Coping with Causing a Serious Accident
A Site for Information, Support, and Healing
Who We Are
We are good people who have unintentionally harmed others, in accidents occurring on the roads, at work, at play, or around the home. I call us CADI’s (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). Most of us feel grief, guilt, and distress about our accidents. Over time, we learn that our mistake does not have to define us.
Who I am
I am a social psychologist and educator. I am also a CADI, as a result of an accident in which an 8-year old boy ran in front of my car and was killed. I have been talking with and writing about CADIs for over ten years.
Highlights
There is no easy path to peace. Each of us must find our own way through this dark night of the soul. Although we cannot change what happened, we can control how we respond. I believe that CADI’s face three challenges:
- Coping with emotional distress;
- Wrestling with responsibility and with moral injury;
- Honoring our experience, and those we harmed, by becoming better, stronger people. In this, we find hope and growth.
In this site, I share information and resources that may be helpful to you. I encourage you to share your ideas and experience. You can write me privately here, or add your comments so that other readers can benefit from your input.
My friend and I were going to a hotel party. It was our mutual friends birthday. I had my swimsuit on underneath my clothing. I was wearing black canvas shoes. It was icy and snowy on the sidewalk but not the roads. I thought I would slip on my way to the car. She picked me up and I threw my backpack into the back seat. I saw her little back pack and her towel there too. She asked me which way she should go because if she went one way she would have to make a U turn, if… Read more »
Driving under influence, crashed into the pavement and spun out at 30 MPH on a corner around 3AM. I was arrested within 5 minutes as I was driving through a high street and if this was happened at 3PM, it would’ve been worse. From now on, I will always ensure I take a extra precaution driving anywhere at any time in any weather. Fined and banned a lesson well taught.
Very interesting to hear the other side of the story. I was crossing the road on a pedestrian crossing in broad daylight on a straight road with a 20 mph limit, in white coat and hat. An 80 year old drove his car straight into me, he just didn’t see me. I was in hospital for 2 weeks, walking with a stick for a year, and had PTSD. I now take antidepressants. And for all this he was fined £120. I have been angry with him ever since, it was 2 years ago. I never thought before that he may… Read more »
In 1981 my Dad stopped his car to help a girl who had fallen off her moped. Whilst helping her they were hit by a chap on his motorcycle, who had inadvertently broken a simple double white line to overtake a queue of traffic. As an 11 year old, clearly it had a massive effect on my life. Do I blame him? Never. That could be me. I just remind myself of all the positives that will have happened because of it. Butterfly effect? Maybe. I miss him. But perhaps his death stopped something worse. I since heard that the… Read more »
Hi, i found your story really interesting. I was a child that did exactly what Brien had done. I came from a poor estate were we did not really have cars. When my friends grandma offered to take me with them-to the school fate, i was soooooo excited. We felt so grown up we walked the route in front of the rest of the family in our own little world skipping along laughing. Finally the route met a road full of cars speeding past, anxious to show my fear, and not really shaw how to cross a busy road, i… Read more »
In 1987, I was involved in a fatal car accident in which an elderly woman died. It wasn’t my fault. Actually, it was shown at the inquest that the woman was up to no good and had been thieving. Gradually, I managed to come to terms with what happened. It’s now over 30 years ago. But what makes me annoyed is other people, who have no idea what they’re talking about passing judgement on the issue. I’ve found that some people who don’t like me anyway will use the accident to cause further grief. There’s also the casual gossips as… Read more »
I worked as a nurse. I was burnt out and tired. A patient of mine came to the clinic sweating, pale, and out of breathe. I asked him if I could call him an ambulance. He said no, just give me my meds. So I did. The next day I found out he had died shortly after leaving the clinic. If I had paid more attention, been more firm, hadn’t been so burnt out I could have saved him. But I didn’t. I don’t know how I can live with myself, when I was suppose to be helping people, not… Read more »
Dear Hannah I can really empathise with your story, I understand your guilt and shame cos I feel it too. I was a nurse and made a dreadful error resulting in the death of a little girl who I loved. The words of Edith Egar in her book ‘The Choice’ have helped me so much …”how easily we are seduced by the fantasy that we were in control … how easily we cling to -worship- the choices we could or should have made. Could I have saved her/him? Maybe. And I will live for all the rest of my life… Read more »
On a beautiful Autumn day in 1987, my husband of four years was riding his bike through a busy intersection in a small mid-western town when he was hit by a car. He died of chest injuries several hours later in surgery at the age of 29. It changed the course of my life and the life of his family and our friends too. Many of us used the loss we felt to make important changes in our own lives. We thought, if his life could be cut short unexpectedly, then why should we wait to do something brave, to… Read more »
Hi I am Cheyanne. I’m 16 years old and was in a horrible accident last week. My boyfriend got me a pellet gun for our 1 year anniversary and I was trying to scope the gun so I was shooting at a tree that had a target on it. I shoot with one eye closed and one eye looking through the scope. His little brother and my boyfriend was off the porch while I was on the porch with one of my boyfriends friends. So my boyfriend was supposed to be watching his little brother while I’m as scoping the… Read more »
Hi Cheyanne – first of all I want to say I’m so sorry that this happened. You must be in so much pain right now. I don’t believe we have all the answers in this life but what happened was a horrible accident so I hope you will forgive yourself one day. Sometimes life is just random and hard. Remember also that there were other reasons for the death besides your action. No one was watching him, he ran out without looking and the ambulance took way too long to arrive. All of these factors combined together with the gun… Read more »
I can only imagine the grief you are experiencing. When you take a life unintentionally, there are no words for that. The best advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time. Express your grief and be there for his family in any way you can. Right now you have to focus on your unborn child and what direction you want your life to take. Life is incredibly fragile as anyone who has ever been a CADI is so blatantly aware of. You need to stay around those who love you and you need counselling.… Read more »
How does one ever really forgive themselves and move on, My incident happened over a year ago and I still think about it daily. I now even take medication because of it.
My daughter accidentally caused the death of a bicyclist. She was driving in our neighborhood and came down a hill and he was coming down another hill. He swerved to avoid her and crashed. She stopped to see if he was ok and he said he thought he broke his neck and couldn’t move. She called 911 and stayed with him. He died 5 days later from his injuries . She was a senior in high school and finished the year home bound. He was a beloved college professor and the accident was on the news and in the papers… Read more »
Hi all. My name is Rachel and I’m 19 years old. My mom found this website for me. I’ve generally been through a lot in life already, and it’s definitely made me wiser and stronger. However, I tend to find myself questioning God right now because I feel so defeated over this which is the last thing I want to do. My faith is everything to me but this is so, so hard. This accident happened to me in Oct. of 2019. I was at an intersection stopped trying to turn left with a yield green light, there was a… Read more »
Rachel, I hope you’re doing ok. Our experiences do sound similar. When I hit the motorcycle, or rather I pulled in front of him and he hit me, he was thrown quite a distance. At first I didn’t know where he was, I thought he was under my car. He had gone across my windshield and all I saw by my car were his bike and his shoes. I could hardly get out of the car because the bike was in the way and I was terrified to go to him. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t find… Read more »
hello, First week of December around almost midnight myself and sister were driving to get some fast food. I was driving down a dark road and there was no cars around me or on the other side of the road. Out of nowhere a person was in the street and I hit them. Coming down the street the road was clear I truly didn’t see anyone in the street. It wasn’t in a crosswalk. The car is all black with dark tints. Once I hit them I immediately stopped and my body went into shock because I couldn’t believe what… Read more »
Tyree,
This is such an awful thing to experience so young. I’m not so young and it’s still awful. Hopefully You can find a therapist to work with. I don’t think this is something to get through without some professional help. I don’t know how to contact you, so you can reach me at ruthannie825@gmail.com. I hope things are better than a month ago.
Hello I’m so happy my friend sent this site to me.
Last Saturday I was in a accident in Delaware around 1:40am. I was driving on 95 and thought I saw something in the road. What I thought was a deer was a woman walking in the middle Lane. I hit her going 60 killing her on impact. Now I’m really going through it mentelly…need help seriously.
I am relieved to find this site. Two weeks ago I was on my way to work very early in the dark. I collided with a man on a motorcycle. He died last week. I am all over the place emotionally and trying to hold it together. I’ll be fine for a little while and function like normal at work, but once my mind isn’t engaged elsewhere it’s all I think about. The man had a child and one on the way. My husband won’t listen to me say anything about feeling guilty or to blame, he just gets angry.… Read more »
I’m so sorry your going through this. I know exactly what your feeling because I was out in your same position a few weeks ago. If it would be any help to you , maybe we could exchange numbers and talk about both of our situations to help each other cope.
Hi Ruthanne. I had a situation very similar to yours that I just posted. I feel less lonely reading your story. I hope you are recovering and doing well.
When I was 22 I was involved in a hunting accident where a 14 year old son of a friend was shot and killed. I was not the guy with the gun, but I did make decisions that contributed to the kids being in the wrong place. I am not 38 and have been through 2 marriages. The last to a women who is s paranoid schizophrenic. This has meant she is not allowed to see our daughter, and I’m a full time Dad to 2 kids, working full time. I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression and I’m really… Read more »
Jay,
I’ve been through similar. And had a break down from it . I know your pain . In a lot of ways it has made me a better person I’m not so quick to point fingers at people .
Jay,
What if this happened to one of your best friends . What would you tell him or her?
Why would you not tell your self the same thing ?
22 years ago, I was 20, I was the driver in a drunk driving accident that killed my best friend. Not only were we best friends, but our families had also been long time friends. I became the town pariah. I immediately became “that guy”, the villain in everyone’s movie. On a few occasions different people said to me, “oh you’re the one who killed that boy”. I eventually moved away and except for 3 times never talked about it. The 3 times I had was because I had been in relationships and had to explain my, at the least,… Read more »
Hey Jay. I hear you man. I’ve had guilt, shame and self hate for a long time too. We’re about the same age and things happened to us around the same time. It can be debilitating and isolating like you’re saying. I’m glad we found this site though and you took a step towards getting things off your chest by writing this. It seems like there might be some more things to do that would ease some more of the pain. The only thing I would question is your statement that since you’re not the victim that you don’t deserve… Read more »
My name is Will, I am responsible for the death of a dear friend. I have suffered from alcohol/substance abuse from the age of 14. When I was 19 years old, under the influence of drugs and alcohol, I accidentally shot and killed my friend as we were playing with a gun. He was only 16, and had just had a baby. To make things worse, I tried to protect myself by lying, as did others who were there when it happened. I was soon arrested and charged with second degree murder. I was eventually sentenced to 8 years in… Read more »
I agree opening up and talking is the best thing to do to heal your pain
There is a study about to start at the university of Minnesota where they administer psylociben (psychadelic mushrooms) to people who have had traumatizing experiences to study the therapeutic affects. I think these experiences can be traumatizing but I believe they are mostly very intense and very helpful. Interesting
5 months ago, I pulled in front of a car, the guy driving the other car was ok. I busted a leg banged My head good. My passenger was killed, he was my uncle, he and I were vietnam vets same time same place, we both are service connected PTSD vets. There was pot and beer in my car, the charges are bad, really bad. 8 charges 3 felonies. I could give a shit actually. My injury is not my leg and it feels too severe, it is mortal/fatal and it’s gotten way worse instead of better, I’ve got kids… Read more »
Larry, I believe you 1st need to find a way in your heart to forgive yourself.
I’ve hidden this accident from my new BF. Is this something I have to tell him? I feel incredible shame because of it… but I also feel like Im keeping secrets from him as well and dont know if he has a right to know, or if I have a right to keep it to myself?
I have so far never had a CADI incident before, so take my advice for what’s worth, your bf might not understand the pain your going through right now, or he might, i feel like only you can answer that question. just know whatever you do you have this community and me who dont see you as a bad person.
I’ve had the same issue with telling potential partners . I have found that people understand and respect that I trusted them with it .
Regards
I am a 63 year old woman. Two days ago, I ran a stop sign and hit a car with a family with two very young children. I was looking for an address and distracted. Thankfully, everyone survived without major injury but the image of those young parents frantically trying to get their children extracted from their mangled vehicle is haunting me constantly. I pray thanksgiving to the Lord over and over that they survived but the thought that I could have killed this sweet family is overwhelming.
My boyfriend was almost killed by an Uber driver – the driver hit him while distracted by the Uber app on his phone. He had a brain bleed, and he was in ICU for a while, but he mostly recovered. We know it was an accident and we don’t bear the driver any ill will. Should we contact the driver and tell him that? We’re worried about hurting him.
I think that would be a nice thing to do. I’m sure they would appreciate it. I really hope you guys end up okay.
From my own experience involving a fatal accident, to hear from you that you hold no blame for him, would definately help his recovery.
I’m not sure that I will be able to join the group due to the fact that it was my husband who accidentally hit a pedestrian, and she died 4 days later. I am having a hard time finding any information online to help my husband through this. He is constantly filled with guilt and blame, and many other things I’m sure. He doesn’t talk very much and just zones out, so I usually just give him space. I am hoping I can get advice from others on how to help him through this
I am so sorry. This happened to my husband a few years ago. Looking back, I think counselling was the best thing my husband did. Do try to look after you and find yourself support too; I found that the first rule of caring and helping someone else is to look after the carer which is you. Be kind to yourselves.
How does a friend and work supervisor participate in this support for a mechanic that has worked for me for twenty plus years?
To the tune of At Seventeen by Janis Ian My life was changed at 17, in ways that could not be foreseen, Carefree youth came to an end, hidden deep from all my friends The laughter and the good time had, covered for a soul so sad, In years ahead i’d come to know, at 17 my life was changed. It appeared to all with smiling faces, I was only going through the paces, Inside of me was total shock, if i’d only had the chance to talk. Someone please come rescue me, and save me from my deep despair,… Read more »
Hello. I am skeptically optimistic about writing here. My accident was over 20 years ago in which I went through a yellow light and did not see the Mac truck coming. Three people in my car passed. One of my best friends, another friend and someone to whom I was just giving a ride and did not know. I’ve thought everything I could think about this accident and myself, Ive been diagnosed with PTSD and live with that but please don’t take that as a complaint. I don’t know what I’m looking for here but I’m just taking the first… Read more »
Mae, thank you for sharing your story. I have come to strongly dislike the sentiment stated from family or friends “I understand “, so I’m not going to say that to you. I will say I’ve been through a very similar experience and it has haunted me for 30+ years. I share in your pain and if you’re like me, the pain has helped me to feel connected to the precious life that was lost. He died because of my actions, even if it was a horrible accident. Hanging onto pain may seem self destructive, but it’s a part of… Read more »
Hello Mae, so very sorry for the awful pain You endure. I was the driver of a fatal accident that claimed the life of my best friend, in which we had been drinking. I was charged with vehicular manslaughter. So along with my great sorrow, grief, shame, turmoil and regret, my sentence could have held up to 7 yrs. Now I was consumed with terror that I’d go to prison. My husband was an over the rd trucker and had to be gone for 2 and 3 weeks at a time. We had 2 boys, 1 was 6 the other… Read more »
Dear All, I found this website while looking for a way how to help my father. He caused a car accident resulting in the death of my grandma – his mother. He blames himself, he asks “what kind of son am I?” I said he got distracted and suddenly he found himself in the opposite line and crashed into another car. They, luckily, got out with just light injuries (it was a small van). I’m obviously very sad and in grief for my grandma. But I’m also worried about my dad. He had a heart attack a few years back. The… Read more »
Hello my name is Katie , and my dad is a CADI ,he over corrected and rolled his car, killing my uncle in the passenger seat. I don’t know how to help him emotionally. And I was wondering if any of you guys had any suggestions on how I can help him. He blames himself (granted he was DD) and I don’t know how to ease the guilt. Any suggestions????
I’ve got one that’s a little left field. Does this site include “psychological accidental death”? An ex who I was super close with recently committed suicide and I feel hugely responsible. She had a devastating divorce, domestic violence was involved, she reached out to me for help. I spent the next 3 years helping her on and off as she was severely depressed, Id always cared for her very deeply but for situations out of our control we were unable to be together, I was married and did not want to give that up, but it got to the point… Read more »
Hey Joe. Just letting you know that I read this and feel for you. Such a difficult situation. The loss for someone you cared about in-and-of-itself is difficult enough. I think maybe if you could separate those two things (1. the loss of a friend you loved and 2. any guilt over your supposed involvement) it would be a great place to start. Honoring and mourning her death seems healthy. She struggled in life and you knew her well and had love for her and she passed away. That’s one thing. But from an outsiders perspective, even though relationships are… Read more »
Has anyone ever contacted the family of the victim many years after the accident? Every day I wake up thinking about the man I accidentally killed (30 years ago) and his widow. I would like to apologize to her again and let her know that I have not forgotten. During my trial she was extremely ‘positive’, understood that it was an accident and pleaded for leniency for me.
I did a few years ago. It was about 17 years after my accident. I reached out to one of the children of the father I accidentally killed in a car/motorcycle accident. The daughter I sent a letter to (typed and signed snail mail) didn’t respond. But her younger sister, now a grown young woman, responded to me via email in a very positive and forgiving manner. I almost instantly felt a lot of the weight lift off my chest. I still feel guilt/shame and deal with repurcussions of living so many years with it, but it is much more… Read more »
I first came across this website years ago. It helped me so much to know there were other people who went through something similar to me. I accidentally shot and killed my best friend when I was 23 years old. I am 42 now. I went on trial for murder and was subsequently acquitted. I went back in the military and tried to give my life in Iraq to make amends. I punished myself for years. How could I possibly deserve to enjoy life after what I had done? Through years of therapy, ayahuasca one time, vulnerability, personal growth seminars,… Read more »
Hi. I too 5 years ago accidentally shot and killed my niece. I went through a very similar situation (if not exact). Over the past 5 years I have worked so hard to try and get my life together. I started a new job about a year ago and have been doing well for myself. Then yesterday happened. I knew it may someday, but someone at work googled me and found my arrest and showed it to all the other employees. I’m having a hard time…I’m not even sure if I should go back to work. I feel ashamed, lost,… Read more »
Tina,
Be strong and go to work . I think most wont even bring it up. You will soon know who your friends are at work .
Been through the same myself . I drew the line at work I was going .
Regards
Hi Tina,
I hope you went back to work and are working through it. I’m curious how things unfolded. I feel for you in this situation. Any update would be great. Best
Your story is very near my heart and gives me hope that I will one day find peace. I have been through 2 failed marriages since my shooting accident and am struggling to be a full time Dad and not breakdown at the moment.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Im in the army and shot and killed one of my squad members during training by accident 2 years and 7 days ago. I feel like shit about it and wish i wouldnt have been so dumb. I was about to go to jail for manslaughter but my leadership decided i should not be punished given the circumstances. Anyway i got sent to a new unit after the investigation was complete and recently people in my new company started finding out i guess through others that had been there and they learned what happened and honestly it bothers me but… Read more »
Help please! I am not a CADI myself, but 5 days ago my 80 year old grandfather accidentally ran over my 83 year old grandmother in their driveway. She died later that night. I am dealing with my own grief, yes, and it is very intense, but I’m here at this site for him. My heart breaks for him and his grief and guilt scare me so much that I have yet to talk to him. I guess I’m on the internet looking for the words to say. I love him dearly. Not only did he accidentally kill someone, it… Read more »
This story starts off and makes more sense with some previous information and context. I had an abusive father who became a father at the age of 19 and for years even to this day since my parents have been divorced, he has been both emotionally and physically abusive to my mother and I (strangely, not my sister,;but he is still toxic.) A couple months ago (5 to be exact), I just turned seventeen and I had always been a conscious and slightly paranoid driver (I am afraid intensely of what could happen or things that aren’t familiar.) I had… Read more »
Hi, folks. Sixteen years ago I was involved in an accidental killing at the age of 18. As the driver of the vehicle who struck a pedestrian, I have struggled to find the proper outlet. I am also an author, and am in the process of telling my story, as well as diving into the world of accidental killers; the guilt we live with, and how we can cope. I would very much be interested in speaking to people here on the forum for my book. If you’re willing to speak with me, please email me at jgunderson85@gmail.com. Your story/experience… Read more »
Two years ago I was invoked in a vehicle accident and the driver of the vehicle had passed. I struggle daily to move forward and come to terms I was not 100% at fault. I feel like those around me don’t understand the impact it’s had on me emotionally and physically.
I’m hoping to find a few people that can give advice on how to move on.
I understand, I’m going thru it too. I have good days and bad, I think of the accident and man passing everyday. Nicole, it was an accident. I don’t have any magic answers for you but keep your chin up and just push on. I don’t mean forget about it I don’t think any of us in this situation will ever forget it I mean we just have to push on and handle everything day by day. It’s been 2.5 weeks for me and not a day goes by I don’t think about it. I wish a thousand times over… Read more »
Hi Jason, please share your email address
Hi Nicole – I am so sorry you have gone through this. And like many people on this site, I too did the same thing. Please know that there are a lot of people in this situation who have been able to move through it – which means you can do. While we have never met, I would bet that you have faced some pretty serious sh** in your life and made it through – with the people who are encouraging you here and with your higher power – I bet you can do this too. It’s not easy –… Read more »
I am going through the same thoughts. Two years ago I had my accident too. I killed a pedestrian. I think about it everyday. I feel like the people around me don’t understand exactly either. I have good days and bad ones. If you need anyone to talk to I am always available.
Hi Brittany please share your email address
4 days ago I was involved in a auto accident that took a gentleman’s life. I was in a left turn lane and initially had a red, I stopped. Once it turned green I couldn’t go because cars were in intersection blocking my path to the on ramp. Some cars moved up and someone motioned me thru and coming from somewhere was a gentleman on a moped and we hit. I never saw him. I cannot express the sadness and pain I feel. I’m still in disbelief and I can’t believe this happened. I pray for his family and mine.… Read more »
Praying for you!! If you would like to talk…please reply
Today Mark’s one year since I was driving home from Eastern Washington. I had my 5 children in the car and we were on the final leg of our journey. We had just stopped for happy meals and were 1 hour away from home. The normal road was blocked so I decided to take the route it seemed like other traffic was going, maybe a short cut. After 10 minutes of driving we were getting nowhere, I turned around and headed back to the main road to wait for it to open. All of a sudden something crashed into my… Read more »
New here, Been 6 years since my accident.. give me a minute while I put my words together..😔
My name is Chandrakant Raghunathrao Shinde. I am 69 years old. A general medical practitioner. GP. Kolhapur India. On 21/January/2019 at about 8.30pm my mother developed mild tremors of her left upper limb at home. With 40 years in medical practice i knew it was CVA. I also know that in such cases the patient has to be transferred immediately to a hospital. But i did not do so. I kept her at home to see whether the disease progresses. 7am, 22/January/2019 she developed left hemiplegia. I took her to hospital. She was discharged on 01/February/2019, unable to move, bedridden.… Read more »
This is a great sight. I have only been on here for a short while but it has helped me move along with my issue then I have moved in the 48 years since I had a terrible accident.
Two days ago, I was involved in an accident that was completely my fault. I was coming home from work and turning right on a green light. I did not look hard enough when I was turning and I hit a cyclist who was crossing the street. I couldn’t even believe that it happened and reality didn’t seem real in the moment. People were shouting at me calling me a “fucking idiot” and honking like crazy right after it happened. I checked to make sure the man was okay, but the police rushed to the scene and wanted us to… Read more »
I am SO sorry this happened to you. Something like this could have happened to me. I was cleaning and bumped into a low heavy table with metal rims which I had put on its side to clean, while forgetting that the bars were not in the open doorwindows. It fell in the garden where normally a whole family is sitting, and It fell on a point, if they would have been there somebody skull would have been crushed. Strangely no onther neighbour saw it and I could take the object back without anyone knowing or freaking out. But since… Read more »
Tonight, I experienced my first real episode of PTSD. In August of 2018, I was driving home from work at 10 pm and I struck and killed an elderly woman as she was crossing the street. It was dark out and this part of the road was not well lit, she had dementia and often left her house at night to find her missing cat that never existed. Before I knew it, she stepped in the road and my car hit her. I saw her out of the corner of my eye at the very last second, but that didn’t… Read more »
My 23 year old son accidentally shot my 16 year old in my house. I was in the next room when the shot was fired. I took care of my grandson until EMS arrived. My grandson survived and is paralyzed. He is making good progress thank the Lord! Who knows, he may fully recover, he may only partially recover. We are carrying tremendous guilt over this. My son for causing the accident, my husband and I for not securing our guns. All our children and grandchildren know how to handle guns. My grandson will not let us blame ourselves. We… Read more »
Hi there I am from Northern Ireland. I am 42 years old with three great kids and a husband I adore for the last 20 yrs. I buried my dad two weeks ago and yesterday I hit an elderly woman with my car . I was pulling out of a car park onto a main road and one minute there was no one there and the next minute there she was. She was injured still don’t know how badly and I have never felt anything like the shame and guilt I feel…i feel like I’m dying inside. I pray to… Read more »
Bridaine Shannon, it does get better. Day by grueling day. I wonder if you know more about her condition now? It was clearly an accident- I know that sounds so trite, but it is true. You would have never hurt someone on purpose. I send prayers of peace for you during this time of grief for your father. These things happening so close together has to make you feel as if you are losing touch with reality. I know these accidents are so difficult to face, knowing we have hurt others even unintentionally is such a heavy burden on our… Read more »
Hi Jen Thanks for your lovely message. She has lived and not even a broken bone. I’m glad she is ok and I do feel alot better knowing she is going to be ok. I was lucky and so was she and I’m so sorry not everyone gets to feel the relief I felt when I found out she had a few stitches that would heal in time. My shame and guilt like to eat away at me and with every bad thing that has happened since like my 13 yr old needing emergency surgery just feels like a punishment… Read more »
I’m 46 right now and at the time of the incident I was 29. My 5th child was born on the day it happened. I was a bartender for a pretty scummy bar on a rough part of town. I got into fights with people I kicked out and whatnot. One night, a man who I previously fought and embarrassed (I am still ashamed of it), came to the bar with a shotgun. He pointed at my head and I did what I could. I pushed him back and I was going to grab the gun or run. I wasn’t… Read more »
I am writing because I feel like I’m having an odd emotional reaction to my situation and I’m hoping to find others that may have experienced something similar or can help me understand what’s going on. Here’s the unemotional facts of the situation: In Summer of 2018 I was driving home from a bar, and a couple, who was also highly intoxicated, had pulled over on the shoulder of the freeway to switch drivers. The woman, who was the passenger, had her door open and was getting out of her side when I hit the rear corner of their car.… Read more »
I do not think you are selfish. However, you feel is valid & its okay. Everyone deals with trauma differently. I’m no expert but I think the fact that you have perspective on the accident & the other contributing factors is a good thing. My experience is very different from yours. My dog died bcuz I froze when she needed me. She was everything to me & it was traumatic to me. But I need you to know that I am not comparing or pretending I could possibly understand what you are going through. I would crumble. You sound like… Read more »
My 14 yr old son accidentally shot and killed his best friend. I don’t know if it is harder to loose a child in one swift act or to slowly loose one every day. He says he can deal with this on his own, though he is in counseling. The legal issues are still on-going. He is treated horribly in our town and at school. He will not turn to me or anyone. There are no support groups for us and even if there were, not sure he would ever go, how do I help my son? He lost the… Read more »
Hi Donna, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have dome psychological support from professionals but speaking with others who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic. You and/ or your son are more than welcome to join us. Hang in there, mom. Much love to you! -Tree Admin@accidentalcasualties.com
Donna I am so very sorry! Just being there! He is grieving and processing this reality. But you aren’t alone, it feels that way but you aren’t. Search for cases like yours and try to find community. ❤️ Prayers for you all!
I am very sorry, Donna. I don’t know what to say, other than you, your son, and family are in my thoughts and prayers.
On May 4th I was on my way to pick up my fiance from work, Its about .7 miles from our home. It was dark and I was driving the speed limit. My brother was killed in a similar accident 12/21/12 so I am a careful driver. Then something hit my car and I pulled over instantly. I got out of the car and saw a bike. I was outraged that someone threw a bike at my van. I began to approach the bike and I saw white socks. It was all I could see. I approached the man, he… Read more »
Oh Kay, I am so sorry for your pain and trauma. We have a support group for CADIs on Facebook that is 70 strong of the most incredible humans ever, full of empathy, advice, support. Please consider reaching out. You can find us through the Facebook link on the website below for AccidentalCasualties dot com or reach me directly at admin@accidentalcasualties.com We are all going through the same emotions, grief, trial, tribulations. We also have PTSD – specific counselors in group. I am the “Patricia” in the New Yorker article “The Sorrow & Shame of the Accidental Killer”. As I… Read more »
Theresa – How do I find your FB group. I had reached out a year ago, but never remembered getting a response or if I did I did not see it. I am also a survivor of a fatal MVA – I am 2 1/2 post accident and have learned that you do survive these tragedies. Like you, I feel a strong calling to help others who have been through these tragedies.
You can reach the Facebook group by visiting accidentalcasualties.com.
I’m really sorry to hear about this tragedy and the trauma you’re going through. I went through it, too. And it was the hardest thing I ever went through. Even 6 years later, I still get those ugly, dark feelings that come from taking a persons life. It will haunt me forever, I think. I don’t feel like any words will make you feel better, but just know that there are people out there who are going through the same thing as you and you’re not alone. And also, just remember that it was just an unfortunate accident and not… Read more »
Kay, I just read your story and mine is just too similar. Loosing a brother to a motorcycle accident by a vehicle turning left – I was 15 and learned to survive. Then, at age 40 I was involve in the same accident with a motorcycle, but I was the vehicle turning left. I am post 2 1/2 years my accident and it has changed my life. I understand everything you are going through. I’m sending my love and peace to you.
I too had a similar experience this past June . The motorcyclist died on scene. I think about it every day. I am still in counseling and learning how to deal with my feelings but it’s hard. I am forever changed. It’s nice to hear from others who have been through this as well. My prayers are with you all. I would love to be a part of the private Facebook group. I feel like I still have a long journey ahead in several aspects. Thanks for reading.
Hi Kristin,
We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals but speaking with others who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic.
:::hugs:::
-Theresa “Tree”
Hi Kay,
First, thanks so much for sharing your story. I just discovered this website last night and I’m so relieved that this community exists.
Re: your comment about wanting to reach out to the family but now knowing how – have you heard of restorative justice? Here’s a link to an accidental death case that may be of interest to this group. I know a lot of people who have found peace through facilitated dialogue – restorative justice can be life-changing for everyone.
https://www.timescolonist.com/news/local/restorative-justice-offers-a-way-for-peace-to-come-from-tragedy-1.946370
So glad that I found this site as I’ve been dealing with some PTSD-like issues from my accident lately. Mostly intrusive thoughts and flash-backs but also nightmares. I am a 40-year-old woman. I caused a fatal car accident when I was just 17 years old. In less than a week, it will be the 23rd anniversary of the accident. I made a left-hand turn in front of an on-coming vehicle, causing the death of the driver of that vehicle. He was a man in his 30’s with two young children. To make things worse, I had my best friend with… Read more »
It really helped me reading this. My accident was at 28, but I was just beginning to get my life on track after mental health difficulties starting around age 14, so in a way it all joins up. My chance to finally move on was taken away. For what it’s worth it sounds like you’ve done something really good in your life, with your choice of career, even if it’s a struggle at the moment.
M. Derang,
We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals but speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic.
PS: There are a lot of nurses as well as first responders in the group. ❤
-Theresa “Tree”
M. Derand, I can relay to what you are going through 48 years ago I had a serious accident which caused the life of my brother-in-law. It’s very hard to talk to other people about it because most don’t understand the position we are in so they will say that must be a terrible thing to go through but not much else and I can understand that. That is what makes this forum so special, we are all in similar circumstances and a big Thank You to Maryann Gray for creating this. I am trying to move forward and talk… Read more »
Two weeks ago, i was on my way home from work, excited to play video games and see my girlfriend. It was 10:15pm and i was on a very unlit highway in the Port of Tacoma. I checked my side mirror and blind spot to move over a lane and it was occupied, so as i looked back up i see a man maybe 10 feet in front of the car. i was going 60 miles an hour and my airbags exploded and my windshield shattered. i got the car to stop and the alarm was blaring from my car.… Read more »
It’s been three days and I relate.
how are you coping? I hope all is well with you.
It was not your fault. I havn’t told my story yet. I will one day.
The images stay but you have to know it wasn’ your fault. Just wrong place, wrong time.
That is what really helps me get through this. in 4 days will be 1 year since my accident, and i came to check on this post, i am glad i did. Alot of emotions are running around right now.
Would it help you to contribute some of your time to helping people who are homeless, or those with mental health issues? This would help others similarly unfortunate and who may be less likely to be hit by cars, bikes, trucks or trains as a result of your help.
Hello Timothy, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals but speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic. I would urge you, however, to find a good psychologist, one that specializes in trauma and hopefully utilizes EMDR, ASAP. The sooner you… Read more »
I am also in Washington and would love to connect with you if you would like. My accident was 1 year ago today. A 9 year old little girl. Please reach out if you would like
Hello, you can send me an email at tynitim1@gmail.com if youd like to connect, it would be nice to talk to someone who understands