Coping with Causing a Serious Accident
A Site for Information, Support, and Healing
Who We Are
We are good people who have unintentionally harmed others, in accidents occurring on the roads, at work, at play, or around the home. I call us CADI’s (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). Most of us feel grief, guilt, and distress about our accidents. Over time, we learn that our mistake does not have to define us.
Who I am
I am a social psychologist and educator. I am also a CADI, as a result of an accident in which an 8-year old boy ran in front of my car and was killed. I have been talking with and writing about CADIs for over ten years.
Highlights
There is no easy path to peace. Each of us must find our own way through this dark night of the soul. Although we cannot change what happened, we can control how we respond. I believe that CADI’s face three challenges:
- Coping with emotional distress;
- Wrestling with responsibility and with moral injury;
- Honoring our experience, and those we harmed, by becoming better, stronger people. In this, we find hope and growth.
In this site, I share information and resources that may be helpful to you. I encourage you to share your ideas and experience. You can write me privately here, or add your comments so that other readers can benefit from your input.
Tonight, I experienced my first real episode of PTSD. In August of 2018, I was driving home from work at 10 pm and I struck and killed an elderly woman as she was crossing the street. It was dark out and this part of the road was not well lit, she had dementia and often left her house at night to find her missing cat that never existed. Before I knew it, she stepped in the road and my car hit her. I saw her out of the corner of my eye at the very last second, but that didn’t… Read more »
My 23 year old son accidentally shot my 16 year old in my house. I was in the next room when the shot was fired. I took care of my grandson until EMS arrived. My grandson survived and is paralyzed. He is making good progress thank the Lord! Who knows, he may fully recover, he may only partially recover. We are carrying tremendous guilt over this. My son for causing the accident, my husband and I for not securing our guns. All our children and grandchildren know how to handle guns. My grandson will not let us blame ourselves. We… Read more »
Hi there I am from Northern Ireland. I am 42 years old with three great kids and a husband I adore for the last 20 yrs. I buried my dad two weeks ago and yesterday I hit an elderly woman with my car . I was pulling out of a car park onto a main road and one minute there was no one there and the next minute there she was. She was injured still don’t know how badly and I have never felt anything like the shame and guilt I feel…i feel like I’m dying inside. I pray to… Read more »
Bridaine Shannon, it does get better. Day by grueling day. I wonder if you know more about her condition now? It was clearly an accident- I know that sounds so trite, but it is true. You would have never hurt someone on purpose. I send prayers of peace for you during this time of grief for your father. These things happening so close together has to make you feel as if you are losing touch with reality. I know these accidents are so difficult to face, knowing we have hurt others even unintentionally is such a heavy burden on our… Read more »
I’m 46 right now and at the time of the incident I was 29. My 5th child was born on the day it happened. I was a bartender for a pretty scummy bar on a rough part of town. I got into fights with people I kicked out and whatnot. One night, a man who I previously fought and embarrassed (I am still ashamed of it), came to the bar with a shotgun. He pointed at my head and I did what I could. I pushed him back and I was going to grab the gun or run. I wasn’t… Read more »
I am writing because I feel like I’m having an odd emotional reaction to my situation and I’m hoping to find others that may have experienced something similar or can help me understand what’s going on. Here’s the unemotional facts of the situation: In Summer of 2018 I was driving home from a bar, and a couple, who was also highly intoxicated, had pulled over on the shoulder of the freeway to switch drivers. The woman, who was the passenger, had her door open and was getting out of her side when I hit the rear corner of their car.… Read more »
I do not think you are selfish. However, you feel is valid & its okay. Everyone deals with trauma differently. I’m no expert but I think the fact that you have perspective on the accident & the other contributing factors is a good thing. My experience is very different from yours. My dog died bcuz I froze when she needed me. She was everything to me & it was traumatic to me. But I need you to know that I am not comparing or pretending I could possibly understand what you are going through. I would crumble. You sound like… Read more »
My 14 yr old son accidentally shot and killed his best friend. I don’t know if it is harder to loose a child in one swift act or to slowly loose one every day. He says he can deal with this on his own, though he is in counseling. The legal issues are still on-going. He is treated horribly in our town and at school. He will not turn to me or anyone. There are no support groups for us and even if there were, not sure he would ever go, how do I help my son? He lost the… Read more »
Hi Donna, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have dome psychological support from professionals but speaking with others who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic. You and/ or your son are more than welcome to join us. Hang in there, mom. Much love to you! -Tree Admin@accidentalcasualties.com
Donna I am so very sorry! Just being there! He is grieving and processing this reality. But you aren’t alone, it feels that way but you aren’t. Search for cases like yours and try to find community. ❤️ Prayers for you all!
I am very sorry, Donna. I don’t know what to say, other than you, your son, and family are in my thoughts and prayers.
On May 4th I was on my way to pick up my fiance from work, Its about .7 miles from our home. It was dark and I was driving the speed limit. My brother was killed in a similar accident 12/21/12 so I am a careful driver. Then something hit my car and I pulled over instantly. I got out of the car and saw a bike. I was outraged that someone threw a bike at my van. I began to approach the bike and I saw white socks. It was all I could see. I approached the man, he… Read more »
Oh Kay, I am so sorry for your pain and trauma. We have a support group for CADIs on Facebook that is 70 strong of the most incredible humans ever, full of empathy, advice, support. Please consider reaching out. You can find us through the Facebook link on the website below for AccidentalCasualties dot com or reach me directly at admin@accidentalcasualties.com We are all going through the same emotions, grief, trial, tribulations. We also have PTSD – specific counselors in group. I am the “Patricia” in the New Yorker article “The Sorrow & Shame of the Accidental Killer”. As I… Read more »
Theresa – How do I find your FB group. I had reached out a year ago, but never remembered getting a response or if I did I did not see it. I am also a survivor of a fatal MVA – I am 2 1/2 post accident and have learned that you do survive these tragedies. Like you, I feel a strong calling to help others who have been through these tragedies.
You can reach the Facebook group by visiting accidentalcasualties.com.
I’m really sorry to hear about this tragedy and the trauma you’re going through. I went through it, too. And it was the hardest thing I ever went through. Even 6 years later, I still get those ugly, dark feelings that come from taking a persons life. It will haunt me forever, I think. I don’t feel like any words will make you feel better, but just know that there are people out there who are going through the same thing as you and you’re not alone. And also, just remember that it was just an unfortunate accident and not… Read more »
Kay, I just read your story and mine is just too similar. Loosing a brother to a motorcycle accident by a vehicle turning left – I was 15 and learned to survive. Then, at age 40 I was involve in the same accident with a motorcycle, but I was the vehicle turning left. I am post 2 1/2 years my accident and it has changed my life. I understand everything you are going through. I’m sending my love and peace to you.
I too had a similar experience this past June . The motorcyclist died on scene. I think about it every day. I am still in counseling and learning how to deal with my feelings but it’s hard. I am forever changed. It’s nice to hear from others who have been through this as well. My prayers are with you all. I would love to be a part of the private Facebook group. I feel like I still have a long journey ahead in several aspects. Thanks for reading.
Hi Kristin,
We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals but speaking with others who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic.
:::hugs:::
-Theresa “Tree”
Hi Kay,
First, thanks so much for sharing your story. I just discovered this website last night and I’m so relieved that this community exists.
Re: your comment about wanting to reach out to the family but now knowing how – have you heard of restorative justice? Here’s a link to an accidental death case that may be of interest to this group. I know a lot of people who have found peace through facilitated dialogue – restorative justice can be life-changing for everyone.
https://www.timescolonist.com/news/local/restorative-justice-offers-a-way-for-peace-to-come-from-tragedy-1.946370
So glad that I found this site as I’ve been dealing with some PTSD-like issues from my accident lately. Mostly intrusive thoughts and flash-backs but also nightmares. I am a 40-year-old woman. I caused a fatal car accident when I was just 17 years old. In less than a week, it will be the 23rd anniversary of the accident. I made a left-hand turn in front of an on-coming vehicle, causing the death of the driver of that vehicle. He was a man in his 30’s with two young children. To make things worse, I had my best friend with… Read more »
It really helped me reading this. My accident was at 28, but I was just beginning to get my life on track after mental health difficulties starting around age 14, so in a way it all joins up. My chance to finally move on was taken away. For what it’s worth it sounds like you’ve done something really good in your life, with your choice of career, even if it’s a struggle at the moment.
M. Derang,
We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals but speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic.
PS: There are a lot of nurses as well as first responders in the group. ❤
-Theresa “Tree”
Two weeks ago, i was on my way home from work, excited to play video games and see my girlfriend. It was 10:15pm and i was on a very unlit highway in the Port of Tacoma. I checked my side mirror and blind spot to move over a lane and it was occupied, so as i looked back up i see a man maybe 10 feet in front of the car. i was going 60 miles an hour and my airbags exploded and my windshield shattered. i got the car to stop and the alarm was blaring from my car.… Read more »
It’s been three days and I relate.
It was not your fault. I havn’t told my story yet. I will one day.
The images stay but you have to know it wasn’ your fault. Just wrong place, wrong time.
Would it help you to contribute some of your time to helping people who are homeless, or those with mental health issues? This would help others similarly unfortunate and who may be less likely to be hit by cars, bikes, trucks or trains as a result of your help.
Hello Timothy, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals but speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic. I would urge you, however, to find a good psychologist, one that specializes in trauma and hopefully utilizes EMDR, ASAP. The sooner you… Read more »
Being able to read that other people have gone through something similar is helpful. Dec 13/17 is when i caused a fatal accident. I was going to work (I’m an emt and was driving the work vehicle) and I didn’t stop at a stop sign. I was going 100km/hr and t boned another vehicle. I don’t remember any of the accident or that day, aside from waking up in the hospital. I was told that it was amazing that I was alive because I had some fairly serious injuries. I was also told that I wasn’t speeding, not on my… Read more »
You’re not alone and accidents happen like this all the time- happened to our family. We live with PTSD and regret even though the family of the victim has forgiven us. Every holiday and joyful time just seems empty because we know they are missing their loved one. Know you are in our thoughts
Chelsey, I experienced something similar to you. On December 12, 2017 I was going to see my sister. I had been going about 40 mph and it was snowing so much and the roads were very dangerous. I was on a two lane highway that had a median and then the other two lanes for oncoming traffic. I slid in the snow and it turned my car sideways. I went through the median into oncoming traffic and hit another car. That woman died at the scene. I was charged criminally, but I only ended up having my license suspended. I… Read more »
Jillian, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. Please feel free to join us. We’d be glad to have and support you! -Theresa “Tree”
33 years ago my dad died in a car accident caused by a distracted driver. My family forgave him at that time and I didn’t give any thought to the ongoing pain that he or his family would endure. He moved and I never reached out to tell him that we were ok and had forgiven him. I looked for him and found his daughter this year and was saddened to hear not only that he had died last year but that he needed to know that we forgave him to have peace and that we had not considered that.… Read more »
Dear Gerl, So very sorry to hear of the accident that claimed your father’s life and the pain you and your family and so many others had to endure. I’m sure his daughter appreciated your forgiveness. I’m grateful to hear that your family forgave the driver. It’s not often to hear this. You’ll never know how comforting it is to a driver to know some people really forgive. It helps more then you know. As a driver who’s accident claimed the life of my best friend after having a few drinks with beloved friends, my life changed in an instant.… Read more »
Geri,
You are a special, exceptional human being. ❤
My bad decisions caused the death of my baby at 23 days old. I was irresponsible for going off birth control before starting my prenatal vitimins and before I stopped drinking and smoking on the weekends. I found out I was pregnant early, at about three weeks, and stopped all drinking and smoking, but had drank and smoked at a wedding the weekend before I found out. I knew it was in my child’s best interest to get healthy before trying to conceive, but I didn’t, I just assumed everything would be fine. I feel like I gambled with her… Read more »
Dear Erin What I read is that you are a mom that loved and will always love your baby, but your beautiful baby was not for this world. Your beautiful baby was a special baby, maybe only sent to make you a mom. Your baby was loved for its entire life. Cherish the love you had and still have for your baby forever. They say our lives are mapped out for us before we are even born and that being the case it was God’s will and no intervention on your part could have changed God’s plan for you and… Read more »
Dear Erin, So very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you endure. I agree with Andorra. Some things we are just never going to understand. I fell and hit my stomach hard when I was 7 months pregnant for my son. As I took him for his well baby check ups in the next 3 or 4 months they kept measuring his head and saying it was below average and they wondered if he may be retarded. I told them about my fall and the Dr. told me he didn’t believe it had anything to do with… Read more »
It’s very unlikely your behaviour in the first few weeks of your pregnancy caused the heart defects. I wouldn’t blame myself at all, if I were you. (Maybe worth finding out if the heart defect was a genetic thing though).
You are a human being and we are fallible. You did your best and trusted the experts, as most of us do. You are not irresponsible, just human.
It’s 4 am and I’ve been up for hours reading everyone’s stories. While so unfortunate, it somehow helps to read them. Christmas Eve 2017, about 7 months ago, will forever be the worst day of my life. I left my apartment to pick up my little brother after from work. He was 16, I was 20. We were very close. It was his first job, and he had been working for about 2 weeks. I hadn’t seen him since he began working, so I was really excited to finally see him and talk to him. I pulled up to his… Read more »
It doesn’t get any easier but let me tell you the brother you lost will always forgive you as you would forgive him. Years ago I talked my brother into going with a friend and me on a joy ride with a car my friend had taken. We were in a wreck and my brother was killed so ask me if I feel guilty, hell yeah. I have since had children and realize life goes on and he would be so proud of my kids. When the guilt gets to be too much I always repeat to myself “he would… Read more »
Dear Maddie, I am so sorry for your loss. When I read your words, I got tears in my eyes. I am in the unique position of being a CADI and, separately, lost my “baby” brother November 19, 2017. He was 27. The two events were not related but are both deeply painful. My CADI happened in 2010. A little boy who wasn’t being watched rode his bike in front of my car. He road from a side street directly into the path of my car. My view was obscured by a tall fence. I slammed my foot on the… Read more »
Have you joined the Accidental Casualties Facebook group? Might be helpful. I also lost a family member in my accident just after Christmas in ‘08. I was really excited and happy to see them before it happened too. So, maybe I can understand a bit. I’d be happy to talk if you want to, if it helps to share the burden.
My heart breaks for you and your family. I doubt any court imposed punishment could be worse than the impact of you and your families loss.
Cindy
My experience is fairly new. In two days it will be a month since the horrific accident. I was on my way home from a business trip, was about five miles away from making it home. I was going across a bridge that I have went over multiple times in my lifetime. The bridge ends at an intersection, so there was a stop light at then end of the bridge. The light was red as I was crossing the bridge and I stopped. However, I stopped too far ahead of the stop line. Looking up at the light, I remember… Read more »
A, We share very similar stories. On September 19, 2016, (just the start of my senior year in highschool) I was on my way to school and eager to finally begin painting my senior parking spot. I was on a two lane road (one lane each direction) when the person in front of me braked in what seemed like an attempt to make a last minute left turn. Within an instant, going about 45 mph, the speed limit, I came within feet of running into the back of that vehicle. Before i knew it, i was looking up from my… Read more »
I’ve read a few of these heartbreaking stories, and can’t imagine what you go through at the time, and live with afterwards. You had to make a split-second decision as an inexperienced driver. Even if you’d gone into the back of the car in front, your vehicles may have swerved into the path of the biker. The man who died didn’t suffer. He wouldn’t have wished you any ill, he sounded like a good man. Enjoy the rest of your life in peace, Jade…and just try to be as good a person as he was. He would have been happy… Read more »
Such a great post, in the sense of your attitude. You’re so strong! Keep it up. It’s really inspiring and I think it’s right.
The man I hit died 2 days ago, and I found out via Facebook post from an angry family member on the comments of the article written after the accident 2 weeks before. My heart is broken, and it’s broken with yours – this is unspeakable pain, but you’re not alone in it. I’m barely 30, had only married just 2 months to the day it happened, and I don’t know how to explain to my 9-year-old son that bad things happen to good people like us. Praying for strength for you, too, my friend.
I can relate to your tragedy as I was involved in an accident in 2016 where I ended the life of a motorcycle driver, age 23 with my teenager in the car. It has literally turned my life upside down and I have had days where I simply hoped I wouldn’t wake up so I would not have to relive it daily, feel fearful of what people think of me and simply deal with guilt and shame. I know in my heart there will never be a day that I don’t remember it or think of it …..as it’s usually… Read more »
Hello “A”, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. Please feel free to join us. We’d be glad to have and support you! -Theresa “Tree”
I am so thankful to have found this site. It has helped me in so many ways, to aid and cope with the fact that my 18 yr old recently became a CADI. He saved every dime he had from graduation to purchase a boat. He is a amateur competitive fisherman. Makes it back to the main road (four lane) from the residence from which he purchased the boat from. A very long story short, he gets hit broad side by a small car and his truck flips. The car had two people in it. The passenger later passed away… Read more »
Ann, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. Please feel free to join us, or have your son join, if you can encourage him. We’d… Read more »
June 18 2017 was the worst day of my life. I was on the skid steer talking to my sister about her putting diesel in the other machine. As I backed up I saw her walking the other way to get in the other skid steer to go put diesel in it. Something happened I don’t know if my sister fell down. I don’t know if what I had on the skid steer pallet pushed her down. But I did feel the machine do a dip which normally means it has a flat tire but I got out of the… Read more »
You are in my heart. I don’t pray, but I prayed for you.
Jackie, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. I am SO sorry for your multiple traumas. You may be suffering from C (Complex)-PTSD. I hope… Read more »
One of the worst things about killing someone in an accident, is that you can never talk about it openly, for fear of judgement or worse. Add that to the panic attacks, alcohol abuse, anxiety/depression, PTSD and generally feeling like you’ve deserved to die for decades and it’s not a great existence. But no-one really cares, because it’s not socially acceptable to have run someone over, people always think you are somehow to blame, even if they don’t say it… And that’s why I said it’s hard not being able to share your trauma, like it’s shameful and somehow a… Read more »
Dear Silver
My heart echos yours.
Your eloquent words reflect my pain. And as we and others know, neither beauty nor eloquence, can remove the daily torture.
Your words make me sad but in an odd why comfort me. I know others also struggle on a daily basis, until now and your written word I did feel alone with my strugle. I just wanted you to thank you for using your ability to at least have an impact on me. Good or bad I never know but your words are a part of who I am. Thank you
Hi Silver! Your words are true and how many of us feel. We have a support group, http://www.accidentalcasualties.com there is info there! ❤️
Well said Silver. I am also very thankful to have found this website and grateful for the person who put it together and for the people who have posted stories, etc. It gives me some comfort just to know I’m not alone. My story is under the personal stories tab if you are interested. And also, yes the support group is something I may check out sometime. But mostly I prefer not to think about any of this.
You put it really well. The judgement, panic attacks, alcohol abuse, etc. I feel the exact same way. My husband committed suicide because I finally got the courage to leave him when I met another man in a similar situation to my situation. He gave me the strength to leave an emotionally abusive situation. My husband was a wonderful family man who loved his children and he loved me on a more obsessive level. He had so many redeeming qualities but his emotional abuse got to be too much so he bought a gun and killed himself because of me.… Read more »
You did not cause his death. He did that.
Others may blame you, but you did nothing wrong, nothing abusive or aggressive. You just left an abusive situation. If he could not live with himself and the situation he created, that was his choice. It was never you who killed him. He did that.
Don’t let him continue to make your life miserable. His chosen actions are not your fault. You didn’t choose them.
Thank you for your words. “generally feeling like you’ve deserved to die for decades”. Wow. I have never seen or spoken with anyone who has been through the same type of experience and can put what I feel into words. I struggle with this feeling frequently still, 9 years later. I’m not suicidal. I will just have a random thought of “you don’t deserve to live” or “you deserve to die in a car accident.” Sometimes I will just be walking or lying in bed and have a quick flashback. I have never told anyone of my struggles. Most of… Read more »
That’s exactly how I feel even though everyone keeps saying it was a horrible unfortunate ACCIDENT. N it was but it’s hard not to feel guilty even if you’re not. I’m not sure I’ll make it through this or even that I should
Dear Anonymous, I am so sorry that you are suffering so much guilt and distress as a result of the accident. Those of us who have had similar experiences understand how much pain you are in — and we also can promise you that you can and will feel better. Please seek support and help coping from a psychotherapist or clergy — or you can contact the suicide prevention lifeline at 1 800 273-8255. This tragedy does not need to define you as a person, and you can find a way to honor the victim through the choices you make… Read more »
I’m not a CADI, but your post made me think carefully about something. My first thought upon reading these is something like, wow, one has to be so careful in life, one has to take so many precautions. But I’m realizing now that this could happen to anyone. It does not matter how many precautions you take; nobody can foresee the future with perfect clarity. I could become a CADI on my way to work tomorrow morning. All it requires is a horrific confluence of factors, a single moment, and inescapable human finitude. I am humbly grateful to everyone who… Read more »
Silver, thank you for these words. I can barely type for crying. They express so much of the pain that just stays inside of me.
Dear Silver, I know exactly what you mean about not being able to talk about it. With inspiration from this amazing page if Maryann Gray’s I created a site where we can all talk to one another securely and privately. We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people… Read more »
When I was 16, my best friend (who was 14) and I were on our way back to my house after seeing a movie. It had been raining for days and it was dark. I didn’t know that the gully on either side of the road had flooded over the road. When the car hit that spot we hydroplaned and the car flipped. The last thing I heard before blacking out was her screams. I was to blame, although I wasn’t blamed. The final report listed it as an accident. My best friend’s mother made sure to tell me that… Read more »
Hi Michelle I just read ur post hun. Ur amazing. You were not at fault yet I see why you think you were. For starters at 16 your barely an adult your still very much a child.
I think you brave to ask to speak to ur friend and I’m glad you did. Your friend saw ur daughter as you because clearly she must either look like you or have your manner that only she can see. To her like her you have not aged honey.
Hugs to you 💕💕💕💕
Michelle, We have a closed/ private/ screened support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. With the combination of a trauma counselor I think you’ll find it of great… Read more »
I tried clicking the icon but it only prompted me to post and I believe it was prompting to post on my page which I definitely don’t want to do. But I need help and I’m not sure where else to turn. A concerned friend shared this site and I’m grateful to feel I’m not alone but it can’t change what happened. Nothing can. I just keep praying I’ll wake up n find this was all just some horrible nightmare but it’s not. It’s real n I’m lost
Hi Kim,
It shouldn’t prompt you to post but to send a join request to the group. Please feel free to email me at: admin@accidentalcasualties.com and I will walk you through it. <3
-Tree
Michelle sharing your story is a step to healing! Accepting that your friend is at peace and no matter what there is a huge aspect of this tragedy was truly out of your control. Forgiveness of ourselves is the daily struggle! You are not just branded a CADI, I also see you are a wife and mom. This is just apart of your journey!
You are not alone! I also struggle with fear of ultimate doom, my loved one or I will die tragically in an accident!
If you are on Facebook there is a support group! Peace to you!
Hi Michelle, So sorry to hear of your accident and the awful struggles you have to endure. Most of us in here know your pain one way or another and know how hard it is to bear. It’s awesome that the family has been supportive of you. Sounds like it was an unfortunate accident. It’s hard not to worry and wonder if one of your own may someday be taken. I wondered that too. A good Christian friend once told me that we have a very loving God and he would never do a thing like that to punish us.… Read more »
53 years ago my elder brother (he was five at the time) was taken from us in a road accident. He just rode out of the drive on his scooter straight under a truck. I was less than one year old, this was in the early sixties in the UK. No counseling, no help for me or my middle brother. ‘Stiff upper lip’, I think this has negatively affected me and most of my relationships for the past five decades, except for my relationship with my own two daughters. I have often thought of the poor man driving the truck,… Read more »
I am replying to your comment because I don’t know where to just post a new post. My daughter is now 12 years old. I am lucky. I say that because someone asking me where my daughter was is the only reason I’m not posting like you. It was my daughters one year birthday and I had driven over to a friends house to set up for her birthday. Balloons, streamers etc. It was July. My husband and his mother had left the house when I did but they headed to the grocery store to pick up the cake. I… Read more »
Four years ago, I forgot my 18mo son in a hot car in August in Phoenix, AZ. He was saved by strangers who notified EMS to a baby locked in a car. Up until that point, I had been VERY judgmental and NEVER understood how anyone could forget their child. Then, it happened to me. It was a simple mental/memory slip. I was treated and tried as a criminal. I punished myself every chance I got. I was required by the court to attend counseling. Best and worst thing ever. Worst because I had to tell a roomful of strangers… Read more »
Please do not hate yourself!You made an honest mistake!My family left me at home in my bed when I was an infant. My Mother thought my older sister had me in the backseat and my Sister thought my r had me in the front seat They had to call an Aunt to go and get me after quite a bit of time had passed by!I was premature and a very quite baby 🚼 and student at school! I was an observer and not a talker and not a cryer so. I fell asleep another time in a dresser drawer an… Read more »
For the past few years i have Been with an amazing guy who i have More in common with than anyone i know. He was family to me along with his three beautiful, smart, funny, amazing kids. I have Spent the last year and a half helping him to raise them, taking them to school, Friday morning donuts, doing homework, making dinner/ school lunches, being Santa and everything in between. I just Started college and my life was in a great spot with some of the most amazing people that i could Surround myself with. My boyfriend had been in… Read more »
Oct 30, 2007 is a day I will never forget. I was coming home with my son from trick-or-treat night. I was only a few blocks from home. It was dark, though there were a few street lights in between the dark the darkness. I passed two cars coming towards me and as I was passing them a woman had walked out in front of me behind those cars. I never saw her until she was flying over my hood and hit my windshield. I stopped immediately and told my son to stay in the car. She was not in… Read more »
May the God.of grace and mercy comfort you and your family
Hi Vickie, On October 30, 2017, at approximately 8:30 PM, while southbound on a notoriously deadly road, a young man had come off a bus which had just passed me. Three or four seconds later I hit what seemed an apparition on this very dark, dangerous road. I hit him. It was surreal. I have not now gotten over it and don’t believe I ever will. I go to therapy every week and see a psychiatrist every month. I have horrible nightmares. My nerves are shot to pieces and there has not been one single day that I don’t relive… Read more »
Joaquin, I am so sorry! 🙁 We have a closed/ private/ screened support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. With the combination of a trauma counselor I think… Read more »
I know your pain because I’m feeling it right now. Thank you so much for sharing
Hi Everyone. On December 8th I dropped my car off at a shop to get worked on. My cousin was going to pick me up so I didn’t have to wait. I had asked her if she wanted me to drive and she let me drive like I’d done many times before. We got on the two lane highway and there was a car in the right lane going slow so I decided to pass them in the left lane. I did not get back over because there was a sharp (almost 90 degree) turn coming up and an enterance… Read more »
In Aug of 2012 my best friend’s daughter- who was my daughter’s best friend- was killed at my house. She was like my own and only 14 years old. My best friend hasn’t talked to me since except to tell me how much she hates me and that it’s my fault. I don’t disagree with her and still deal daily with the guilt. Both girls attempted to jump on the running boards of my oldest son’s truck unbeknownst to him. She fell off and was killed instantly by the rear tire of the truck. My daughter saw the entire thing.… Read more »
Oh momma. We’ve all done silly things like that and it not end up in a tragedy. Please don’t feel responsible. This was an accident and no one is to blame.
@Caroline. I wish I could hug you and just be there for you. You are NOT to blame. The girls were 14 years old and not 4. You should not have to follow around and watch 14 year olds. I’m very sorry how this has affected both families relationships with each other. Hold tight to your family and remaining friends and let them be there for you. You may still blame yourself, but it’s easier going through life knowing you have loved ones by your side. I found much comfort and healing in music and nature. Try and find your… Read more »
You are not to blame! that is grief talking…she will find it in her heart to “forgive you” someday. They were just kids playing outside which unfortunately resulted in tragedy. You weren’t even there when it happened. Please do not beat yourself up
As luck would have it, I found this website from the article in Glamour about the two women who overcame tragedy when one killed the other’s daughter in an accident. I am so glad to have found this safe space because I realize now I too am a CADI. It’s so nice to have a label, a community I never knew existed. Six years ago, my mother and my younger sister were with me for the weekend. As I was driving, I swerved as another car came over onto my lane, hitting a tree. My sister was killed instantly, we… Read more »
I spent a wonderful weekend with the love of my life and two young babies for our five year anniversary. The day after, on the way home I fell asleep, wrecked and traumatically injured my wife. Nine days later I had to decide to remove life support or hope for a miracle. Twenty one years this month I have to re-live the entire senario, as I do each day since. Nothing can change the fact that I killed my wife, rob my children of their mother, and raised my kids alone without the love of a mother. I wish there… Read more »
Guilt and shame are emotional feelings we all share to one degree or another. The feelings I experienced can not be described with our English vocabulary. I accidentally shot my 7 year old boy in the back when trying to unload my hunting rifle. I found him alive just in time to watch his eyes close forever. The bullet ripped a hole in his heart and took out half of each lung. I held him as he grew cold and stiff. I am a seasoned attorney and spent six years trying to figure out a way to live with my… Read more »
Amen. Only GOD can bring you through and give you peace.
I pray your family has followed suit and they have been able to forgive you and you’ve forgiven yourself.
I left my infant son alone while I went to the bathroom. Since he was crawling and close to walking I thought he’d follow me. Had even looked back to be sure he’d seen me & would. He never showed. I found him in a bucket of mop water I’d forgotten to dump out. He was already blue. CPR from me & paramedics did nothing. H would have turned one 5 days later. Only God has been able to keep me sane. Everyone has offered me grace & sympathy….except my husband. It just passed a year since his loss, his… Read more »
Oh Miwa, I so wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world. My husband accidentally caused someone’s death just over a year ago. I found this site because I am looking for help on how to deal with people who are so ungracious in the middle of this. Not about his accident, but about the struggle he had staying on top of things at work for about 9 months. I should add that he is a pastor, so it seems reasonable to expect grace & compassion. I am so grieved by your story and especially that your… Read more »
Your words stuck with me more than any other’s…. die and be reborn. I will always remember this, thank you so much for your comment
please keep your head up, try with all your might to move forward and keep in mind that she is looking down on you, Loving you and your children!
If you have been there for your babies, then Tracy has forgiven you.
She couldn’t ask for anything more. It’s time to forgive yourself MH. Be at peace.
i’m so sorry dude, i wish you some peace of mind and forgiveness.
Where to start? One story here is more moving and more sad than the next. From that I take a little solace that I am not alone. There are the nightmares, the guilt, the engulfing sadness, the realisation that even though it was an accident, I caused a life to end. How do I live with that? How dare I drink wine or feel sun on my face when she can not. I too, was not drunk, on drugs, on the phone or speeding. She was walking at the side of the road. I did not see her. I am… Read more »
Rachel, how horribly unfair and how hard your life is right now. I am so sorry about your situation. Being literally prosecuted must make it all the more difficult to forgive yourself -besides all the other complicating stresses. How strong and courageous are you to keep on loving and looking after your boys. You three deserve to have a happy life. Do keep hoping for, and believing in, a better and happier future. Do try to enjoy the sun on your face. It’s what it’s there for and your sons need to know that. I’m sorry for this skimpy attempt… Read more »
Thank you Birgitta
Your words comfort me
I trust God to see me through this
Accidents don’t count. Accidents are appointments in Samarra, and they happen to all of us. ‘A merchant in Baghdad sends his servant to the marketplace for provisions. Soon afterwards, the servant comes home white and trembling and tells him that in the marketplace he was jostled by a woman, whom he recognized as Death, and she made a threatening gesture. Borrowing the merchant’s horse, he flees at great speed to Samarra, a distance of about 75 miles, where he believes Death will not find him. The merchant then goes to the marketplace and finds Death, and asks why she made… Read more »
Rachel,
Your story hurts my heart. How can one person go through so much and still be standing. You are so strong!. Please consider your sons when considering suicide. Do you really want your xhusband raising them? They need you! Just take one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Thank you Angela for taking the time and consideration to write to me
It all helps
Every day in Ireland the roads claim innocent lives
And every day I do my best for my little boys to be grateful and thankful for what we do have and appreciate the gift of life we were spared
A woman fell asleep at the wheel of her car one sunny afternoon after being up volunteering at her church since 7:30 that morning. Sadly, my beloved nephew was driving in the other lane. She hit him head on. He had room to escape on the side of the road but there was a man riding a bike near him, so he took the hit. He died, she lived..unhurt. Because of lawsuits, etc. the woman was told never to contact us, so when we went to court months later we finally met her. She was a sobbing mess of a… Read more »
Hi Rachel, I only heard of this site in work recently. I’ve read a few of these stories and feel so sorry for anyone on this page who have to deal with this pain. But to also hear that you have been dealing with your husband leaving you and your family for a best friend is tragic alone in itself . You must be extremely strong. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I hope you are receiving professional help to get you through this. I can understand how you may want to give up & get depressed about it… Read more »
Dear Marie
Thank you
Just thank you
I’ve never found anywhere to discuss this stuff other than this website.
I would be willing to talk to her though, I would have given anything to talk to someone 3 years ago after my accident.
If you are interested I will give her my email. I’m 34, in my accident I ran over and killed my friends 17month old daughter. It has been the hardest journey of my life, and have found very little support for this sort of thing.
❤️🙏🏼
We have a support group/closed/private on Facebook of all CADIs so we can interact directly, one-on-one, and it’s been wonderful, educational, and super helpful. It reflects back to this website and Maryann’s tremendous work/voice, too. But allows support and direct communication between carefully-screened members. Anyone that wants to talk to others can reach myself or Jennifer at admin@accidentalcasualties.com
What is the Facebook Group called? I need to connect.
Hello, 11 years ago this August, my best friend’s 4 year old daughter drown while in the care of my mother. This was in the presence of my daughter (4 years) my other daughter (8 years) and my best friend’s son (10 years). I came across an article today in Glamour magazine about the life of Rowyn Johnson and her death. In the article, this site was mentioned. I have dealt with the complicated grief and feelings of all consuming guilt for the past 11 years on my own. As awful as it is to be in this situation, I… Read more »
what is the facebook group please?
Hello. The facebook site is called “accidental casualties.”
Hi my name is Jennifer my accident was 15months ago. I would love to connect with you. Jenn.eikenhorst@gmail.com I agree so little resources and help! So grateful to this site and Maryann leading the way!
Cassie, would it be okay if u shared your email with me? I saw your article in glamour over what happened and would like to have a chance to talk to you? I am going through the hardest thing myself and I feel like you could be someone to talk to and share my story. My email is lale031@gmail.com if you do decide to reach out I’ll be waiting. Thank you
I just read your story. I can’t imagine how this feels. It is not your fault, and some way, some how, you have to get past this situation. I am sure that Rowyn was a beautiful, precious child. There is no way to go back and change what happened. I am sure that you have toyed with that thought , many times, but there is no way to change what has happened. All you can do is try to move on. It is good that you and Brynn have maintained your relationship. You are both going through this, and only… Read more »
Cassie, I read your story online. I don’t want you to keep punishing yourself for this accident. It is unavoidable that you will never forget it but please don’t dwell on it and let your life be defined by it. As a Christian I want you to know that Jesus Christ offers us the forgiveness that reconciles us to God. Please know that He died for you and wants a relationship with you because He loves you. He knows your heart and understands your pain. I am going to pray for you. God Bless you.
Cassie, I just read about your story last weekend. You are an amazing person who was dealt a horrifically unfair hand. You were not careless; you were merely going about your responsibilities at the moment. It would have taken telepathic powers for you to avoid that accident considering the context; that is, powers which no human being has. All the best to your family and you…you deserve it.
Cassie,
You’re a child of God! Remember that. Never ever forget it! He heals the broken hearted and Binds up their wounds, God is healing through the process and you may not even know it. It might be hard, but we must find joy in between pain. God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. I hope you find a little encouragement within this comment. My love is always sent your way.
Just prior to spring break in the final semester of my senior year of my undergraduate studies in Milwaukee, I was walking to class three abreast with two friends when we came upon the crosswalk in front of the university library on Wisconsin Avenue at 14th Street and a car protruded into the crosswalk causing the three of us to each take one step to the left and into traffic where a municipal bus struck me directly on the wallet in the left rear pocket of my jeans and propelled me 10-15 feet through the air onto the sidewalk and… Read more »
My brother was 5 years old when he was struck by a car at sunset on a street near our home. Our babysitter and I stood close enough to hold hands with my brother when he stepped out between two parked cars and was completely run over by the car driven by our neighbor who never even saw him in the slanting rays of the setting sun. The impact shattered his femur and fibia and tibia and the ambulance took him to the hospital while I raced home on foot to tell my disbelieving mother the incomprehensible story. He ultimately… Read more »
Hi All. In 1977 in Darwin Australia I was a 6 year old walking home from school. I lived on a major road a few houses down from a pedestrian crossing. My Mum usually waited for me the other side of the crossing and signalled me when it was safe to cross. This Friday afternoon my Mum wasn’t there (I believe it was God saving her from seeing what happened). I waiting for the cars to stop then started to cross. Just as I got pass the first car another car came around the side of the first car and… Read more »
I just read your story on BBC News Maryann and I am so glad you have attached this website. In 2016, I caused a major traffic accident between myself and another vechile when I went to turn at a junction but was blinded by the sun. I remember watching the car rolling three times and stopping in a nearby field. I just remember screaming and crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. All I could think about was my accident may have caused the death of another person. Thankfully, the other driver (an older man) had been travelling alone and was… Read more »
Dear Maryann
Greeting from Brazil! I’ve finished reading your BBC article and I’m moved about your words. My father died in a car accident due to a frontal collision caused by the other driver. The other driver also died immediately. The driver was speeding to get home in time to his son’ s 1st birthday party. It is so hard for me, as a family member, to accept the driver’s family condolences, but reading your article made me rethink my approach to that family.
Best wishes,
Helena
Maryann, thank you. I’ve read your article on BBC UK and impressed with your strength in talking about this. Sharing something that has been so difficult for you to bear for many years has already helped others, I can see. I am deeply affected by your experience, and have tears in my eyes for the pain you and Brian’s family have known. I hope that the future continues to bring peace, along with the sadness. Two things I can identify with. First, I have a friend, a gentle and kind woman in her 60s who hit and killed a toddler… Read more »
I had a similar experience.. in October 2014 a 12 year old boy ran out in front of my car, he was taken to hospital by air ambulance, he died from traumatic brain injuries the next day, I was asked to give details at the inquest which was deemed accidental death as he literally ran out in front of me and I had no time to react, It has totally ruined my life, I am highly stressed, irrational and irratable with a heavy heart and terrible sense of loss and guilt, . This site is the first time I’ve found… Read more »
Hi I was driving to a friends house after work one Friday in 2017 when a 12 year old boy ran out in front of me like most people on this website I had seconds to react I tried to swerve to miss him but couldn’t stop and hit him front on ,when he ran out he was looking at the other side of the road he didn’t even turn to see me until the split second I hit him he flew a good 30 meters down the road I thought he was dead it was like time had stoped… Read more »
I am incredible sorry to hear of your traumatic story. Remember one thing…..
it is harder to continue living after this than it would have been to give up.
Keep fighting for your life, your son would want you to.
❤️ Cassie (also a CADI)
Beautiful and I agree
Please do this – read your story as if the writer is a stranger. What would you say to them? Write it down and read it back to yourself. I’m sure you would never assign any guilt to their situation, as there is none in yours. And I am sure you would ask them to release themselves from guilt. Accidents happen to us all.
Thank you so much. I am just new to going through this as my accident was a month ago. Sadly a lady ran in front of me on a 60mph road in the pitch dark. Despite me carrying out cpr at the scene she died later. I had my children in the car with me who are also still having to deal with what they saw and although I have been told by police it was not my fault I just feel very alone. There is absolutely no support for the driver in these cases. At best you are left… Read more »
Sorry about your experience JPM. I too was Treated like a Murderer by Hospital Staff and the extended family of a woman that died as a result of an accident that I caused in July of 2005. A week prior to the Auto Accident, I was thrown off of my Horse, landed on my head, and was knocked unconscious. A CT Scan determined that I had 3 brain bleeds. which caused double vision up and down rather than side to side. I was instructed to stay home from work for a week which included an extra day, July 4th that… Read more »
Hi Mary, I read your story on BBC and I really felt sad. I just thought I would write something to show you my support.
You are a very good person Mary. That is the reason it affected you this much. And it is a great thing to do something to help good people like you.
Hope you are alright now. Take care. Kiran
In 1982 I was a front seat passenger in a vehicle that hit a boy on a bicycle, who hurtled down a blind pavement directly in front of our vehicle and we hit him with the left front of the car. Both myself and the driver had been in the military a year before, and in my case I was already suffering from PTSD as a result of it. All I remember is trying to find a phone to call an ambulance, and not being able to do anything other than that. Sadly the child died although whether it was… Read more »
Dear Ms. Gray, I have just read your story on the BBC news website and just wanted to offer you a little supportive word. I find it so sad that you have historically blamed yourself for little Brian’s death. The psychological shock and horror of the event must have been extreme for you and I am sure you would have been plagued by what we now know as post-traumatic stress disorder. You were simply a victim of circumstances and no more responsible for his death than if you had happened to be driving past when he was hit by lightning.… Read more »
Beautiful!
Thank you. I was not the driver in my story. I was the 13 year old person standing next to my eleven year old friend. Both she and the driver made mistakes. She survived but was injured in multiple ways, which changed her life, and the lives of everyone around her. Including the driver. I was called to give testimony at the court case for compensation from the driver’s insurance company. The driver was there and I remember him vividly at the time of the accident – literally tearing his hair out in utter horror. His wife in the car… Read more »
Dear Maryann, I read your heart-felt story on the BBC website today and I have read many stories from others on this website: Accidental Impacts. I was 9 years old going home in the evening from a violin lesson to cross a busy road. I stood on the pavement waiting for the lights to go red as it was green. That was the last thing I remembered. I was coming in and out of consciousness and seeing a paramedic, the hospital, my dad and then being at home late a night. What happened was that I had fainted onto the… Read more »
Hello Maryann, I just read your story in the BBC and was very touched by your experience. I would like to thank you for everything you have done by sharing your story and speaking on a subject that is life changing for many people yet misunderstood. I cannot say I have experienced what you have but it’s clear you care. Many people would try and forget yet you found a way to make something tragic a positive and it shows you are a very kind person. Anyone could have been there and such was a unpredictable experience but you felt… Read more »
Hi. I just listened to Maryann on BBC-radio. Although my traumatic guilt-experience isn’t accident-related, I recognized every sentence she spoke. 30 yrs ago, when I was a mother with two kids 3 and 2 years old. I separated from their father who then killed himself. I have since then felt myself to be a, albeit unwilling, murderer and a dangerous person. Besides causing his death, I made my children fatherless. In some senses I have gotten on with my life, or more like a shadow of what my and my kids life could have been. I have not had any… Read more »
Birgitta, I know it must be hard but there is no way you caused your partner’s death and you & your ‘children’, who maybe now have children of their own, deserve to have the happiest time possible with the future part of your lives. I spent a long time denying myself true happiness because my firstborn twin sons died shortly after birth. Nobody’s fault except that they were premature but the subconscious search for blame and punishment were totally real so I can emphasise to a point. And I have two people in my life, a friend and a colleague,… Read more »
Thanks Stuart! XX
And of course I am sorry for your loss(es) Stuart. It must have been heart and mind wrenching. I does sound like you no longer deny yourself happiness which makes me feel glad and peaceful. X
When I was 14 I was hit by a car while riding my bike. It was on a major road and the car was traveling nearly 100kms an hour, which was within the speed limit. I was badly injured. The driver and his daughter were also injured as my body went through the windscreen. And the truth of it, it was my fault. I rode straight across the road without looking. The driver and his daughter were distraught. They came to visit me in hospital but I was unconscious. When I had recovered I visited them to apologise. I wanted… Read more »
My little brother was backed over by a truck when he was just 18 months old. We were at a picnic and my dad didn’t realize that my brother had toddled behind him across a gravel parking lot. By the grace of God, my brother survived and sustained no serious injuries that day. It was just luck that the loose gravel provided some cushion that he sunk down into when the weight of the truck rolled over him. I witnessed the accident, but being only 4 at the time, I don’t remember a lot of detail firsthand. What I do… Read more »
I, too, am here as a result of the recent New Yorker article. Thank you for creating and maintaining it. It’s important work. One of the things that stuck out for me the most in the article was the extreme paucity of professional resources for people dealing with this issue. In hopes of being useful, there is a modality which is ideal for finding some peace – in a way that truly respects the weight of what has happened and has been done – called Family Constellations. This work is performed specifically for honoring and attending to the unthinkable in… Read more »
I just read the story about you, Maryann , in the New Yorker. Wow – I understand. When I was young, I was in the passenger seat of our family sedan as my mother drove down the 5 freeway at night. This was about 1971. We were in the fast lane. From out of nowhere, two people jumped the concrete divider and ran in front of our car. My mom slammed the brakes on, but it was too late. We hit both people and I recall turning back to see their limp bodies being hit and run over by other… Read more »
I was hit by a car when I was a child. I was on a bike. Obviously, I lived, though I broke several bones and had to go to the hospital. Nearly ten years later I tried to track down the man who hit me… so he’d know I was fine. I was unable to find him, but I do still hope he has moved on.
It was an accident.
I was ALMOST hit when I was on a bike. I was a young teenager and I lived in the country. I was riding on the very narrow shoulder right in front of my house. I heard one car go by and assumed that was the only car, so I turned out into the lane. There was another car coming close behind the first one. The driver was able to swerve around me with squealing tires into the oncoming lane, and also there was no car coming in the opposite direction, or it would have been a horrible accident, and… Read more »
When I was sixteen I killed my best friend in a jet ski accident at Lake Powell. I’m twenty-six now and honestly it’s still hard, every day. I’m on medications for bi-polar disorder and psychosis, and I’m depressed most of the time. I think the worst part about it is the fact that he was a really great person. His life, and the lives of all people killed accidentally, just go(es) unfinished. I think that’s a real shame, and I feel really guilty about it to this day. People are always kind and they say that he wouldn’t want me… Read more »
Thank you for all of the comments. I have never caused the death of another, but I DO like to speed about town in my car. After reading all of the posts, I am going to slow down and give all a safe chance when I am out driving. How I have so taken for granted that nothing would happen — how things can change in an instant. Thank you all so much for your experiences, as sad as they have been. Your stories have made a difference.
I believe a huge part of the suffering that comes from being in this situation (I am not, but I know someone who is) is because our everyday worlds, our social relations and society, exists on a very thin shell of idealism about what life really is. Very, very few of us ever get beyond that thin bright shell over reality: the way it is “supposed to be,” where we all go through step A, step B, step C and then live happily ever after until we die at age 90 or whatever. This is the source of the grief… Read more »
Hi Ellen,
I was very moved by your eloquent commentary. I found the imagery of the stage thought provoking and poignant in reflecting on the pain we experience in this life. I am both a therapist and a member of the Baha’i Faith. There is a story in my religion’s history of Baha’u’llah making this same connection between the illusion of a stage play with life in this material world. Your comments helped me reflect on this story at a deeper and personal level. Many thanks.
Ellen, thank you for putting into words that which is unspoken. How true! My daughter and her friend (both 20) were struck and killed by a deputy sheriff as they attempted to cross a freeway after a minor fender bender. Although the past decade has been a painful journey I have gained great insight into how fragile life is and how important it is to actually appreciate every day given. I see the value of life in a way others may not, knowing that our time is limited. To those who inadvertently caused/ or was involved in the accidents… please… Read more »
As mentioned in another post, I have not accidentally killed someone. But I have had reason to contemplate that “there but for the grace of God go I” — or any of us. A few years ago, I had a large rental SUV loaded up with family during a family reunion. We were traveling down a very busy commercial street with at least five lanes of traffic – at least two lanes going in either direction and a central turn lane. I was not speeding (keeping up with traffic at no more than 35 mph) or distracted in any way… Read more »
My adult son told me about the New Yorker article after I shared two personal stories at a family birthday party last night. That’s how I found this site. I have not accidentally killed anyone. But, I would like those of you who have to know that at least *some* of the rest of us “get it”. Naturally, we cannot understand what it has been like for you because we haven’t gone through it personally. But, I have understood for as long as I can remember that it must be horrific for people who have accidentally killed another human. Maybe… Read more »
I also discovered this site after reading the New Yorker article and was touched because of my own connection to an accidental death 38 years ago, at the age of 28, while crossing an urban street around 11:00 PM with my best friend. We were chatting, wearing dark winter coats and as we neared the curb I remember noticing lights and sort of jumping or hoping to the curb when I heard a sound, a strange bump and then looked around and realized that my friend had been hit by a car. In that instant of realization my life changed,… Read more »
EMDR is so powerful and simple. I wish for more people to learn about it.
Very powerful stories here. As a chaplain, I work with combat veterans who have suffered a wounding of the conscience, what is popularly called a “moral injury.” Some of these veterans are dealing with the pain of killing (or possibly killing) other human beings in war, sometimes accidentally (particularly with children or civilians in the combat zone). One had his PTSD symptoms exacerbated by being involved after combat in an accidental death back in the US. I’m glad this site exists, to let people know they are not alone. I also hope people find a God who mourns and grieves… Read more »