Channeling Guilt Into Growth: Reflections on the Anniversary of an Accident

This June marks the 40th anniversary of the accident that has so affected my life – an 8 year old boy darted in front of my car and was killed. Not a single day has gone by since then when I have not thought about that child. For the first year or two, in the grip of acute and post-traumatic stress, memories of the accident dominated my consciousness. In the middle of a meeting at the office or an evening out with friends, an image of the child would flash into my mind, pulling me away from the here and now and stoking my grief and guilt. Later, the memories became a harsh way of punishing myself. Whenever I felt celebratory or proud, some inner voice would say, “Remember what you did. You don’t deserve happiness. And it can happen again, so keep your guard up.”

I still think of the child every day, and occasionally the memories can still jolt me. For the most part, however, my thoughts and feelings about the accident and my role in it are far gentler than they used to be. I choose to honor this child, his family, and my own suffering by striving to live with purpose, appreciation and awareness. I regularly fail at this of course but I keep at it.

I hope and believe that better support for CADIs will lead to a more compassionate society  – and that is helpful to all of us, whatever our life circumstances – victim, CADI, bystander, etc.

As our communities begin to understand how common accidents are and how many people are suffering because they accidentally killed or injured someone, we might see declines in risky behaviors such as distracted or drunk driving. As more people understand the pain that CADIs experience and extend support, we can create a more caring society. And, with such support, as CADIs learn to transform guilt and post-traumatic stress to post-traumatic growth, we will be able to give more of ourselves to others.

I still mourn for the child who died on the road that horrible day. I grieve for the pain that his family – and mine – endured. But I am committed to the effort of channeling this grief in productive directions, by offering support for others, by writing, and most of all by trying to show kindness toward others. To me, it’s the only response that makes any sense at all in the face of senseless tragedy.

 

4 thoughts on “Channeling Guilt Into Growth: Reflections on the Anniversary of an Accident”

  1. Thanks for sharing. I feel much the same and just wanted to add something awesome that happened last year on the 20yr anniversary date of my accident. My twin baby granddaughters were born. Of all the days in a year I feel God picked that day to cheer me up. Now every year on that day, I have their birthdays to celebrate, something positive and I do believe they are a very special gift from God.

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