Coping with Causing a Serious Accident
A Site for Information, Support, and Healing
Who We Are
We are good people who have unintentionally harmed others, in accidents occurring on the roads, at work, at play, or around the home. Some call us CADI’s (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). Most of us feel grief, guilt, and distress about our accidents. Over time, we learn that our mistake does not have to define us.
You can learn more about CADIs on this website, and make sure to check out this episode of Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith. You can also discover some of the other recent media attention Accidental Impacts has received.
Highlights
There is no easy path to peace. Each of us must find our own way through this dark night of the soul. Although we cannot change what happened, we can control how we respond. We believe that CADI’s face three challenges:
- Coping with emotional distress;
- Wrestling with responsibility and with moral injury;
- Honoring our experience, and those we harmed, by becoming better, stronger people. In this, we find hope and growth.
In this site, we share information and resources that may be helpful to you. I encourage you to share your ideas and experience. You can write to Maryann privately here, or add your comments so that other readers can benefit from your input.
Accidental Impacts Peer Support Opportunities
We offer 3 options for peer support in addition to this website. They allow those who have inadvertently killed or injured someone to talk with others who share a similar experience, for purposes of mutual support, information-sharing, and encouragement. For more information, email us at [email protected].
Our monthly fellowship meetings occur via Zoom the third Sunday of each month, from 2:00 p.m. until 3:30 p.m. Pacific Time (5:00 p.m. until 6:30 p.m. Eastern time). Each meeting addresses a theme of interest to CADIs, such as self-compassion, post-traumatic stress, various spiritual or religious perspectives, and various therapeutic modalities.
- Expressive Writing (sometimes referred to as Writing to Heal) is based on research and clinical studies about
writing as a way of coping with trauma. After a short introduction, participants spend about 20 minutes writing in response to a prompt and then reconvene for discussion. We are not expected to share the content of our writing but rather to discuss insights or questions emerging from it. Expressive Writing generally meets on alternative Sundays for one hour. - One-to-One Peer Support builds on the Accidental Impacts tradition of informal, one-to-one communications in
between structured meetings, as CADIs meet and relate to one another in fellowship and expressive writing. Peer supporters are CADIs who, through their own experience, have learned valuable lessons about trauma, coping, and growth, which they are willing to share from the standpoint of their own experience, strength, and hope. The relationship between peers gives both parties the opportunity to reflect on their experience, learn, and grow.
These peer support opportunities are not a substitute for professional behavioral health treatment, counseling, or therapy. We recommend that all CADIs receive professional psychotherapy.
Accidental Impacts Mission & Values
Accidental Impacts started out as a modest website and over the past decade has grown to reach a worldwide audience. In 2019 we became a not-for-profit corporation in the State of California. Today, in addition to this website, we offer an array of programs and services including monthly fellowship meetings, expressive writing opportunities, peer support, and outreach. We are the only organization worldwide serving the needs of those who have unintentionally killed or seriously injured other people.
Our mission: Accidental Impacts alleviates the suffering of those who have unintentionally harmed others.
Our core values:
We treat others & ourselves with honesty & integrity.
We approach our work with compassion for ourselves & others.
We accept responsibility for our past actions & for our current healing & growth.
We recognize that healing is both psychological & spiritual.
We recognize community as a source of support for ourselves & others; we commit to building community with & among those we serve.
For information about our Board of Directors, click here.
This site is more than a blessing. For 3.5 years, I’ve never had a place or a person other than my fiancé to talk about the deep dark pain that accompanies an accidental loss. I tried to read everything I could on line and nothing fit our situation. I came across the Red Table Talk and I immediately jumped at the chance to watch it. I watched so intently and listening to the 4 individuals speak, it felt like there WAS support after all. I am the fiancé of an amazing man who had one of my best friends on… Read more »
Less than a week ago my 85.5-year-old father passed from covid. I was 24 hr. caregiver for him and my mother (both bedridden). He had dementia, heart, liver, kidney problems, diabetes, and lung damage. All 3 of us were fearful of the covid vaccines, so we decided not to get them. Last November he was hospitalized and needed minor surgery and was hospitalized for 4 days. No one in the family could see him because of covid. He was telling me he saw people in the room like my sister, brother-in-law, and quite a few others. I had to stay… Read more »
So sorry for your loss. May you find comfort & strength. Courage & forgiveness.
In December 2010, when I was 16, I was involved in a single-car accident with two friends – one survived, the other did not. We were not under the influence and we wearing seatbelts, but I gave into peer pressure and chose to drive recklessly and speed down a soft-shouldered hilly road in wet weather. There is a major lapse in my memory as to exactly what happened, and all I remember is kneeling outside of the car turned upside down. For a few months after I experienced insomnia, dissociation, difficulty concentrating, and suicidal ideation. I continue to periodically have… Read more »
Hi Sarah – Thank you so much for writing – and I am so sorry for what you went through and what you continue to experience – it’s tragic and it truly stinks. And while I don’t have an exact answer to your question, I do have a couple of thoughts. First off, kudos to you for self-care. So many, maybe even most people, who’ve gone through what you’ve gone through do not take the kind of therapeutic steps necessary to gain better control of their lives – so, well done – and it sounds like this is something you’re… Read more »
Just a general question for everyone. How long would you say it took you to ‘come to terms’ with what occurred due to your actions…be it moral injury, accidental death, injury, however these incidents occurred be it through an error in judgement, etc. Finding self forgiveness is such a tough thing. I often wonder if one ever really does wake up in the morning and just live again without the constant reminder of their mistake, Thanks.
Hi Mary — Great question. In my small world – anecdotally I think most people carry this weight for the duration of their lives. It does depend on the person regarding the amount of bandwidth this occupies and the runway upon which they can launch into a more healthy way of being in the world. I realize those answers may not be super-helpful, but I’ve known people who are severely impaired and those who are less so. A therapist can always help us develop ways of coping more positively and finding a place for these sticky thoughts. You are always… Read more »
12/18/20 was the worst day of my life. I made an unconscious decision to leave my home after I had been drinking. Soon after leaving, another car and mine hit head on. My car spun out over a sidewalk, hitting a brick wall. Everyone in the car was OK however when my car spun out onto the sidewalk, it hit 2 people- an 18 year old and 12 year old – they were brothers. The 18 year old passed away and the 12 year old had surgery but was able to recover thank God. I struggle everyday to be able… Read more »
Hi Erin – Thank you us much for writing — I am so sorry to hear this! I can’t imagine how devastated you are – and I commend you for continuing to go to therapy! Please take good notes – and hopefully you can continue therapy when you are incarcerated. I will certainly pray for you — as it must be so difficult to envision separation from you kids for so long. It sounds like you believe in God – and perhaps this is a God who promises to care for you and guide you. If this is the case… Read more »
Hi, I heard of your site, and just want to say how sorry I am that so many have gone through such truly awful experiences. I also hear a lot of strength and compassion here. About 40 years ago I was driving, and a young boy darted into the road, just a couple feet in front of my car. The fates were very much smiling on us that day, because he fully recovered and was released from the hospital. It was just dumb luck my wheel missed him. Yet still whenever I see a pedestrian carelessly walk into traffic (common… Read more »
Hi Richard –
Thank you so much for sharing your story. And I am so happy that this accident did not turn out the way so many others do. Your feelings of gratitude and optimism are really helpful – and the fact that you’re extra considerate of pedestrians is a great way to find ways to learn and grow through this experience.
Sending you grace and peace,
Chris+
My situation is different because it was my husband who was charged with “involuntary manslaughter” for the death of our son (his step-son). My son was 16 yrs. old and didn’t have his seatbelt because he took it off to sleep sideways on his hip. Because of this accident my family is broken. I try not to show emotions of missing my son in front of my husband because it makes him feel guilty for causing my pain. I hate having to hide my feelings from the one person I should be leaning on the most. How do we both… Read more »
Hi Mary – Thank you so much for sharing this! And you are not alone. I, for one, share these haunting feelings – and the pain of hidden feelings – that can be really painful. I would, first off, recommend you get regular counseling. I know most people don’t like to hear this, but there likely are counselors near you that are affordable or even free, and I think this would be a great step for as you navigate these intrusive thoughts and find healthy ways to share and talk with your husband.You might also consider joining our monthly Fellowship… Read more »
On 11/3, I was driving under the influence and a homeless man walked in front of my vehicle. A woman witnessed and stayed with me, holding me and telling me it wasn’t my fault. I had to get a blood test but wasn’t in custody. The few days after the accident, I was so focused on trying to legally save my own life that I didn’t truly realize the extent of what had happened – that I was responsible for someone getting seriously hurt. The week after was when the guilt set in. I didn’t know if the guy was… Read more »
Hi Delia – What a heartfelt story – thanks so much for sharing it! Regarding your questions, I think that every day we are re-defined. Each encounter with each person, in small and subtle ways, changes us. And when we experience something as traumatic as accidental death, certainly it adds to the shaping and molding that life does to us. But shaping is different than defining. You are not the worst thing you’ve ever done. Period. Our work is to have the best thing we’ve ever done define us. My friends tell me the same thing about my accident ‘It… Read more »
Hi, I hit a pedestrian crossing a 4-lane street. I saw him when he stepped off the curb and he hadn’t looked either way before starting to cross. He made it to the median, turned and ran in the direction he came from. I wanted to avoid him. To my right was a telephone pole and my mom was in the passenger seat. To my left were oncoming cars. I was left with a split second decision no one should have to make. The pedestrian died at the hospital seven hours after the accident. This happened 27 years ago.
Oh Rowonda – What a tragedy. I am so sorry you had to go through this. And what a sticky memory it is. The depth of our sadness over these things betrays the depth of our compassion and humanity. I hope you have sought counseling – but it’s never too late if you haven’t – there are wonderful therapies out there. I hope you know that we are more than our accidents. We need not be judged by the worst things we’ve done. And you are loved and valued by many more people than you know (we all are). Please… Read more »
Hi. I shot and killed my best friend by accident w my mothers loaded gun 37 years ago. I was 13 and Jen was 12. I have never really delt w this properly.
I’ve always wanted to talk and help others but I never had a chance too.
Oh Michele!
I am so sorry to hear this – what a tragedy.
I hope you are finding resources and understanding/caring voices here. I hope you will come to our next Gathering this weekend – we’ll meet for 90minutes to encourage and share in ways that can hopefully be helpful to you.
I strongly suggest you seek psychotherapy and find ways to express your heart. There are really effective ways to help us get over these things.
Sending you many prayers and good thoughts!
Chris+
Oh Michele!
I am so sorry to hear this – what a tragedy.
I hope you are finding resources and understanding/caring voices here. I hope you will come to our next Gathering this weekend – we’ll meet for 90minutes to encourage and share in ways that can hopefully be helpful to you.
I strongly suggest you seek psychotherapy and find ways to express your heart. There are really effective ways to help us get over these things.
Sending you many prayers and good thoughts!
Chris+
I belong to a group of people out there carrying a burden that becomes so heavy and hard at times, I have a child with multiple severe food allergies. The problem with raising a child who can die from a bite of wheat like in bread or cake or egg or nuts is that the child’s primary caregiver has to be hypervigilant always. For me, that has meant learning a whole new way of cooking and living. He is our youngest and has 2 older siblings who have no allergies, This means juggling allergy and non allergy foods everyday. This… Read more »
Hi Ann- Thank you so much for writing this! I am so sorry you have to be so hypervigilant — that you are in such a precarious situation. It must be so difficult. I would suggest you seek some sort of psychotherapy. There are many strategies available to help those sticky thoughts and images become less threatening. Finding people to talk about these things (like the good folks here at AI) can be helpful too – do come join us for our regular Fellowship meetings – there’s one this weekend — 90minutes from 5-630p EST. Please know you are NOT… Read more »
Hello, I hope it’s ok to come from a different perspective. My partner was driving his children back to their mothers last year, when a young man ran across the road. The reports locally are that he was committing suicide. My partner hit him and he died a day later. My partner is the one going through the emotions but it’s affecting me in the sense I don’t know what to do to be there for him. I always let him know that I’m here and always will be. But we are loving in fear of people knowing it was… Read more »
I know for me, one of the first things I learned was to stop asking “why?”. That will never stop if you don’t stop it first. What helped me was to just accept that for some reason, fate put me in that place at that time, and i had no control over it. It is what it is.
Hey There- Thanks so much for posting This situation is similar to the one Darin Strauss went through – and wrote about quite eloquently in his great book ‘Half a Life.’ The teen he hit on a bike, it was later discovered, had just written in her diary, that she was going to commit suicide that day, and Darin, like your partner, was the chosen method… Anyway, you and your partner are in pain. It stinks. It is not a good place to be. I am sorry. I offer my prayers and support and I am here if you want/need… Read more »
MY WALK WITH GRIEF Grief is many things. It’s anger, sorrow, hopelessness, and sleepless nights. Sometimes it’s a dull ache you can almost forget. Other times it’s a sharp knife ripping something deep in your chest. Tonight it hurts like hell. Baby loss isn’t something that just happened at one tragic day in our lives years ago. It is something that we carry with us as we endure each and every day and special occasion that comes and goes without our daughter here with us. And it’s all my fault. Every milestone that should have been achieved is locked away,… Read more »
Dear Michelle, Thank you so much for taking the time to detail your loss and subsequent pain. It is so important for us not to keep things bottled up, not to put on masks, and to sincerely articulate how we are feeling. We know this is therapeutic for ourselves, and by doing this you have given a gift to others as well. Many people in this space talk about healing but the truth is we are simply interested in coping. You have, group of hopeful, encouraging people, at our best. And we will substantiate your paint with our own, agreeing… Read more »
I’m really glad I found this site. Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences here, although I’m sincerely sorry that any of you have gone through them. It helps to feel a little less alone. I’ve never told anyone about this, so I apologize that this came out in real time. In 2009, I was visiting my grandparents. They were preparing to move closer to my Mom, out of state, and I was supposed to be there helping with general day-to-day cleaning. My grandma was one of the few family members who had been unconditionally supportive and openly… Read more »
Hi Em- And wow. You are an amazing woman. To go through all you’ve gone through – to endure relentless trauma after trauma – you are a woman of great resilience and fortitude. Malcolm Forbes famously said that humans tend to undervalue who they are and overvalue others. And this is always so important to hear and re-hear: your story is so full of care and concern for those around you which betrays the depth of love you have for them. You wouldn’t feel so bad if you weren’t such a good person. So thank you so much for sharing… Read more »
Hello, I have never taken part in a support group. Thank you all for sharing your traumatic personal stories. I was 17 when I met my amazing boyfriend. Two years later, he passed. This is the part when I feel angry. 19. “She is so young. She is only 19. She could find a new boyfriend. Well it wasn’t a ‘serious’ relationship. She wasnt married to him.”…. But to me it was. To me, James was extremely kind and full of life. He had an old soul, but of course he was reckless. He almost went pro in BMX. We… Read more »
Hi Verna – Thank you so much for sharing this – and I am so sorry for your loss. It is awful. And I can only imagine the guilt and shame you feel. The best advice is always to seek professional guidance through a psychotherapist. Your burden is a huge and heavy load, especially during COVID. The good news is that you and I have a community of people here who have done what we’ve done and whose wisdom can inform us. There is reason for hope. People who’ve done what we’ve done have gone on to live another day… Read more »
A few years ago, it was the end of January and it was a early, misty morning, as it had rained the night before. I was working as a barista at a small coffee shop one town over from where I lived. I had to be in at 6:30am and usually I was in a rush getting to work on time but this particular morning, I had woken up about an hour earlier than I usually did. I got ready for work, kissed my girlfriend goodbye and left about 20 minutes earlier than I would on a normal day. I… Read more »
James – What a powerful story. I am so sorry you have to endure this. It is horrible. However, you are correct in that you’ve found a community of people to whom this story has great resonance. While we cannot know exactly how you feel, we do feel for you in a very strong way and are here for you as you continue the journey toward greater self-understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness. You are not alone because this happens to about 35,000 Americans every year – it is that common. What I glean from your story is that you are a… Read more »
My husband and I were teen parents and had really struggled through parenting, marriage, and just figuring out life together. In 2019, our kids were grown and we got a new house. Life seemed to be absolutely perfect for the first time ever- I got pregnant and it was this fairytale come true. On December 29, 2019 my husband and son were doing some construction work at our neighbor’s house. They had finished the work and my husband made my son drive while he rode on the tailgate home (something my husband has probably done a thousand times in his… Read more »
Hey Sarah – Boy, what a tough, tough situation you’re in – I’m so sorry to hear of your battle here. In the midst of a trauma of this nature I can only imagine how common it must be for us to help the victim: your husband, and neglect the CADI (def: person who Causes Accidental Death or Injury), your son. Of course it does no good to dwell on the ‘I should have…’ (aka shoulding all over yourself), it does help you identify an aspect of your pain that a professional can help you deal with. Meanwhile, your inquiry… Read more »
It was the day after Christmas in 2012. I was 22 years old and visiting family. My 2-year-old niece was sharing a room with me that night. I had left the bedroom door cracked so my dog could go in and out. The back door was not secured and could easily be pushed open by anyone. I remember my niece trying to wake me very early and leaving the room but I thought nothing of it and went back to sleep. I was woken again by panic in the house as my sister was looking for my niece but could… Read more »
Hi Brian – What a devastating story. I am so sorry you had to go through this and, because I have done the same thing, can somewhat imagine your pain and guilt. I hope you and your family have sought psychotherapy as a response to this. You have deeply injured your soul. As you probably know, it’s called moral injury – it’s a violation of our moral code and the effects run deep and long. While these feelings almost never go away, we can find ways to deal with them in a healthy way and perhaps accomplish things that can… Read more »
I am not a CADI but I am in a relationship with somebody that is due to an accident when he was 12 he has become an addict due to this and mentally he is not in the healthiest place. He just went to jail again and I’m trying to find some literature to send to him can anybody point me in the right direction or even point me in the direction of where I could get some help with learning how to help him the right ways, the is best for him.
Hi Meranda! I think that our ‘resources’ page has some good information for you as a supporter of a CADI. We always recommend that a first step for your loved one is to seek psychotherapy – which may or may not be possible in jail. But this can help him learn about the dynamics at work and give him a deeper understanding of healthy responses. It sounds like he is really hurting and he is lucky to have you in his life. Loving, supporting relationships are really important to our health. You would also be welcome to attend our monthly… Read more »
I just found this site, and i have to say, I think i’ve been searching for it for the last 23 years. I became a CADI in July of 1998, and for the past 23 years, i’ve felt like i’ve been searching for some sort of “family” that could understand what it’s like. My family, while very supportive, i don’t think can truly understand the mental, and emotional anguish i’ve dealt with. I’ve been lucky, I didn’t fall into a deep depression abs my faith kept me going. While obviously I realized i had to press on in life, there… Read more »
Hi Byron! Thank you so much for reaching out – it testifies to the never-ending job we have of remembering those we’ve killed (may they rest in peace and their work never be forgotten) and the job we have of continually caring for ourselves. Yes, you have found a community of understanding and care. We believe we are not defined by the worst thing we’ve ever done but can cope and do productive things that can honor those we’ve harmed. I assume you’ve cruised around the site enough to see that there are ways to get involved in this movement… Read more »
Three and a half weeks ago I was driving to work in the dark about 6:30am. I live in a rural area where we have a highway and intersecting roads with stop signs. All of a sudden, I saw a man on a bicycle in front of my headlights. It was only for a split second and then I hit him going 55 mph. I will never forget the sound and the sight of his impact on my car. I braked right away and put the car in park. I was in a daze as I got out of my… Read more »
Liz- I’m glad you found this page. It’s a tough road managing the trauma you’ve experienced, but it helps to be connected with people who understand and are going through the same thing. Be gentle with yourself and reach out for help.
I have previously posted about my CADI experience. It happened in April of 2020. I ran over an individual that was laying across my lane in a poorly lit curve on a rainy night. I can’t stress enough the importance of having an outlet. Whether it is through sharing your experience here, being part of a support group, sharing with a “willing” friend, journaling, or seeing a professional. It took several months before I could pass the mile marker without intense anxiety that often affected my whole body. I remember the first time I missed it. The first time I… Read more »
Hi Lea!
What great advice – thank you so much for posting on this. 100% agree.
Chris+
One year ago, in a dark, troubled and hopeless state of mind, my reckless behavior while driving under the influence, caused a senseless tragedy to occur. Unfortunately, an innocent and unsuspecting person is no longer here and their family is left to endure the consequences. I can only imagine and attempt to empathize with the immensely traumatic grief, pain and suffering I have selfishly and so unfairly imposed upon them. I allowed my judgement to be inhibited in a catastrophic manner and as desperately as I wish I could go back and make different decisions or trade places with them,… Read more »
Erik –
Wow.
This is an incredible missive. I am inspired by your transparency and openness – your penitence and empathy. But I am most impressed with your hope. People who have suffered much less have not made it this far.
Godspeed in your continued journey to affirm that you are not your crime, you are not your worst action, you are not your greatest trauma. You are a child of God, made in the image of love, and may you have continued bravery and courage to always, always, hope.
Chris+
Thank you. That is all I can muster…thank you for that perfectly timed vulnerable honest and loving display! Thank you.
I caused an accident in the home when i was 12, that killed my 3 year old brother. It was 1972 and all these years later…my family never talked about it, I’ve never discussed it seriously with anyone. It haunts me. Where do I even begin with this?
Hi Robin – You just did – Thank you for reaching out to a community of folk who’ve done the same thing and can likely ‘get’ you better than many others can. The truth is that when we cause accidents of this magnitude we don’t ever forget it – sometimes we don’t ever get over it – but we can learn to cope with it. I would strongly suggest your next step to be psychotherapy. You have suffered something called a ‘moral injury.’ Your body is fine, your mind is not, because you have violated your moral compass. Psychotherapy can… Read more »
When I was a little boy, I had a little girlfriend, and I would walk her home after school. My parents told me not to go through a very busy intersection in LA because it is “dangerous.” They made a point and insisted I never go that way; I think they knew I had gone that way before. My girlfriend’s mom had told her the same thing. One day, I met my little girlfriend, and totally disregarding their warnings I walked with her. At the intersection we started to cross, and a car struck her down, dragged her and stopped.… Read more »
Bob –
Wow.
What a brave post – brimming with help for us as we navigate our accidental killings.
Those involved in 12 step programs like to say, ‘You’re only as sick as your secrets’ meaning that traumas like this that we hide eventually find a way out, and not always a healthy one.
I hope everyone can take your powerful advice, thank you so much for sharing it.
Chris+
Hi Bob, woah that is heavy. thank you for sharing your story. It is extremely brave of you. I feel like it is easier to share our tragic stories on here rather than in person. To me it feels so difficult to express grief face to face. This is my first post/response. Yours stuck out to me instantly. I have a few questions…. I lost my boyfriend at 19 years old. We were together for 2 years. One Saturday night we got into an argument. BTW we never argued. The next day he shot himself. However, it was not suicide.… Read more »
Hello everyone. I wasn’t sure I wanted to post anything here, but after seeing how many others have experienced the horror of accidentally causing someone’s death, I figured what I have to add to the discussion might actually be of some benefit to someone. So, here goes: When we were teenagers, my younger brother Paul and I (14 & 17, respectively) were horsing around in the parking lot of a local shopping mall. He eventually wound up on top of my hood with me driving. I started going too fast for his comfort (and mine, seeing the horrified expression on… Read more »
Hey Copley – Ya, you’re right, I haven’t seen anyone share quite the same story as you have – and I hope someone with some insight into this particular aspect of PTSD can post something helpful. I am really glad you posted not just because of your query, but because you are a living testament to what tenacity and resilience can yield. Ya, it often takes that long for the sting of grief to dissipate, but it can dissipate. I think it’s important to hear stories of ‘success’ like yours – in that you have found a way to cope.… Read more »
I lost my little boy, Marshall, in a farm accident Oct 11, 2021. Marshall was 5 years old. He was riding on the tractor with me while I was pulling the shredder/bush hog. He was flung of the tractor by a tree branch that the exhaust stack caught and snapped back, I watched it all and there was nothing I could do. I miss him so much.
Hi Mitchell – Thank you so much for sharing the story about Marshall. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and heartache that have resulted for you and many others. Your courage in sharing this helps us remember the frequency in which this happens – that there are tens of thousands of accidental killings, not to mention hundreds of thousands of accidental injuries, every year in the U-S (alone!). I hope you have sought out a psychotherapist to help you process what I can only imagine are deep, deep wounds. As an accidental killer I can approximate what you are… Read more »
Hi, although I am fortunate (so far) not to have ever accidentally killed anyone, I am traumatized reading the gloating comments on Twitter from right-wing political figures taking delight in Alec’s predicament. How should we respond to this? Twitter is not enforcing their rules against people who think what happened to Alec is funny.
Hi Andrew —
Thanks for visiting here —
Personally, haters will be haters. Twitter is awash in them. I think contacting the platform and asking them to enforce their rules would be a start. If you feel compelled to respond, go for it, but I find the platform ill equipped for serious, transformative dialog.
Martin Luther King, Jr famously said that the only way to make a friend out of an adversary is through love. Hitting back only makes things worse. Ignoring it and taking the high road is the best way IMHO.
Peace,
Chris+
Unfortunately social media gives mean people a bigger arena. There is true evil in the world, and people who hurt others because they can fall into that category. Nobody here is evil, and I am sorry for your pain and suffering.
You are not bad people. You didn’t even do a bad thing – that requires deliberate intent.
I wish you love. I wish you peace. We all, for different reasons, deserve mercy.
One moment in time can change your life forever. I was driving home from work. I was a street away from my house, when I hit a pedestrian in the turning lane. It’s been two and a half years. It still haunts me.
Hi Sandy – Wow – it’s true – just one second in time is all it takes. I am so sorry for this death – and all the pain it has caused. I hope you have pursued psychotherapy – it is a lifesaver for a lot of people. And please know that our monthly meetings are open to all – and it can be very comforting knowing that we’re not the only ones who have done this. Grief shared is grief lessened. I hope you’ve had a chance to peruse the website as well – there’s quite a compendium of… Read more »
I’m so grateful to find this website. I’m based in the UK, but stumbled across this page by chance during desperate searching trying to find support, whilst wondering if I deserved it. Three years ago I was driving on an unfamiliar road when I missed a stop sign. I wasn’t speeding, nor had I been drinking, I just simply did not see it. I collided with a motorcyclist who was thrown approximately 100 metres from the crash site and died at the scene. I was charged with ‘causing death by careless driving’ (I’m not sure if there is an equivalent… Read more »
Hi Rebecca! Great to hear from you – and Yes! Our monthly support group includes a number of people from the UK – including England and Scotland. It will be late for you but hopefully not too bad – 5p EST. Thank you so much for sharing details of your accident. And like you, no matter how many times or how many people tell me ‘it was just an accident’ – for those of us involved, we can’t begin to shun responsibility. I am hoping you’ve found a good therapist to give you advice on how to deal with these… Read more »
Hi Rebecca, I’m based in the UK too and have a similar story. I was crossing a B road when a motorbike hit me from the right. He died at the scene. After a year long police investigation, I was charged with causing death by careless driving. Fortunately the court case was dropped 3 weeks before it was due to start. However that doesn’t stop my brain from knowing someone died at the hands of my wheel, even though it was an accident, there are so many emotions that come with that. I want something good to come out of… Read more »
Hi Rebecca,
My father died on a motorcycle when I was 7 in a terrible car accident. I often think about the driver that hit my dad and hope that he doesn’t let the guilt eat away at him. He didn’t mean for it to happen and I hope he knows that I’ve never felt ill will toward him. I can only imagine how you and he might feel. I’m sorry for how much you are hurting. Good luck on your journey to find peace.
Thank you for this. This is the one thing I’ve always longed for in my situation. I want her family to know how sorry I am. I always wonder what they think of me. Do they hate me? Would they be open to meeting with me if the situation presented itself? etc.
Your situation is very similar to mine. In 1998 I was driving and was looking ahead for where i had to turn. I missed the stop sign and collided with another car. That driver, unfortunately passed from her injuries. I too was charged with Vehicular Manslaughter. I had a pretty sympathetic prosecutor who agreed to let me plead No contest in exchange for no jail time. I was also suspended from driving for a period of time. Nobody can really understand what we’re dealing with, unless they’ve been through it. It’s been 23 years for me, and my life is… Read more »
I had my license for 2 months and was driving home from school when an 8th grader jumped out from a group walking on the shoulder. Med evac and died 7 days later
Hi Mike- Thanks so much for sharing this – I can only imagine how badly you feel – I am hoping you’ve sought out some sort of therapy. When we break an arm or a leg we think nothing of going to the emergency room and getting it taken care of ASAP – And the truth of the matter is that you’ve suffered a severe moral injury: the moral compass inside all of us that tells us it’s wrong to take someone’s life – has been violated – and it needs just as much care as any broken limb. You… Read more »
I’m so glad to find this site. I’ve felt so alone.
Sandu! Welcome! You are not alone – This site gets an average of 100 unique hits a day – and when something like the Alec Baldwin story gets in the news, the hits are 10x’s that amount. Why? Because there are a lot of accidents out there – many are not fatal but all of them are life-changing and tragic. 30,000 people a year are killed by someone else, on accident. That’s a lot of lives affected – especially when we add in the friends and family of the deceased. But, like you expressed in your comment – most people… Read more »
Sept 6th last month. I was headed to work at 5am.i hit a pedestrian on the service road of main highway. He passed on scene. What makes me more heartbroken is my cousin passed from a hit an run about 2 months before. Telling myself how can someone do that just leave her to die. And then it happens to me. It was dark and didnt see him. Staying close to my God is only thing keeping my mind together. Id never ever in my life would want to hurt anyone.
Danila – Thank you for your heartfelt story! I can’t imagine how painful and tragic this is for you. I think you’re wise to seek solace in your faith. It has been proven to help folk get better, to bounce back faster, and to find new ways to cope with life. If you haven’t already sought a professional therapist I can’t stress this enough. We’re quick to go see doctors when we suffer physical trauma – but what about our spiritual health? You have witnessed something horrific. Your mind has taken pictures of this – and your memory has it… Read more »
.Thank you for ur advice and access to speak with others
Hello. My name is Helen and a year ago I made a massive error of judgement to do with Covid. I didn’t isolate my little girl as I was told to. We stayed at home but I didn’t protect my other daughter, my husband or myself within the home and we all got the virus. My husband and little one recovered but my other daughter and I have been severely affected in different ways – in life-changing ways. It has decimated our lives because of one impulsive, rash decision. A mother is supposed to protect her children. I have replayed… Read more »
On October 6, 2010, I had an epileptic seizure and lost consciousness. While I was passed out, my car crossed the median and struck a car coming the other way. I injured the woman driving the car and killed an eight year old boy in the back seat. Even though it wasn’t my fault (I was taking my epilepsy meds at the time), I have never forgiven myself.
Andrew – Thank you so much for sharing this – and I am so sorry that you have not been able to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is such a big issue – and so difficult with something of such magnitude. I always suggest people find a good therapist to help equip them with the proper tools to live as healthy as possible. Also, I suggest our monthly meetings – they’re 90 minutes and you can come anonymously if you like. You can find details for that elsewhere on the site. And on this site you can also find other resources –… Read more »
Hi. I hit and killed a pedestrian who was crossing the freeway. She came through my windshield and nearly killed me too. There was nothing I could have done to avoid it This was almost 13 years ago and I have been looking for someone who has been through the same thing for years.
Hi Mel…I had a very similar situation to yours. A woman ran infront of my car on a freeway onramp. I’m so glad you’ve found this site. I felt desperately alone until I found this group. You’re not alone there is a wonderful community here. If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll consider coming to the monthly zoom fellowships
Hi Mel – Well, you have found what you’re looking for… this website is filled with ‘CADIs’ – (those who Cause Accidental Death or Injury) – and we are bound together by the tragedy of accidental killing – knowing that grief shared is grief lessened: we are better together. I can’t imagine the stickiness of this image Mel – how it stays with you – and how it has been harming you. I hope you have been able to seek and find appropriate counseling to bring you through. Please consider dropping by one of our monthly Zoom meetings – we… Read more »
I can’t sleep. My error in judgment, I believe was the final straw that hastened my father’s death just days ago. It was poor decision in treatment and I was not his doctor. I have tremendous regret, guilt and fear of others judgements on this. I wish I could turn back time.
First, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It is truly awful to be in this position, as everyone here knows.
While there is no guarantee how the cyclist and family may react, I believe that most people appreciate the demonstration of genuine concern in these situations. It can help quell festering anger and bring some small relief to know that you weren’t negligent, drunk or speeding, but it was truly an accident.
Wishing you well through this process.
Hi Allen, I was in a very similar experience in early June (an accident with a cyclist in which I didn’t know (and still don’t know to this day) many details about their injuries aside from them needing to be sent to the hospital in an ambulance. I also am a cyclist and I had/still have many similar feelings of immense shame, embarrassment, and self doubt. I doubt I have answers for you, but had to comment when I saw your post to let you know that you are not alone in your experience. I was advised by attorneys through… Read more »
My name is Dannie. In November of 2020, on the 22nd, I was trying to save my friend from being beaten to death, and ended up shooting the man who was hurting him, resulting in his death. The anniversary is coming up, and I am lost as to how to deal with it. I haven’t told anyone else as to my emotions dealing with it, and I don’t think I can. I wonder if visiting and paying respects at his grave is a bad idea, because of what I did. I would have went to his funeral, but I was… Read more »
Hey Dannie,
Im sorry you are going through this. I’m sure it’s very hard. I think there is nothing wrong in visiting his grave. Finding a way to feel connected may help you come to some level of peace with what happened.
Hi Dannie- Thank you so much for sharing this. It is so important to tell others about things like this. The 12-steppers have a saying ‘We’re only as sick as our secrets’ meaning that when we hide things like this they fester and make things worse. I would highly recommend regular counseling with a reputable therapist to give you the language and a strategy to get through this. Think of it as breaking your leg. Sure, you can go on living and limping, but isn’t it better to go to the hospital to get it properly treated? From what you… Read more »
I joined the fellowship group today and was glad I did. I met some people who were very kind and understanding. Tomorrow is one month since my accident. I was driving through an intersection at night (I had no stop sign) when a bicyclist, who had sped down the hill, ran the stop sign, right in front of my van. I could not have avoided the collision, and the bicyclist I found out later did not survive. I also found out a few days afterwards that he was a 32 year old man who was mentally disabled- he had the… Read more »
I will share my story now. On August 20, I was traveling at night on a quiet residential narrow street and was starting through an intersection. I did not have a stop sign. The street that intersected did have a stop sign. In the southern direction the intersecting street is downhill to the intersection. All of a sudden as I was just into the intersection a bicyclist sped through the stop sign after cruising down the hill and rode right in front of my van. I could not have avoided the collision. The bicyclist was thrown in the direction we… Read more »
I had an accident with a motorcyclist that died. I truly feel like it was not either of our faults it was just a bad area of road and we were both in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am coming up on a year since in a little over a month and lately I have been super down. I’ve had good days and bad days since the accident but now I really hate myself. I see the other driver in my head every day. I feel like I stole whatever chance he had at life and he… Read more »
Hi Jami- OMG – I am so sorry for what you’re experiencing – Yes, though, you are in good company. I did the same thing you did. Most of the people on this sight did too. It regularly affects us all. So yes, grief shared is grief lessened. So let me invite you to our monthly Fellowship meetings and to look at the ‘expressive writing’ group and the Peer Support offering. Also, I am so sorry you hate yourself. I’m sure, like everybody else, you are tempted to define yourself by your worst moment. But this is not fair. Because… Read more »
Thank you I think I will join into the next zoom meeting in september.
Hi Jami,
My accident was like your own – a 50/50 deal in terms of responsibility. Time takes care of some of it. But the thing that has helped me the most is to remember that my suffering doesn’t bring the person back. It doesn’t solve anything. If you feel overwhelmed by guilt and shame, be a volunteer somewhere. I did the age thing, too. I am 25 years older than the man who died in our accident. And that doesn’t do any good either. Be the best person you can be.
Hi all, it’s crazy how life can just change in a moment. I had made plans to visit a friend whom I’ve known for a few years. It was a lovely evening and his amazing mom even cooked us beautiful pizza. It was after a few days that we realised I may have given my friend Covid. Looking back I remember having brief moments of coughing while I was there but I’ve always had a smokers cough so nothing was seen as unusual at the time. My friend unfortunately passed it onto his mom who ended up in ICU and… Read more »
Hi Darren – Thank you so much for putting into words what thousands of people, if not more, are going through as we make our way through this pandemic. And this is a key point as we journey through life as accidental killers – that we are not alone – at all – many, many people are trying to cope with the unfortunate and unintentional acts we have committed. So please know that not only are you among many, many people who have done the same thing – but the vast majority of these people have been able to cope,… Read more »
Darren, you are not alone in the feelings of guilt in most likely passing Covid to another. I am so sorry you are going through this, too. In my case, I had a headache for a few hours, one day,and a few hours of feeling really tired and achy after shopping in December. I thought nothing of it. Then when I couldn’t taste, I got tested, positive. Husband negative. But days later, he skipped respiratory symptoms and just felt terrible. Turned away from ER 2x . When they finally took him, he died in 5 days of Covid pneumonia. Of… Read more »
My name is Joe in 2012 I was putting my gun down in my truck and it went off killing my son of 7 years old in seconds and see his eyes all the time
Dear Joe,
I’m so sorry to hear about the tragic death of your son. I expect you are experiencing post-traumatic stress on top of your feelings of guilt and grief. This is so much to bear; I recommend that you seek psychotherapy to help you cope and manage. Over time, you will find a way to honor your son’s memory and in that you will find a measure of peace. I wish you strength and send you solace.
-Maryann
Hi Joe- Wow – What a cross to bear. I can’t imagine the burden you’ve been carrying – The good news about this site and the people on it is that we are all still here after committing similar acts. I accidentally killed a friend and employee in a freak accident in my home. I had to lower his body to the ground and give him ‘last rites’ (I am a minister) and the look in his eyes still haunts me. So when we talk about living another day after committing such tragic acts, this is not complete healing –… Read more »
My heart goes out to you. I was the driver of a fatal car accident that killed my fiancee. The loss is immeasurable.
Love and prayers to you. You did not mean to do this. You had a moment that changed your life, and a complete accident. I made an inappropriate medical treatment judgment that took my father’s life. It was not a moment, it was stupidity and lethal to him. I thought I was trying to help, later realizing I followed the wrong advice, still following it even more wrongly, and I offered him an inappropriate treatment.
I have children too.
God bless you, your family and your healing.
A year and a half ago, a very drunk man walked in front of my car on a darkened road as I was returning from the gym at around 6:30 pm. He went through the windshield and died an hour later at the ER. I was cleared of any responsibility, but I remain constantly haunted by the event, and the knowledge that my actions, however, unintended, resulted in the death of another human being. I’ve sought counseling, but I feel that there’s now a permanent cloud over me.
Hey Sam – What a tragedy – what pain you carry – what a haunting, haunting incident. Whether or not police, parents, friends, or ‘the public’ ever ‘clear’ you of responsibility – this has absolutely no bearing on our own ability to ‘clear’ ourselves. As humans, part of our make up includes compassion and empathy. A by-product of that is that we routinely feel responsible for things that are unquestionably out of our ‘fault’ range. Just put yourself in the drivers’ seat regarding your own issue here: if your friend came to you and described the events you just described,… Read more »
Sam,
I had a very, very similar accident as you. I remeber talking about it with my mom and telling her I felt as if I had a “dark cloud hovering over me” or a “mark that I couldn’t erase.” I feel for you and I just want you to know that it has been 3 years since my accident and that cloud will go away, with time. Don’t let it control your life.
-Heidi
The exact same thing happened to me.
I’m so grateful I found this group… It’s been almost 12 years since I accidentally started a fire that resulted in the death of my father… It was due to my carelessness and act of negligence and I was also charged with negligent manslaughter and did almost 9 years… I can’t believe some days I thought I dealt with the pain of losing him I was an only child and he was my best friend, I’m in my mom had been married 31 years at the time, but I feel like the pain is only just beginning.. it’s affecting my… Read more »
Sarah- So sorry for what you are going through. I sympathize. I have terrible anxiety about everything since my accident 3+ hrs ago. I’m glad you can find comfort in knowing that people here do understand.
Sarah! Thank you so much for opening up and sharing. It is SO important people who’ve gone through what we’ve gone through give voice to our feelings. A therapist I know once said that emotions like this never go away – that some how, some way, they find a way out – and the way you have chosen is the most healthy. There is no question that self-forgiveness like what you’re describing is a huge, huge deal. I have found that it’s not a case of finding an answer and you’re done – but by day by day, even moment… Read more »
I’m not sure if I’m on the right side for this, but I’m hoping I’m welcome.
About 3 years ago, I accidentally burned down a 48 unit condo complex. I am sick about it. I was distracted, and put a cigarette out in a potted plant. It smoldered for 4 hours and caught the fertilizer and soil on fire. It destroyed 48 units. No deaths, but on site, someone said, “Look at what you did!” I can never forget that moment. The shame I feel is awful. Am I able to join your group?
Hi Theresa—Absolutely, this is the place. My ‘victim’ didn’t die either, but the guilt of harming someone and knowing that I could have killed someone is still something to grapple with. I hope coming to this site helps you feel supported. People here do understand.
Hi Theresa – Thanks so much for sharing this story – The shame, guilt, embarrassment, and regret you feel certainly parallel what the accidental killers in this group feel – and even though no one died in your accident I think the group would be good for you – and of course, you are warmly welcome! I agree with you – it’s the dealing with the shame that’s so tough – it’s that nasty recording device that only seems to play back criticisms not compliments. And as you probably know, there are healthy strategies out there to help us get… Read more »
I found this support group 17 years late. I accidentally killed my girlfriend on 9/4/04. I made a mistake driving and we ended up in a head on t bone accident in San Luis Obispo. I remember hearing broken glass and the sound of bending metal. I remember seeing my girlfriend’s body and then being pulled out of the window side by bystanders. From then I blacked out numerous times. Her family didn’t press charges, and still welcome me when I can visit (usually I’d visit them and her at the cemetery yearly). We were heading back home from the… Read more »
Hi Marc – Thanks for being brave enough to vent here. Thanks for being courageous enough to continue the battle toward wellness. Thanks for being a role model to the rest of us who just want to throw in the towel. What we do when we accidentally take a life is enter into a world of self-harm – by the thoughts of blame, guilt, shame, and embarrassment that just don’t stop. We fight off lies about our self-worth and what our future will look like. The fact is that your resiliency keeps you alive to see another day, to help… Read more »
Chris, your warm words of support to people leaving posts are a great comfort- certainly to the persons who posted – but i know also to the others who look at this site. Not meaning to pry but I’m curious about your own story – is there any site or page where you’ve talked about it?
Hey Tom – No worries, you’re not prying! I have not written extensively about my accidental killing – it involved negligence and a civil suit around a garage door I put in on the cheap at my home – and ended up killing my good friend and gardener, very tragic and getting sued was the least I could do (and pay out damages) for such a stupid mistake. Like most of us – it’s a terrible feeling that comes and goes but never leaves. I miss Kenny and the work done to help others through Accidental Impacts is a small… Read more »
Thanks Tom for asking and thanks Chris for answering. I was kinda wondering too. So sorry for your loss. Think I found this site around 2008 or so. I do have a short personal story about my car accident which claimed the life of my best friend of 30 yrs. Also a book I wrote about my experience. Things I went threw and learned. Things and people that helped. I fictionalized it to protect the innocent but the accident, process I had to go through, legal procedures and consequences and my emotions are all true. was listed under things to… Read more »
Marc,
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you’ve been through. You’ve suffered enough for this very human mistake that resulted in so much tragedy. Truly, you have suffered enough. I hope you find peace. You deserve it. I promise you, you deserve it.
It’s been 6 years since I accidentally killed my daughter. I forgot to put the handbrake on in my car which led to it running over me with my daughter in my arms. I had minor wounds and she died. It’s really helpful to hear others stories, I have always grappled with the heaviness of wanting to be open about her death in that it was an accident, it was caused by my actions. And I was her caregiver, she was an barely a toddler and so reliant on me. I know this is a really heavy thing to talk… Read more »
Hanako – What beautiful words! It’s really inspiring to see how you are so genuine in your pain yet so determined in your hope. Like you, my accident killed someone. And no matter how many people say ‘Get over it, it was clearly not intentional’ the feelings of guilt just don’t go away. What I do arrive at though is that accidents like yours and mine HAPPEN ALL THE TIME. There are 40,000 people who die every year due to accident. Sometimes I like to think that if there are 40,000 accidental killers each year, 40,000 people who have to… Read more »
Hanako,
What an amazingly insightful person you are. There is so much clarity in your thoughts…and so much hope. Thank you so much for sharing this.