for a site to discuss a situation and feelings so few can understand.

    1. Hi Everyone may I ask what sentence did you all get for your accident. I got a 60 day jail sentence which was waived for 18 month supervised probation loss of license for one year and the accident incurs 12 points from DMV . I had a clean record until that day had never had a ticket. The family was furious with me but I cried for there loved one everyday they only saw me as a killer and they wanted justice. I have worried so much till my hair had fallen out. Sometimes I feel so ashamed. My family think I’m doing fine cause I put up
      A front but I’m really broke to pieces.

      1. Hi Rone, My sentence involved alcohol and my best friend died so it was 5 years probation, a fine, 250 hours of community service, loss of my licence for 2 years and of course all the emotions from it will never really go away. Just gets less intense over time. I’m so grateful that her family knew what good friends we were and did forgive me. They didn’t push for me to be incarcerated. Her mom although has forgiven me, hasn’t been able to talk to me. She said right from the beginning that she was glad I was okay and to do what ever I could to get me through this. And when she feels ready she will get a hold of me. There is a wonderful book on here in ‘recommended reading’, called ‘Road to Forgiveness’ by Bill and Cindy Griffith. A couple who lost their youngest daughter and Cindy’s mother when a drunk driver hit them. They forgave the driver and Cindy befriended the driver and even went to see her a few states away. There was quite a story about it on Oprah. You can still find that Oprah partial interview on line. I found great comfort in this book. I strongly recommend it. It helped me a lot and I believe it can help many others for all kinds of situations. Hope you get feeling better.
        With warm regards. Bonnie

    2. Hi Everyone may I ask what sentence did you all get for your accident. I got a 60 day jail sentence which was waived for 18 month supervised probation loss of license for one year and the accident incurs 12 points from DMV . I had a clean record until that day had never had a ticket. The family was furious with me but I cried for there loved one everyday they only saw me as a killer and they wanted justice. I have worried so much till my hair had fallen out. Sometimes I feel so ashamed. My family think I’m doing fine cause I put up
      A front but I’m really broke to pieces.

  23. Hi Orla,
    So very sorry to hear about this accident. It is definitely a hard road to tow. My accident was 18 years ago and there wasn’t anyone I knew that I could talk to about it who would understand because you have to have experienced it to really know how horrible and painful it is. It just crushes you into the ground knowing all the lives that were shattered that day. Feels like something ugly that you just can’t wash off. I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. I wished that I had someone who could tell me if I’d ever be okay. It does take time for it to get less intense. I was amazed my hair didn’t turn all grey and fall out. In time with my support groups and caring people, I slowly got stronger. For me, I think it took about 4 years to feel half way normal. And it never goes away, you just learn how to live with it and things will get less intense. I do believe if I’d had a place like this to go, I may have healed quicker. There is some pretty good books on here in the recommended reading that may help some. Thank you for sharing your story. You never know how many people you may help. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

    1. Thank you for sharing . your words are exactly how I feel, crushed and ugly. My accident was 20 months ago, a boating accident causing the death of a friends teen age son. it was devastating and there was many of us involved from the kids on the boat to the friends and family on the shore as first responders. It was horrific , his injuries caused his death 4 days after the event. I have been doing many things from counseling to listening to religious passages on the radio, reading books. All have helped greatly. I feel I am moving forward, but I struggle with his family, they have not wanted to see me talk to me, this is difficult as we live in a small town and our paths have crossed. The mother has verbally attacked me many times and just recently she had a few people with her and they were very aggressive to me. This accident is very traumatic and horrific, I would never intentionally do anything to hurt him or his family.

      1. Karen, I am so very sorry you’ve had to endure the horrific pain of this kind and even worse to be attacked by the family. I’m keeping you in my prayers. I encourage you to read the book called,”Road To Forgiveness” by William Griffith. It’s listed in ‘recommended reading’ on this site and Amazon and a few other places has it for sale. It helped me a lot because this family lost 2 family members and tells how they forgave the driver. If you ever want to talk you can reach me at bonbish1@yahoo.com I’ll keep you in my prayers and hope you keep healing.
        Sincerely Bonnie

    2. Bonnie – you are such a kind person for commenting on all of these stories and retelling your own. Although you experienced a terrible point in your life 18 years ago look at how many people you are helping now. I think this helps the healing process and helps us to make amends. 7 weeks ago I accidentally dropped my 3 week old son while carrying him which resulted in a skull fracture. We were told he doesn’t have brain damage but there is a chance he will require surgery in the future to repair the bone. The amount of guilt and anguish I experience on a daily basis is incredible and makes it even harder to put on a brave face and soldier through each day when I have to be there for him and provide for him. I can’t fall apart because he relies on me to take care of him, feed him, etc. I know that all of us here would do ANYTHING to go back in time and replay that moment over and over in our minds but I think you’ve unlocked the key to recovery which is helping others and being there for those who need you. Whether it’s the students who you talk to (I read in your other comments) or, for me, my son. Picking yourself up and trying to make a difference now reminds us that it is not too late. We can still bring positivity into this world and change other people’s lives FOR THE BETTER which is something many of us have forgotten is possible. Thank you so much for reminding us that we CAN heal and that it does get better.

      1. Thank you for your kind words Liz,
        It always helps me to hear positive feedback. So sorry to hear about your sons injury. You sound like a very caring and loving mother. I will keep you and him in my prayers. He is so young he won’t remember this. And God knows it was an accident. Thank God there’s no brain damage. Just remember, God is the master of all miracles and with him all things are possible. I pray your son won’t have to have surgery. But if he does, God will be the one preforming it if you ask him. I remember feeling that heavy guilt and anguish everyday from the moment I woke up, till the moment I went to sleep. I remember when the crocodile hunter got stung and died by that stingray. A reporter asked his wife how she was doing and she said one minute at a time. I totally understood that because that’s how heavy it was for me. With time and the help of God and a lot of support, as the days went by, I slowly got better. It never goes away but I have learned to live with it better. And it kills me that so many others have been forced to live with it. You are welcome if I helped in anyway. That helps me to know that. And it does get better. Just takes some time.

        With Warmest Regards

  24. I too had an accident 2.5 years ago. I was driving my truck with my 3 children ( all under the age of 8) to go get crafts at the Dollar Store. On this day, all three of them were quiet, and actually getting along. My cell phone sat in it’s holder not being used. I was stopped at a red light and was going to turn left when it went green. I looked away for a second while still stopped at my red light, looked up and the light was green for me to turn left. I proceeded left and BANG… hit something really hard. As it turned out that something was a 70 year old woman but I never ever saw her. I wasn’t going fast so she did survive. This just happened to be right in front of a medical building so the lady was tended to right away…while I tried to help my children. They were not hurt but they were highly distraught and I stayed with them. I feel guilt for not getting out and helping her first. She was being tended to, and I was protecting my children. . was charged with failing to yield. The cop screwed up the ticket and all the information was wrong… Wrong address, wrong street, wrong turn. I did not fight it over the fact that I did hit a person. But, the stress the cop caused was over the top. The worst part for me ( I think ) was the judgements from by standers ( although some were helpful)… it was an accident.. I still don’t know where she was ( in the walk way or if she stepped off the curb). Regardless I didn’t see her and people’s thoughts can be harmful. Within a week of the accident the family decided to sue us. To me this seemed like a slap in the face. I was beyond words upset. I was thankful the lady didn’t die but also upset that this had to be dragged on. The accident happened Sept 28th 2012 and it just settled this past April 28th , 2015. Was I happy it was over? I should be but I have been experiencing the whole thing all over again and feeling bad about myself, and guilty. I started journaling which has helped and also realized that something good comes out of everything bad. I would like to start a book of everyone’s stories to aid in the healing of all drivers. If you would like to participate, please email me danafawcett@yahoo.ca

  25. I just had my accident on June 30, 2015. I live in Costa Rica. I hit and killed a man who had stopped his motorcycle on a blind curve. Very narrow dirt road.
    I am scared. I have a long history of PTSD because I grew up in a very violent family. Both of my parents were mentally ill, and back in 1950-60’s the government did not intervene the way it does now. My siblings and my mother were beaten by my father but I never was. The reason for that was that my father was sexually attracted to me. What a family! What a childhood!
    So I’ve been in therapy my whole life. My PTSD is really C-PTSD – Complex PTSD. It happens to abused children. My biggest problem has always been guilt. I have an overly acute weird sense of responsibility for all suffering… and it stems from what is literally “survivor guilt”. You know, the one person who survives the plane crash and spends the rest of their life living with shame and guilt. I will get up and walk to my swimming pool to rescue a struggling bug. That really says it best. I cannot tolerate suffering.
    I don’t want to leave my house. Has anyone else had this reaction? I forced myself to go for my beach walk yesterday and had a panic attack and ran home and burst into tears.
    The man I killed was in his early 40’s with two young boys. His name was Danilo. He was very well-liked in the community. He was a tico – native Costa Ricans call themselves ticos (and they don’t capitalize it).
    Due to my past, I have long history of helping people. I only take on difficult situations. I helped save the life of a man on death row… I was an attorney in the USA. I was an advocate for 10 years for a man with multiple disabilities. I made him be my brother. And here, I work to alleviate poverty. I started a Food Bank, a summer camp for kids in a poor neighborhood, and on and on.
    So….. all of this is the making of my fear. I’m already on a psychiatric disability and I already am in therapy and I already take medication. It is only since moving to Costa Rica that I have learned to be happy and enjoy life – mostly through lots of physical exercise and friends (never had many friends before).
    Do we have a right to enjoy life after we kill someone? I think so. I think that at 60 years old if I don’t continue to be happy I will regret it. And yet… with this….
    Well I am still right in the thick of it. I am hoping time will help. I am not a religious person and was raised an atheist, so praying is not an option.
    How long does it take before you – any of you – could go into public again? Could stop feeling the rawness of it? It seems to be getting worse for me… and I think maybe I am still coming out of shock.

    1. Hi Linda, So very sorry this happened in your life. You sound like such a nice lady who has already had your share of heartache. I was 38 when I had an alcohol related accident and my best friend of many years died. I was charged with vehicular manslaughter. So along with my sorrow, grief, intense shame, guilt fear and worry for her family and mine plus all our friends who lost her, it took some time before I felt okay enough to go out and about by myself. It’s like one day I thought I knew who I was and then this unexpected accident happens that I certainly never would have intentionally done and the next day I didn’t know anything. I was knocked right off my perch and buried right along with her. It took maybe a year to be able to go out by myself with out stressing every minute and about 4 years for me to feel half way normal. If it wasn’t for being forced to go out to Drug and Alcohol meetings, community service and probation, I don’t know how long it would have taken. Slowly as I attended these functions and talked to other people the healing began. I lived way out in the country and of course lost my drivers licence for a couple of years, so I couldn’t just go out into the public very easily. My husband was an over the road trucker who was gone a lot. Thank God for a friend who came to stay with me to help with our 2 boys 6 and 19 and drive us where we needed to go. I kept wishing there was someone who could tell me if I’d ever be okay again but I didn’t know anyone who had gone through this. Eventually I wrote a book titled, “Shattered: A Tragedy of Drinking and Driving” by Dawn Day, hoping it could help others not to do what I did, or maybe help others who had and were looking for answers like I was. It is for sale on Amazon and Create a Space. It is listed on here under recommended reading along with quite a few other good reads. There is also a great book on here called,” The Road To Forgiveness” by Bill Griffith. He and his wife Cindy, lost their daughter and and Cindy’s mother to a drunk driver. The book tells how they came to forgive the driver and even befriend her. They are amazing people and I love their book. Hope this helps some. Again, I’m so sorry. I’m wishing you a speedy recovery. Hang in there and if you ever need to talk, bonbish1@yahoo.com

  26. I definitely feel your pain. I hit a pedestrian with a .39 bac. He had to have been almost comatose. Yet, here I am, a year later, still dealing with the legal and human variables. I struggle with survivors guilt every day.

  27. I had an accident last Wednesday on a dark state highway near my home. My daughter and I were driving along, rounded the top of a hill and starting down it all of a sudden a bicyclist flew up over my windshield. I saw him at the very last second. No time to react , nothing. He had no lights, no reflective gear, nothing. But still, I am feeling such despair. I cannot get out of this. I wasn’t drinking I wasn’t on drugs, I wasn’t texting, we were both looking. I can’t even deal with this at all, any ideas on how to keep going for my three children?

    1. Angela – hoping and praying you have found some peace. I wish I knew why these random things happen. But at least through this site you know you have company. That’s one thing I needed – just company who “gets it”. I remembered after hearing about an accident near where I live last night that I posted here a while back and looked once or twice but then forgot. Actually a relative of mine informed me her sister witnessed it and spent time comforting the person driving. Now I want to encourage everyone on here to take heart. It happens – why? Why us? Why anything. But it happens and here we get it so it with so many more. Not a club anyone wanted to join I’m sure, but at least we know it happens to others and in that hopefully we find resolve to keep on. I hope you do. Take care…

  28. I found this site in the middle of the night after doing a search on support for drivers in fatal accidents. I woke and knew I would not go back to sleep. I had my accident three years ago today, late afternoon, on a road I’d driven over a hundred times, headed for a sibling’s birthday party. A woman had just started to cross the road to join her husband is on the other side – there was a makeshift parking lot on the other side as there was an outdoor family event onnthe other side. I had just slowed to an almost halt because I saw something I thought was about to cross oj the right side then realized it was a big dead bird and its wing was flopping in the breeze. I started to accellerate and in just seconds somethings on the left side caught my eye – at the time it seemed it was a person coming across I hovered my foot over the break and in a split second there was a person dashing in front of me. It was an intensely hot and mostly sunny day and sunlight seemed to be bouncing off those cars and even with sunglasses it was the actively on the left I thought was cause for stopping. My phone was off – I had purposely shut it off because it was a new phone and the ring startled me miles earlier. I got no ticket, no points, a slap a year later because I did not file some DMV form in addition to what seemed like the hundreds of other reports with local officers, the insurance company, etc and has a short license suspension my lawyer wanted me to allow him to contest (DMV hearing) but for fear it would tick someone off and it would make that worse I didn’t approve. Thank-you for this site – reading it in the middle of the night made me finally feel like someone understood. Not that people haven’t tried or been kind. I go back and forth – fear i have no right to get on with things, take one step forward two steps back. Driving this time of year makes me literally SICK. Three years later most people do not get that. I will understand why they don’t understand. They see a no fault accident because I got no ticket. I am still afraid to say what I feel for fear it sounds I don’t care that I snuffed out a life. I do care. I lost my mom to cancer a few months earlierand my boyfriend of 16 years 5 days after my accident to cancer. I know the impact of those losses to me – I can understand the family’s pain. I don’t know what will happen to me I’ve sort of floated in a cloud of pretend competence for three years. I had therapy till it ran out. I’m not looking for answers here per we but I sure am glad to be acquainted with you all.

  29. My heart is broken for you as I struggle with my own thoughts and feelings right now. We are approaching the one year since i tragically ran over my friends 17 month old her her driveway. The season, the feelings and the overwhelming guilt flood me daily right now. Keep your head up I also feel in the fog. Xo Cassie

  30. I have been in a similar situation but unfortunately I didn’t realise my mistake till along time after. I feel like a horrible unworthy person but all I can keep doing is to keep try and better my self I will never forget and will never get the answers I want but if I can keep plodding on and doing the best I can.

  31. Cassie – I did not realize anyone posted here after I did. I want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Your accident was something that happened to the husband of one of my mom’s very dear friends years ago – actually decades ago. My mom was a “story teller” – actually her whole family was and I heard about various things sad, wonderful an everything in between. I look back and realize they were wonderful life lessons about how messy but wonderful life is. It’s never easy but the more “real” stories we hear I know understand the more we all have in common. This dear old friend of my mom’s really suffered but everyone knew it was truly an accident and he moved on. He lived his life and was supported by those who loved him and I realize now it didn’t define him – it was part of his life and “part of life” in general. For some reason one day when I was trying to get out of the house for a while (I was packing up my own house to move but in the middle of all that my mom, who had navigated late stage lung cancer for several years so well, suddenly got worse and was attempting chemo). I was her main caretaker and just needs a break but mom kept talking about tragedies that had happened to people she knew in a very calm manner, almost in a way that seemed she wanted to tell me that things just happen sometimes and people move through it and go on. She ended with recounting a fictitious story she had seen on the old show Touched by an Angel. I was so intent on getting away for a few hours I struggled to patiently listen. A few months later she passed and then in a few more I had my accident. It hit me sometime after when I was wishing I still had my mom for comfort, I realized she had already done that with her stories of people she knew. I don’t know what compelled me to write all that. I hope you see it. I feel terrible I didn’t see your post and offer you support sooner. Please take care Cassie.

    1. A bible school teacher recently gave me ‘new meaning’ concerning Psalms 23. “The Lord is my Shepherd”. He pointed out that the staff that the shepherds of old had a straight end and a crooked (curved) end. If the sheep had a tendency of straying from the flock, then the shepherd would break the sheep’s legs with the straight end. If the sheep continued to stray, then the shepherd would use the crooked end to ‘collar’ the sheep back into the fold. I have began to think that my accident was a message from “God” my higher power, however you want to imagine it, that was meant to ‘break my legs’. I have overlooked so many earlier messages. I have always kind of lived life on the fence …. basically a good hearted person, but with a few indulgences. I do not know what kind of person Cassie has been, but instinctually I feel like she is a good person. Random things happen to good people! You can NOT let your accident define you! You must find a way to make this world a better place to live in for every person in your life and every person that you meet from now until the day you die!

  32. This didn’t happened to me, but my niece crashed into a bicyclist yesterday afternoon. It wasn’t her fault, the guy just went in front of her and she hit the breaks but it was to late. The guy was ejected from the bike, striking the windshield and roof of the car and he wasn’t wearing a helmet. He died at the hospital and now she feels awful and guilty. I wan’t to comfort her but I don’t know how, what can I do to help her? She’s only 20 years old and her mom is not even in town.
    Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do for her?
    Thank you

    1. Hi. I am deeply sorry to hear about your niece. That is honestly so very tragic. I actually went through the same thing when I was 21 years old, on September 29, 2012. My family and close friends tried their hardest to comfort me with words and gifts, like flowers and cards, but in reality, nothing they said or did really helped me cope with the emotion and trauma that I was dealing with. In my personal opinion and from my personal experience, I truly don’t think there’s anything anyone could do or say to make her feel any better at this moment, but what you can do is pray for her and hope that she gains the strength to understand that this was just an accident and it was not her fault, and to not allow it to control her life or to let it define who she is. Something like this is extremely difficult to deal with and, for me, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with in my entire life, and I’m sure it will be for her as well. What I did was I immediately sought counseling, which was very scary, but helpful in the end. There were also alot of helpful books, and of course, God. It was also very helpful to speak with other people who have gone through the same thing, which is why this website has brought a lot of comfort to me. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of the accident or the man that I killed, but I have learned to move on and to be happy again. I hope and pray that she gets through this and that she has a great support system behind her. Please let me know if there is anything, anything at all that I can do to help.

      God bless,


  33. So sorry to hear about your nieces accident. The love of family and friends is always a good thing. Maybe if she sees this site she may find some comfort just to know she’s not alone. After my fatal accident that claimed the life of my best friend one of the things I needed most was to find someone like me who could tell me if I’d ever be okay again. Back then there wasn’t anyone I knew who had ever been through it. I was so happy to find this site. Also, she may want to talk to a friend who can pray with her. Thank God I had a friend who knew her Bible well and could answer any questions I could throw at her and back it up with scripture. She prayed with me and took me to church. I needed to be as close to God as I possibly could. I’m keeping her in my prayers.

  34. Hey Everyone just wanted you to know I got my license back a couple of days ago I had lost them for a year because of misdemeanor death by motor vehicle. The victims family was very vocol that I lost them. It seems strange to be able to drive again. I will always remember the things the family said the day if court. But I’m asking that you all be in prayer for me as I try and get my life back in order and be able to take care of my family. This site has been very soothing and inspirational to me love you all Rone

    1. Congratulations Rone, Thanks for sharing. It’s good to hear the positive things. These things may help others. Maybe if we all share some positives, and ways we are moving forward, it’ll help all of us.

  35. Hello, I have written before on this site several months ago. I was involved in a tragic accident September 16, 2014. I was picking up my friends son for preschool, when I accidently ran over her 17 month old daughter in her driveway, taking her life. It has been the hardest year of my entire life. In the midst of it all, somehow God led us in the direction to write a book. My friend and I have joined forces and started a charity in honor of her daughter called Raise for Rowyn, but the book we just published is called, Life of an Angel. I think anyone who has gone through what any of us have on this site, could benefit from reading a book written chapter for chapter by the childs mother, and me, the one her took her childs life. It’s gotten amazing reviews, I and felt I should share this with all of you.
    You can find the book on amazon, ibooks, Barnes and Noble, and Kobo. It is in ebook form at this time, but should be available for paperback purchase by Monday. Thank you for listening.


  36. Hi. I was recently asked to help a young family member of a friend of mine with a legal matter. This case involves three 18 year old boys, best friends. August 2015 a tragic accident took place, an accident that will forever change the lives of all three families, and everyone who knew and loved these boys. One of these boys had a loaded weapon that discharged after dropping it and shot his best friend. The kid stayed with his friend trying to stop the bleeding, crying, repeating I am so sorry it was an accident. I cannot imagine what a traumatic experience this young man endured with this alone, but what happens from there only gets worse. This kid is put in handcuffs covered in his friends blood. He is interrogated by several officers, taken to a police station stripped naked of his clothing, given a paper suit to wear and there his is interrogated for hours. His mouth is swabbed his hands are swabbed, he is devastated, emotionally distraught and in tears. Nobody offers this kid help, nobody asks this kid if he is ok, and nobody cares. He is being charged, and forced into to taking a plea bargain that will incarcerate him as a dangerous criminal for the next 10 to 21 years, because he is not financially able to defend himself and he does not feel he deserves anything better. This kid is falling apart inside, I can see it in his eyes. He was publicly smeared by people who know nothing of the events that occurred, but just judged him anyway. The judge, prosecutor, and everyone involved say they all realize this is just a tragic accident, they acknowledge the emotions displayed by this young man make it hard to contain emotion themselves. I myself, break down and cried with this kid. Yet, still no one has offered this boy any type of help. He is definitly experiencing what I have read in all these posts….guilt, shame, isolation, fear of going out, blame, punishing himself, and a sadness. loss. and grief unimaginable to those who have not experienced such a tragedy. He feels he deserves to be in prison, or worse. His trial will be here in less than a month, and I need to know how or where I can get some help for this kid. He is in Phoenix, AZ so if anyone has any resources that my be of help to this young man Please let me know. This is a good kid, and I know he can make his life better by giving meaning to his friends life to prevent this from happening to other kids. I know if he could share his story with other kids that he may save others from the same fate. How can I get him involved to share his story. Where who how does one go about doing that? Anyone any suggestions would be helpful. I look into this kids eyes and it just breaks my heart. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I cannot wait to show this to him tomorrow. I know he will find comfort here. Thank you again for any information or resources you can provide.

    1. Hi Colleen, So very sorry to hear this. And can imagine his sever turmoil. Accidents do happen and it’s so awful to face prison on top of the great loss of your dear friend. Hopefully these people can help. It’s worth a try.
      Community Legal Services is an organization that was created by attorneys and several law firms throughout Arizona. The focus is on the city of Phoenix. They can direct people in need to legal programs and other resources that can provide them with help. Contact the organization at 1(800) 852-9075.
      I’ll keep him and all the family’s in my prayers.

  37. Sixteen years ago, while I was in seventh grade, I was severely bullied and harassed. My only consolation was my best friend, Josh. He had a condition that confined him to a wheelchair for his entire life, and he had already beaten the doctors’ prognosis that he would only last for eight years, by a whole six.

    Due to the harassment at school, as well as harassment by the school board and Child Protective Services, I was under a lot of psychological pressure, and had to change schools for my eighth grade year. While we didn’t visit or talk as often, we still did. After I changed schools, Josh’s physical and emotional conditions got steadily worse, until one day, at lunch, he just died. He was revived three times, on the way to the hospital, and kept on life support for 60 days. During that time, whenever I would call, I was told he was sick, and I should call again next week.

    After Bible study, one night, I thought it would be nice to drop him off something from the class, so I asked for us to swing by his place. His father told me he was dead, but I couldn’t believe it. I walked into his house, and shouted that it wasn’t funny for him to act like he was dead. When I saw his empty, black leather wheelchair, with his name monogrammed in gold on the backrest, I knew it was real. The guy I called my “twin” was dead.

    This 11th marked the 16th anniversary of his death, and though I couldn’t make it yet, I do have an opportunity this year. I guess that’s why I’m taking it harder than usual. This is where a question comes to mind, and I thought some of you could tell me, for sure, whether it’s true or not. Did my leaving cause my friend to die? Am I to blame for his death? Intellectually, it’s untrue; in my heart, I can’t tell for sure…

  38. My estranged husband recently had a DUI car accident in which a 5 year old boy was killed. He has not gone through the court system yet as he was very injured and just released from the hospital and taken directly from jail. I want to help him get counsel and other help but it is very hard dealing with what is happening to him and what he has done. Are there any books that you know of that I could send him in jail to help him, and our family, try to cope with the outcome of his actions? Thanks for any assistance.

    1. Dear Bobbie, I am so very sorry to hear about the accident. There is so much turmoil and so many things to deal with. It takes time. For me after my accident that claimed the life of my best friend, reading the Bible, going to church and counseling helped the most. I was facing up to 5 years in prison so along with all the intense emotions of shame, guilt, sorrow, and remorse, I was terrified of going to prison on top of everything else. My 2 boys were 6 and 19. My husband was an over the rd. truck driver and couldn’t be with me a lot of the time. I didn’t know if I’d ever be okay again. I didn’t know anyone else who had been through this to ask. So I wrote a book about my experience called, “Shattered: A Tragedy of Drinking and Driving by Dawn Day,” It is for sale on several websites. It takes you through my personal experience from beginning to end. There is also an excellent book for sale on websites called, ‘The Road To Forgiveness,” by Bill and Cindy Griffiths. They lost a mother and daughter do to a drunk driver and forgave the driver. They are an amazing couple who have even been on Opera to tell their story. I love that book. Keeping you in my prayers.

  39. My son was recently in an alcohol related car accident, still unsure of the driver (either him or the other person), the other person did not make it. There is not much hope that he was not driving but I still pray, he is only 20 and his girlfriend is 7 months pregnant, I don’t know how to go on. I feel as if I failed somewhere.

    1. Dear Joyce, So very sorry for your loss and your son and his family. Please don’t blame yourself. Lots of bad things happen to family’s even with the best of parenting skills. Some times it isn’t anybody’s fault. Bad things that we will never understand happen even to the best of people. Different factors will play a part of what will happen. Like if the other family wants to push incarceration, who the DA is, the judge, if you have any previous record. In my case, I had no record, the other family didn’t want to push for incarceration, the Judge was fair and decent. In the end, I got 5 years probation, a fine, community service and had to go to drug and alcohol. It was a terrifying experience. I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. It is quite a long process. It all takes time. Some times even if the other family wants to push it, if you get the right judge, he won’t over do it. I’m keeping you and your family in my prayers.

  40. I tried EMDR therapy the other day. I don’t know if it is for me because I felt so awful for 24 hours.

    I caused an accident last December. Luckily, nobody was hurt or killed but the guilt eats at me.

  41. I’ve been coming to this site for awhile now. This summer will mark two years since my accident. My friend and I went out to dinner on a Tuesday night. We each had two drinks. We left and I was driving. That is all I remember. I woke up in the hospital and was told I was in a very bad car accident. I was injured- broken ankle and broken ribs along with lacerations all over my body. The police were at the hospital waiting for me to be discharged. Nobody would tell me anything about my friend except that she was airlifted to another hospital. I later found out that she had broken her back and would never walk again. The legal process was grueling and downright scary. I was charged with a felony DUI. My friend did not want me to serve jail time so the judge ordered my license taken away for 1 year, drug and alcohol counseling and hefty fines. I almost felt like I had “gotten away” with something. Now I realize that couldn’t be further from the truth. My whole life has been damaged by the guilt I feel because of the accident. I feel I don’t deserve anything good to happen to me because of what I did. I hide all the good things in my life from my friend because I don’t want her to think I have moved on or that I will ever have anything good again. I have tried so hard to forgive myself but I just can’t. I just have to think about the accident and I start crying. The guilt will never go away. I feel like such a failure at life. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt anyone. I never even considered it when I had the two drinks at the restaurant. I can’t imagine anyone doing anything worse than hurting someone the way I did. I don’t know how to move on. I spend so much time going over and over the accident and the aftermath in my mind. Nothing takes the guilt away. I’m ashamed by what I have done. My friends and family try to make me feel better by saying that we both made the decision to drink at the restaurant and we both got into the car knowing we had drank. For some reason I can’t put any of the blame on her. I own it all. Can anyone help me?

    1. Hi Joyce,
      So sorry for this most painful time in your life. I know it’s so hard to rise above and move on. I remember when all those feelings consumed me too and I wouldn’t wish them on my worse enemy. MGray wrote something under blogs on here I’d recommend you read if you haven’t already. It’s called,’No such thing as an accident’. I’ve wrestled with most everything it says. And to me, she sums it up real well, makes good since to me. Also I found great comfort in this book titled: ‘The Road to Forgiveness’ by Bill and Cindy Griffith. It’s a true story about how they forgave the drunk driver who hit and killed Cindy’s mother and their youngest daughter while on vacation far away. They have even shared their story on Oprah. You can find the book on line just type the name of the book in and it’ll come up on several different sites. It’s been 20 years since the accident I had which claimed the life of my best friend of 30 years. Today, I still think about my dear friend everyday. I’d do anything to take it back but I can’t. What I can and do do is give presentations every year for students, with the hope it’ll keep them from making the same mistake I did. That is what has helped me the most. God bless you and thank-you for sharing your story. You never know how many it will help. I’ll keep you in my prayers, hope you will find a way to move forward in your recovery. I know it’s hard and takes time.Just keep trudging along One day at a time, easy does it.
      Sincerely Bonnie

  42. My daughter was a driver in a 2 car head on collision 3 months ago. She is still in hospital as she sustained horrific injuries. She has no memory of the crash and it looks like she skidded on an oil spill and her car crossed to the wrong side of the road. The passenger in the other car died but my daughter does not know this yet. As everyone but her knows about the fatality I will have to break this news to her soon before someone lets it slip. Any advice on how to tell her as she has no idea anyone has died.

    1. Hi Bernie, I’m so very sorry to hear of your daughter’s accident and how badly she got hurt. And now such a hard thing to have to tell her. If you have faith in God , I’d say to get prayed up because according to the Bible, He is the master of everything and will help you if you ask. Philippians: 13 says, For I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me strength and power. Maybe you can find some good scriptures to share with her.
      For me, I knew my dear friend passed and the one thing that brought me any kind of comfort was the Bible. I needed answers from God , all kinds of answers. Thank God I had a good friend who knew her Bible well and could point me in the right direction in the scriptures for most anything I needed to know. I kept my Bible near by for months. Anytime I felt uncomfortable I picked it up and began to read. I have a few different ones now that loved ones gave me. I refer to my living Bible a lot because it’s easier to understand. Sometimes I pray and ask God questions, then open the Bible to a random page and usually I see the answer. It’s amazing how that works. Other times, I look in the beginning of the book where there is a place called: ‘where can you find it’. It lists pertinent stories of the Bible and under those is a place titled ‘where you can find help when you are’
      It lists and gives you scripture to go to on all kinds of feelings and emotions, like from fearful to lacking direction, worried, making decisions and many more.
      If that’s not the way you’d want to go then I’d say just be as gentle as you can and maybe have a counselor name ready and ask her if she’d want to talk to them about it. Either way she’s probably going to need some degree of counselling to point her in the right direction so she will be able to move forward. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
      With warmest regards

    2. Hi Bernie,

      How old is your daughter? I am soooo sorry for what she (and you, as her father) are going through. Please let her heal from her physical ailments and protect her from that information for as long as you can. As someone that went through her situation, the grief, survivor’s guilt, etc made me further physically I’ll and even temporarily suicidal. Please, please protect her as long as you can and start OUT with a good psychologist who specializes in trauma. I went through many psychologists and psychiatrists near and far before finding one 2 years on that actually helped. If I had found him from get go it would have saved me a lot of grief.

      It’s hard to advise HOW to tell her but I know for me, personally, every time someone dismissed his death with “accidents happen” or “it was just an accident”, it made me angry. Four years in I can say that myself and realize it doesn’t disrespect or dismiss it But is in fact what it was. But every person is different.

      If you can find a good counselor that specializes in PTSD that can be there for her from the beginning, it will help enormously! If you or she need anything I would be glad to help. But I would get a professional involved RIGHT away. Please. You will be saving her a great deal of strife down the road. You are a good father!! Hope she recovers quickly!

  43. This is my story. I was headed to New Holland to take my two children to their babysitter so I could go to work. I drive past the Dakota Christian school handfuls of times a week. That day a truck pulled out in front of me. Inside was the 14 year old driver, his 11 year old sister, and 10 year old Andrew. No one in the truck was wearing seatbelts and I T-Boned them at 65mph. I had my seatbelt on and my children were in car seats. We walked away with minor injuries. All three children in the other vehicle were ejected from impact. The driver and his sister also had minor injuries. Andrew died. There was nothing I could do. I was not at fault an my tox screens were clear. I was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. Everyday I deal with the guilt and grief of being involved in the accident. I have nightmares and rarely sleep. My mind is my worst enemy. I went to Andrews prayer service and funeral. So many people loved that little boy. I took away his life.
    This happened on Aug 24. Media has posted about this even several states away. I even fear what others think of me now and have a hard time with social anxiety. http://www.argusleader.com/story/news/2016/08/24/10-year-old-dies-crash-near-platte/89315984/

  44. Chandra,
    My heart is breaking for you tonight as I realize how fresh and raw your accident is.
    Two years ago as of September 16, I ran over my good friends 17 month old daughter in her driveway as I was leaving to take my son and her brother to preschool. She died immediately. It has been such a struggle, in a small town, with family and friends of hers everywhere and grieving. It has made my grief almost unbearable at times.
    What I can tell you is that there is hope, and you may not see it or understand it now, but it will gradually get easier to cope with because you get used to it, not that it will ever get easier as many people like to say.
    My friend (forgiving since day 1) and I founded a charity in her daughters honor. It has brought healing to both of us and our families. We began blogging in the early months, and I think you will be able to relate to much of what was written in these blogs. You can find them at http://www.raiseforrowyn.org
    Hang in there. If you haven’t already, seek Jesus and the Kingdom of God. He is our savior and comes through daily. Life will never be the same, but there is hope and God is Graceful. Be kind to yourself, we are good people who never ever would do this intentionally.

  45. I am looking for someone who has walked through the experience of being in a car accident that took the life of another. My 29 year old daughter and a 17 yr old young girl both hit, ran over and pinned a man under their cars. The man was stalled on a freshly oiled road, dark at night. The 4 lane road runs east and west. Instead of logical pushing his car ( which was traveling west in the lane closet to the north side of the road, right beside him, he turned the car AGAINST all 4 lanes, and began pushing across all traffic east and west, to the complete other side of the road). First my daughter hit the 41 yr old man, then the young gal behind her also hit him where he got pinned under her car. After one month he has died. My daughter and the 17 yr old behind her were: not on their phones, were not under the influence of any alcohol nor any drugs, were not speeding, were not distracted. Both girls immediately offered phones up to the police. Both girls gave their vehicles up for police to test. Both girls offered up their blood drawn and hair test. All without asking for attorney present. Both girls were completely cleared by investigators of any fault. The police report citing the man as completely his wrong choice. With that said, my daughter is having nightmares ( the little she can sleep), flash backs, guilt, PTSD, depression, anxiety attacks, etc. she immediately began counseling however of course she is struggling with feelings of how to forgive herself, how to ever smile again, how can she ever enjoy life when another family has lost their father, brother, son, etc. Is there an actual group or Facebook group or any real survivors of causing accidental deaths that she can actually TALK to? I am searching for people who will literal talk, share together- not just post and hope for a reply of ” I understand”. Please let me know if such a group exist. If not, perhaps I will find a way to start one. The grief she and others are suffering is so very real and support is desperately needed for these people. Thank you for reading and any help would be very appreciated. God Bless.

    1. Hi Linda, I’m so very sorry to hear about your daughter and 17 year old girls accident. I don’t know of any other site that deals with these things. When I had my accident which claimed the life of my best friend 20 years ago, the nearest thing to a local support group here was the drug and alcohol classes I had to go to because I had been drinking. They really did help in a lot of ways but non of them had ever been in an accident like mine so they didn’t know how to help with that aspect of it. I couldn’t find one person around here who had been in my shoes much less a support group of this nature. I read once that the best group one could go to would be a war vets group, because many of them know the nightmare of ending a life. Many of them struggle with it really bad. By talking to my neighbor who was a war vet I understood. We could talk for hours and he did know.
      I am grateful for this group and that they share their stories. I would certainly talk to your daughter if she wants to. My email is bonbish1@yahoo.com. God bless you two and the others. I pray you all are able to get the help you need and start healing soon. I know how hard it is and I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. Also Maryann Gray is a great person to share with. Just send her a note with the contact button on here.

    2. I was involved in an almost similar accident. I was headed to work at 2:40 in the morning when I hit a woman in the middle of the feeder. I was not on my phone I don’t drink just simply going to work to provide for my family. The lady died on impact and it was also ruled an accident. If either of them would like to talk please feel free to email me at buckhunter0311@gmail.com I told my wife that yes I still struggle but I would like to be able to help others out as well. My accident was back in August of this year. So I’m well aware of what she is going through

  46. I am looking for someone who has walked through the experience of being in a car accident that took the life of another. My 29 year old daughter and a 17 yr old young girl both hit, ran over and pinned a man under their cars. The man was stalled on a freshly oiled road, dark at night. The 4 lane road runs east and west. Instead of logical pushing his car ( which was traveling west in the lane closet to the north side of the road, right beside him, he turned the car AGAINST all 4 lanes, and began pushing across all traffic east and west, to the complete other side of the road). First my daughter hit the 41 yr old man, then the young gal behind her also hit him where he got pinned under her car. After one month he has died. My daughter and the 17 yr old behind her were: not on their phones, were not under the influence of any alcohol nor any drugs, were not speeding, were not distracted. Both girls immediately offered phones up to the police. Both girls gave their vehicles up for police to test. Both girls offered up their blood drawn and hair test. All without asking for attorney present. Both girls were completely cleared by investigators of any fault. The police report citing the man as completely his wrong choice. With that said, my daughter is having nightmares ( the little she can sleep), flash backs, guilt, PTSD, depression, anxiety attacks, etc. she immediately began counseling however of course she is struggling with feelings of how to forgive herself, how to ever smile again, how can she ever enjoy life when another family has lost their father, brother, son, etc. Is there an actual group or Facebook group or any real survivors of causing accidental deaths that she can actually TALK to? I am searching for people who will literal talk, share together- not just post and hope for a reply of ” I understand”. Please let me know if such a group exist. If not, perhaps I will find a way to start one. The grief she and others are suffering is so very real and support is desperately needed for these people. Thank you for reading and any help would be very appreciated. God Bless.

    1. 4 months ago in 2016 a car hit my husband while he was crossing a zebra crosswalk. He died as a result of the injuries 2 weeks later. Both were at fault. The driver and pedestrian. How do one move on? Asking for help with counseling and not isolating. Taking time to grief , surrounding myself with nurturing people and environment.No point killing myself, it be just one more tragic lost. Seeking spiritual counseling from pastors . Being the family left with the lost and just knowing that other family have gone through this helps me alot. Gently, 24 hours at a time, through faith and community, and facing reality, acceptance …..inner strength slowly, replace the sheer grief, to integrate the family’s life changing lost, to slowly moving towards life, joy, and living again. Life is short and death is sure. I aim to make the most of my remaining life that will be the best way to honor the dead. Best wishes to All.

  47. December of 2015 I was involved in a accident where a lady was walking down the side of the road. I did not see her and struck her with my vehicle. I called 911 instantly and the cops arrived but she was just laying there motionless. The nxt day I found out it was a girl I graduated high school with and was friend with during and after. Even tho this dosent matter bc my heart was crushed this just made it extremely more difficult. I have not slept in almost a year my minds just keeps going over and over the situation every day. I’m pretty much heartbroken. I feel so sad for her family but I feel there will never be any way to make this right .
    Tomorrow is my court date finally and im hopping it will bring closure with this accident. I understand I was at fault and I understand it was a accident(wrong place at the wrong time). I just hope one day I can move forward and not have this lingering over me.

  48. I would be honored to talk to your daughter. I’m 33, and my accident was September 16,2014. I ran over my very good friends 17month old daughter and killed her. Much of what i struggle with sounds very similar. I’d be happy to speak personally with her as I would have given anything for that person to be there for me just after my accident.

  49. I, too, am in the healthcare industry. I have had close calls that could have ended my patients’ lives. In my profession, we are required to work in teams, so I have always admitted fault immediately, BUT if I worked alone, my first instinct would mirror yours. That blood pumping feeling that occurs when you first realize you’ve made a mistake is surreal. I think self-preservation is human nature.

    I remember reading about a pharmacist who hastily signed off on a chemo prescription for a little girl. He trusted an intern and didn’t double-check her work. The chemo mixture was wrong, the little girl’s brain swelled, and she passed away. I also read about a nurse who ran to get an oxygen tank for a boy getting an MRI after brain surgery. The metal tank was sucked into the scanner and it crushed the boy’a skull. NEITHER ONE OF THESE PROVIDERS WERE MALICIOUS and neither were YOU. I love all of my patients, but I am literally one button away from severely injuring or killing them on a daily basis. I have considered changing jobs because I know that one mistake could change EVERYTHING! I realize that I could be in your shoes tomorrow. EVERYONE in the healthcare field has experienced that sinking feeling, whether they will admit it or not. I’m praying that you forgive yourself. You are not a monster. Shame on ANYONE who judges you!

  50. I killed my baby and I ruined my life. I forgot him in my car. He came to work with me every day. I was running late. I had to open. I had so many things to bring in and so many trips to make from the car to the shop. He was going to be the last trip. But I got stuck with something. Dealing with a customer and the morning chaos. And I never went back out to get him. I just carried on my day. I can see him, sitting there, waiting for me to come back for him. Like every other day. And I never came. He was my soul mate. The best thing that ever happened to me. He was always so happy. And he loved me. And he trusted me. And I let him down in the worst way possible. The weather had been crappy for days. But on this one day…. I don’t know why it had to be on the one hot day. At 4:00 I brought some things out to my car. As I unlocked my door this feeling came over me. I realized I didn’t remember bringing him in. I opened the door and put my stuff on my seat. I couldn’t see him in the back. There was no movement. But the air wasn’t the air of an empty vehicle. I went to the back and opened it. I saw him, most certainly unconscious. I screamed and I pulled his body out and realized it was slightly stiff. I carried him running back to the shop. I was losing my grip on him. He was so heavy. My guy friend grabbed him from me and I yelled to get him into the tub. I ran cold water all over and couldn’t accept that not only had I made this mistake but it had resulted in his death. I put him on the floor and tried to do CPR. But I was trying to resuscitate a dead body. I couldn’t stop screaming at the top of my lungs. They shut the shop down and locked it up. And I held his body and cried for hours. His tongue looked like he had chewed it. I think he had vomited. I think about all the people who had been in the lot, feet away from him, did they know he was there? That he was in distress? They took his body away when I finally let them. And they took me to emergency. He was just shy of 2. We were supposed to have the next 15 years together. I can’t live without him. My life has become a living fucking nightmare. I don’t want to live without him and I can never forgive myself for my negligence. How could I just forget about the single most important thing in my life? Every day is hell. I hurt more than words can describe. It has been two months. I have since lost my home and my friends. I feel judgment from everyone who knows, which pales in comparison to my own self hatred. I begged for help but I didn’t get any and I cry everyday alone just wanting it to end. I don’t know how or why to go on. Don’t know how to honour him. The most beautiful little soul. I’m so sorry…

    1. Dear Sylvia,
      I don’t often reply to people on line, but your message moved me. First of all, I am sorry for this tragic loss. I have talked with several parents who made this mistake. All have endured almost unimaginable grief, trauma, and guilt. It is extremely important that you seek psychotherapy. This can help you cope and find a way to go on. In the meantime, if you are suicidal, I must urge you in the strongest terms to go to the nearest emergency room, contact your doctor or therapist, and/or call the suicide hotline at 1 800 273-8255. The parents I have talked with who had similar experiences eventually found solace in various ways — through church, through activism for child safety, or through caring for a child with special needs, for example. Over time, they learned that redemption comes through the choices they make, not through the psychic punishment they dole out to themselves. For now, however, your challenge is to cope and to find help for yourself. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    2. Sylvia, I’m so sorry your are going through this. I don’t have advice or insight except for this: I want you to know that there are many people in the world, myself included, who can read your story and feel only compassion. If I judge you at all from your story, it is only to judge you as a loving parent. Not everyone is thinking poorly of you, at all. You’re living every parent’s worst nightmare. I’d give you a hug right now if I could. My experience in life has been that the people who judge the most are the people who don’t realize how easily bad stuff happens. They could so easily be in your shoes. They just don’t realize. I hope eventually you will find healing and peace. You deserve it just as much as the next person.

  51. I have a question I was not in an accident but my boyfriend was recently the driver in an accident in which his coworker and good long time friend was killed in I’m wondering a any tips of how I can help him in anyway and B is there any kind of group for people like me that weren’t directly connected to it but whose lives are totally changing due to it

  52. So glad to have found this site. I wish I’d known it when my tragedy took place.

    Mine was a medical situation in Christmas 2008. My Dad was at home having chemotherapy. Due to lots of small mistakes – bad advice from doctors, him not saying how bad he felt (to protect us), my Mum busy trying to help him and her elderly mother, the distractions of the time of year, he was able to become dehydrated and catch pneumonia, we didn’t realise until it was too late and he died after a few hours in hospital.

    I certainly did nothing intentionally wrong, in fact I couldn’t have tried harder to help over the whole time, but I did misunderstand things and not check certain symptoms out. In my case it’s like lots of small mistakes and what ifs, and just thinking how on earth could I not have known he was in danger, he seemed do ill.

    The impact on my family was the hardest thing for me, especially his parents. It was doubly tough as well, since after a very difficult teens and twenties I was finally starting to find some happiness and direction. My Dad had been a severe alcoholic for a time in my teens. I was also just starting to get closer to him as he’d recently given up smoking, which I really appreciated. It was like the one moment my life started to work out then it happened.

    I think one thing which helped me was working through what took place and realising how confusing the situation was. It took years to really put it in perspective. Hindsight leaves you feeling so stupid, but actually there were many things which made it do hard for me to spot the danger. Also I left my Dad on good terms, thinking I’d looked after him really well, even though we hadn’t got on well for a while. I think he was happy I was helping him.

    Doing art has helped me – not art about what happened, just my own stuff. Also being at work with friends is good. I’ve recently spoken to my sister and cousin about what happened too. Recently I’ve finally started to grieve for my Dad a little, it’s a nice feeling, to remember him tenderly.

    I’ve got so much compassion for people on here! Hope you can all find your way on to the next thing.

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