Coping with Causing a Serious Accident
A Site for Information, Support, and Healing

Who We Are

We are good people who have unintentionally harmed others, in accidents occurring on the roads, at work, at play, or around the home. I call us CADI’s (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). Most of us feel grief, guilt, and distress about our accidents. Over time, we learn that our mistake does not have to define us.

Who I am

I am a social psychologist and educator. I am also a CADI, as a result of an accident in which an 8-year old boy ran in front of my car and was killed. I have been talking with and writing about CADIs for over ten years.

Highlights

There is no easy path to peace. Each of us must find our own way through this dark night of the soul. Although we cannot change what happened, we can control how we respond. I believe that CADI’s face three challenges:

In this site, I share information and resources that may be helpful to you. I encourage you to share your ideas and experience. You can write me privately here, or add your comments so that other readers can benefit from your input.

Accidental Impacts Fellowship Meeting Dates & Times:

Click here for more information about our fellowship meetings

Date Time
January 17, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
February 21, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
March 21, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
April 18, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
May 16, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
June 20, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
July 18, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
August 15, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
September 19, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
October 17, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
November 21, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
December 19, 2021 2:00 – 3:30PM PST
Subscribe
Notify of
guest
0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Tonantzin
Tonantzin
1 day ago

Hi! Does anyone know of a group like this in for Spanish-speakers? A dear friend of mine in Mexico is recovering from COVID-19. His sister-in-law, who is a doctor, cared for him during his illness, and ended-up contracting the virus also. While he recovered, she did not, and she died last week. He is in deep pain, dealing with feelings of guilt, assuming that he gave her the virus (which is very likely, according to his wife and everyone in their family) and causing her death. He needs a lot of support to deal with this painful situation. Any recommendations… Read more »

Kyndal Hazen
Kyndal Hazen
24 days ago

Tonight, the day after Christmas, I was driving home from my boyfriend’s house after dropping off his Christmas present. I was heading back to my grandmother’s where all of my family was gathered to celebrate the holidays, it was very dark by then. I was turning down the street where my grandmother’s house was going about 15-20 MPH when in front of me I suddenly say a cyclist dressed in all black who was also rounding the corner to turn. I slammed on my breaks but only saw him right as he was about to hit. He dropped off to… Read more »

Chris
Chris
9 days ago
Reply to  Kyndal Hazen

Hey Kyndal – I’m Chris Yaw, a fellow CADI and Accidental Impacts board member… First, thank you for sharing. This is a harrowing story and I am so glad to hear no one was seriously injured. A tough part now, is letting it go. I can understand this inner, video image being glued to your brain for some time, and neurologists could better explain why… What you need to know is that it was an accident. You were doing the best you could to make it to your destination. You did not intend on hurting anyone that night. You are… Read more »

Matthew Andrade
Matthew Andrade
1 month ago

June 26, 2020 2am I am a repoman and was working. I fell asleep at the wheel at an intersection and t boned another vehicle, killing the other driver and breaking my arm and wrist. I can still hear the glass breaking and metal bending. I think about the guy everyday. I feel guilty because he was an innocent person just living his life.

Chris
Chris
3 days ago

Matthew – Thank you so much for writing. Yes, you were tired and you fell asleep. But you DID NOT intend on killing someone. This was an accident. You had nothing but good feelings toward this innocent person until fate intervened. Getting rid of these images may take a lifetime. But one thing that research shows works: talk about it. Tell a good friend. Get a therapist. Show up anonymously at one of our group chats. But talk it out. In processing things like this you are either going to talk it out or act it out. Choose the former.… Read more »

Audrey
Audrey
1 month ago

The accident was not me driving, but my father. However, in instances like this, many people are impacted. Today is the five year anniversary of the accident. My father was driving to come pick me up from a volunteer position, when he struck a cyclist coming up an access, ending his life. He got out of the vehicle, not seeing what it was he hit. He recalls seeing papers on the ground, but nothing else. He drove home and called 911. Later, police showed up at our house and promptly arrested him in our living room. I was fifteen at… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
3 days ago
Reply to  Audrey

Audrey – Thank you so much for sharing this. And what a testimony as to the importance of your voice – and many others like you and me (I am a CADI) – who are trying to put a stop to such mean-spiritedness surrounding tragedies like this one. A man named Reinhold Niebuhr wrote this, “Ultimately evil is done not so much by evil people, but by good people who do not know themselves and who do not probe deeply.”   This quote comes to mind when I hear of the knee jerk reactions of folk who are quick to assess… Read more »

Melissa
Melissa
1 month ago

Today I got a call from my husband, he was crying more than I’ve ever heard. He said someone ran out in front of him in his big work truck and he was killed instantly. We have been together since we were 15, we are 31 now. I always make everything better and its killing me that I can’t take his pain away. I don’t know what to do for him. I want to be there for him and leave him alone. I don’t want to hover but I also don’t want to leave him alone with his thoughts. I’m… Read more »

Leslie
Leslie
1 month ago
Reply to  Melissa

As someone who is in his position. Just remind him that you are there for him whenever he needs to talk or cry. And that you don’t blame him. And that you love him. Thats all I would need.

Steve
Steve
19 days ago
Reply to  Melissa

Be there for him. You are the closest thing to support he has, whatever the outcome.

Alexis
Alexis
13 days ago
Reply to  Melissa

I’m also someone who has been in this position. My high school sweetheart also hit and killed someone while at work in a work vehicle. It’s been a long hard road but it gets better and life gets back to feeling more normal. Find a balance of being there for him and leaving him be. Listen when he talks. Let him know you still think the world of him. He needs you.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
3 days ago
Reply to  Melissa

Melissa – What a loving woman you are – thank you for posting! Watching a loved one feel pain is often more painful than feeling the pain ourselves – so we get it. Do the best you can to keep healthy – as I imagine you want to ‘be there’ for him the best you can – that means rest, exercise, eating right, not too many cocktails etc… The best thing you can be is be there for him – and be in a place to be the best ‘you’ you can be for him. Taking care of yourself is… Read more »

Bill
Bill
2 months ago

In 2014 I was going home from work after dark, when a pedestrian in dark clothing stepped in front of me as I was entering a freeway. I swerved to miss him, but grazed him with the front of my vehicle, throwing him to the side of the road. I called 911 and he was taken to a hospital, where he died. For the next three years I was involved in a legal battle, where the accident report was re-written, and changed from an unfortunate accident to involuntary manslaughter. I was caught in the legal system, and rather than go… Read more »

Steve
Steve
19 days ago
Reply to  Bill

Our legal system is broken when the D.A. has a win-at-all-cost attitude. Our jails are filled with people who were forced to plead-out because the cost of fighting their case was too expensive, or bail was set at a cost unable to pay. I feel for you.

Tom Morgan
Tom Morgan
2 months ago

My name is Tom, and I live in Dallas. Two years ago I was driving the half mile to my home after dinner when I hit a bicyclist. It was a Friday night, around 9:30, and had been rainy thru the day. I left the restaurant and turned right onto the 6 lane street with a 40 mph speed limit. There was no immediate traffic in either direction, so I got up to speed, and began pulling to the inside lane to turn left in half a block. Just as I was approaching the turn lane, the cyclist suddenly appeared… Read more »

Karen
Karen
2 months ago

About a month ago, I was driving back home late at night from work when all of a sudden a homeless man walked in front of my car and I hit him. I did not learn till a few days later that he was declared brain dead and his family donated his body to science. I am not sure how to cope with this. I know it wasn’t my fault and the family did send me a letter telling me they don’t blame me. However, how do I move on from this? After the accident, I’ve just been sad and… Read more »

Tom
Tom
1 month ago
Reply to  Karen

Hello Karen I replied to Alyssa below, which strikes many chords with what you have written – you mention that you’re at school, so I presume you’re in a similar age bracket to myself now, or the time of the accident (19-23). Again, everything you say resounds with the 19 year old me. Sad, anxious, exhausted, not worth living etc. I remember crying for weeks after my accident, too numb to move. All of these are only a positive reflection on the kind, feeling and soft hearted person you are, remember that. ‘I felt like there wasn’t anyone who understood… Read more »

Alyssa
Alyssa
3 months ago

A few months ago when I was leaving my college classes I hit a 86 yr old man on a four wheeler. It was a 2 lane country road he was just trying to cross the road from one side (his home) to another (his farm) it was straight across and I’ve heard since that he done it a millions times but as soon as I seen him I honked and braked he stopped in my lane to listen where the honk was coming from I thought then maybe I could miss him but he had the same idea we… Read more »

Kristen
Kristen
1 month ago
Reply to  Alyssa

Hi everyone. Two weeks ago I was travelling on the freeway in the fast lane on my way home when a lady ran across the lanes. I hit her head on and she flew on my bonnet and windscreen. I couldn’t see her through the shattered windscreen but when I came to a complete stop she flew off my car to the right side of me. I did not get to see her or the damage that I have done to her because the driver that was behind me stopped and covered her up. I’m only 22 years old and… Read more »

Tom
Tom
1 month ago
Reply to  Alyssa

Hello Alyssa I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I had to drop a note as it sounds very similar to what happened to me 4 years ago, when I was 19 as well. I had a head-on collision with a motorbike and the rider was killed. That was the start, as for the next 2 years I went through court proceedings and was on the cusp of a prison sentence (which I didn’t get in the end). I can understand how you might be feeling – The replays, the feeling selfish…it brings back many memories and I can… Read more »

Last edited 1 month ago by Tom
Rachelle
Rachelle
3 months ago

A little over a month ago I was driving to my brother in law’s birthday dinner and I was driving through a green traffic light when there was a woman standing in the middle of the road. I don’t know whether she knew what she was doing. I don’t know why she was standing in the road instead of on the pavement but she was there, and I think she was drinking something so she wasn’t even paying attention to the oncoming traffic. I was driving too fast to stop immediately, and I didn’t see her until she hit my… Read more »

Mary
Mary
3 months ago

Hello everyone….I really hope that I am not being offensive by asking this question but has anyone here ever thought of whether life is worth living after doing what they did? What I did did not cause death but it could have been much worse than it was. I am not suicidal in any way, shape or form but the struggle with self forgiveness is so intense that at times I wonder how one keeps putting one foot in front of the other when something life altering happens. I have been in therapy to address my ‘incident’ and other traumas… Read more »

Brooke
Brooke
3 months ago
Reply to  Mary

Mary – In short, yes I have, but I was the cause of fatality, and I think most people in a similar situation have experienced similar emotions. I had a friend who always used to repeat to me – ‘ in situations like this, everyone loses‘. And so my thought was simple, I cannot make the loss of this terrible event any greater; to my family, to my friends. This drove me towards a sense of purpose to give back to my community and pursue a line in helping fellow humans, in a way that I wouldn’t have prior to my accident.  My… Read more »

Alexis
Alexis
13 days ago
Reply to  Mary

Not offensive! I think it’s a natural thought. Life is fragile. Accidents happen, often. My husband accidentally killed someone but our family would have felt SO much more pain if he wasn’t here on top of everything that happened. Although he had survivor’s guilt and wanted to die, I reminded him that we are lucky to be alive and to be thankful we are here. Life is short. It’s not selfish to be thankful of what we have. We have pushed through years of struggling and the light at the other end of the tunnel is better than we expected.… Read more »

Damian
Damian
4 months ago

This isn’t me but my mom. About a month ago, she was turning left into a parking lot and 2 of the three lanes had stopped to let her go through. As she turned, a car in the third lane hit her. She got away with minor bruising but the elderly man driving the car ended up in a coma and just died yesterday. My mom cried all of last night and I completely understand why. Is there anything I can do for her?

Mary
Mary
4 months ago

Can anyone share the therapies they have pursued to process their event? I tried Emdr…but did not do it long enough I think. I am now considering ERP therapy….I did not hurt anyone … I had what could be called an error in judgement … however the consequences could have been worse and I am haunted by it 2 years later. Thanks…..

Harold
Harold
4 months ago

hi all my accident happened 2 days ago. i cant go into details because of legal reasons but i was driving, lost control went down an embankment into a river. i escaped the wreck, my friend drowned. it has been a very rough 2 days as police havent really kept me updated on whats happened. i have a great support network of fam and friends but i just cant get out of my head that i shouldnt get to enjoy things if ive just robbed someone of that. i have no idea how his family are which is killing me… Read more »

Kyle
Kyle
4 months ago
Reply to  Harold

Praying for you during what is undoubtedly a tremendously difficult time. It will take time, but I believe you can honor his life with yours once you pass through the storm.

Colleen
4 months ago

Hi everyone. Tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of my fatal car accident. I’m still learning to give myself grace. I hope you’ll read my blog post about it and that it can help you in your grief, too. https://griefgraceandgrowingup.blogspot.com/2020/08/what-it-feels-like-to-have-accidentally.html

Mary
Mary
5 months ago

So thankful for this site. What I did did not cause death however it could have been much worse…total error In judgement. It has been 2 years thought of the incident still consumes my day. I am in therapy…my question. Is, is there ever a day when one wakes up and doesn’t think about the event. I have made amends with the person I hurt and they have forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself,

Thomas
Thomas
4 months ago
Reply to  Mary

Hello Mary, I wish it were otherwise, but there is no easy answer to your question. I hope my comments are intelligent, but the answer is yes, with the right treatment it is possible to wake up and not think about the event. It is not easy, but yes, yes, and yes it is possible. I would say you need to let therapy take its course, and stick with it. It can be demoralising at first, without instant results, but progress will come. My personal message would be that you need to remember you are not a single event, as… Read more »

Tania
Tania
1 month ago
Reply to  Mary

Please search until you find a way to forgive yourself. Do not waste this time, it is so precious. I am the other side having had the accident and really no one is helped by you suffering. I am however sorry that you have had to experience this.

Colleen
5 months ago

This is amazing. I am overwhelmed that this website event exists, and am so thankful. 25 years ago this month, when I was 18, I was in a fatal car accident that killed a mom, a dad, and their youngest child. I was driving home to IL from taking my older sister to college in MO – had spent the night there, and then got on the road for the 4-5 hour drive home. I don’t remember the accident at all. Apparently I was on a two lane country road in Iowa, that was marked safe passing with a dotted… Read more »

Mary
Mary
5 months ago
Reply to  Colleen

It is hard to find peace. You are very brave. I did not cause death but made an error in judgement that could have been much worse for the person involved…my brother. It was 2 years ago and I think about it every day. He has forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself. May I ask, do you need about what happened every day? Does it ever leave your mind? I wake up every day and think about what I did though I know my brother has long forgotten it. Did you go to therapy?

Colleen
4 months ago
Reply to  Mary

At this point I don’t think about the accident itself every day. Definitely at least every few days. I did go to therapy for a bit, but not long enough. I think I’m scared to really go back into feeling those intense feelings.

Jane Bolkema
Jane Bolkema
5 months ago

I am a widow. My bicycling husband was killed by a sleepy driver. Although it has been 12 1/2 years, the children and I still miss him every day. It was a tragedy that shouldn’t have happened. I will always wish that the driver, who surely knew he was sleepy, had not chosen to drive. But, here’s my message to those of you who find yourselves in the position of the driver who caused a death: it matters that you stop and take responsibility. It matters that you intended no harm and did not maliciously hurt another human being. It… Read more »

Mary
Mary
5 months ago
Reply to  Jane Bolkema

What a beautiful, loving, forgiving person you are. I did not cause a death but did something wrong that hurt someone…could have been a lot worse. Self forgiveness is so hard but you are correct, unless we get the help we need, other lives are destroyed as well. I hope the man who caused the accident has gotten the help he needs,

Matthew Schultz
5 months ago

My story happened August 2nd 2006. I was 14 at the time. I was driving my boat on my lake with a couple of my friends (also 14). We were just about to begin our freshman year of high school… I was closer to being 13 than being 15 at the time. I was driving not recklessly and not under the influence of anything; I just wasn’t paying enough attention. The lake was pretty empty that day, so I didn’t think it was too much of a problem to be not paying attention for a few seconds (literally just a… Read more »

Jordan
Jordan
5 months ago

Although Ive never been in your position, I want to commend you for sharing your story and showing remorse for your actions. My heart weeps for you because I know exactly what its like to have such crippling guilt in your heart that it makes you not even want to live anymore. And to have made a mistake at only 14 years old at that. Kids mess up all the time but you probably never saw this one coming. I struggle everyday to forgive myself for my past. The thing I want to tell you is that despite this terrible… Read more »

Mary Kay
Mary Kay
4 months ago
Reply to  Jordan

Matthew, I couldn’t say this any better than Jordan has. The best way to heal yourself and to honor the person you hurt is to find meaning and purpose in your life. No one should be forever defined by the worst mistake or decision they ever made. None of us could pass that test. Use your gifts to do good. Your life still has meaning. God bless you.

Mary
Mary
4 months ago
Reply to  Mary Kay

What a beautiful response. No one should be defined by the worst mistake or decision they ever made, unfortunately that is what we do to ourselves. Personally, I have done way more good than bad. It takes real effort to remember that so that you can truly believe it and move on.

Matt Schultz
Matt Schultz
4 months ago
Reply to  Jordan

Thank you for your response, and also thank you to Mary Kay and Mary.

Hannah
Hannah
6 months ago

5 days ago I hit a motorbike rider. I had the GPS in my car on as I didn’t know where I was going. I had stopped to turn right, and there was a small crest in the road. I had removed my sunglasses to read the street sign and the sun was glaring. I started to turn when a motorbike came straight through. I did not see him until I hit him. He was thrown from his bike. By the time I got out of my car, people had stopped to give assistance to the rider and call an… Read more »

Last edited 6 months ago by Hannah
Joy
Joy
6 months ago

Yesterday on my way home from work (I’m a nurse) a girl jaywalking across a busy street with her father ran in front of my car and I hit her. I had noticed her father standing on the median but did not stop for him. She must have been behind him since I didn’t see her until she was running in front of my car. I slammed on my brakes but was unable to stop before hitting her. I raced to her side where she was sitting up and crying and screaming. No obvious signs of injury, but there are… Read more »

Nate
Nate
6 months ago

8 days ago, I went to a river with my friends, once we had gotten there I learned that I needed to go to my school to receive an award i had won , they said that i either had to pick it up that day or I would have to wait till the end of August to get it mailed to me. I made the choice to go back to the school while i knew my friends were upset with me. On my way back to the river i was trying to go fast to get back as i… Read more »

AHNA
AHNA
6 months ago
Reply to  Nate

I am very sorry to hear that. I couldn’t imagine, it must be painful. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this. I hope you can get the peace that you deserve. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Marti
Marti
7 months ago

My name is marti. I am writing because this February 2020 my son 24 yr old was killed by an 82 yr old woman accidentally. She didn’t see the headlight on that dreaded motorcycle his father bought him. This has been the hardest time ever in my life ! At times I think I am going to die myself. I am going through all of the stages of grieving. My reason to contact you is that even in the midst of it all I have never once had an ounce of anger toward the woman that hit him. He died… Read more »

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
3 months ago
Reply to  Marti

I think it is amazing and kind of you to think of her and to want to “ lift her up.” I should think anything you would say would be a blessing .

Lea
Lea
7 months ago

I am a counselor. With that being said, it doesn’t make accidents such as these any easier. I do think that working with so much trauma has helped me significantly to recover most areas of life more quickly. I have processed and analyzed and talked to peers and colleagues. And then I did it over and over. It has only been a short time since my collision and right now I am doing okay. I know that trauma can be residual and it can come in waves but I do 2 things. I use grounding and facts. These are how… Read more »

Brittany
Brittany
5 months ago
Reply to  Lea

Your story is eerily similar to what happened to my little brother tonight. My question to you, and anyone who has experienced this is, how can we help him? He is still in shock, of course. He has been in a dark place already, struggling with depression. He just had his 21st birthday. I want to help him, only if I knew how. Please help.

Rachelle
Rachelle
3 months ago
Reply to  Lea

Hi Lea,
Thank you for this message. Your accident sounds so much like mine. I will try and remember your two step process to get through this guilt. My accident happened a month ago and every day I wish I’d just stayed at home.

Monica
Monica
7 months ago

Hi: my dear friend accidentally killed a pedestrian last week. She is devastated and I would like to help. If someone on this site speaks Spanish and is willing to speak to her, I would greatly appreciate it.

Morgan
Morgan
7 months ago

Almost 15 years ago, when I was 14, my step mother would let me drive short distances to teach me to drive. One day we were driving a few miles down a country road to pick up one of my friends. It was myself, driving, my step mother in the passenger seat and my friend and her son in the backseat. We went over a slight bump in the road and came down on loose gravel. I over corrected, hit a ditch, and the car rolled end over end. I was ejected out of the windshield, my step mother was… Read more »

Mary
Mary
7 months ago

Has anyone ever done EMDR therapy to process their guilt and shame? Thank you.

Rae
Rae
6 months ago
Reply to  Mary

Hello Mary. I had been undertaking EMDR to help process a recent accident that I had, in which a motorcyclist travelling at 200 km per hour (and being chased by the police) hit my car and died on impact. I found it extremely useful. I have had to cease EMDR for the time being as my lawyers and psychologist need to figure out if it’s likely to have a negative impact on evidence I may need to give in the future. I need to specify that I had, prior to my accident, done a great deal of ACT therapy and… Read more »

Mary
Mary
7 months ago

Has anyone ever done EMDR therapy to process their situation and put it in the past at a much less painful level? Thank you.

Kim
Kim
7 months ago

Wow, I just discovered this website from a NYTimes article. I have always wondered how people deal with guilt from events, whether intentional or not, though my experience is mainly with the former. I want everyone to know that I have always had great compassion for the people surrounding a tragedy, trying to deal with the complex feelings engendered. How does one find enough meaning in an event to incorporate it into one’s life and live with it? How can one live with intense guilt and suicidal feelings? I tend to think of life as a tapestry ( not being… Read more »

Mary
Mary
8 months ago

I recently posted on this site about something that occurred with regards to my; brother….,I did not kill him but he could have been hurt. I have an additional question: do people on this site pursue counseling to deal with their guilt? If so. has it helped to set you free? Someone told me about a therapy called ERP,,,emotionL response therapy, It involves experiencing the pain of the event in order to process it. Thank you.

Thomas
Thomas
8 months ago

I just wanted to leave a message to maybe help someone, or maybe just provoke some thoughts. I guess this is more a post for someone that is few months/years after an accident, rather than a raw event . 3 years ago when i was 19, I hit a motorcycle on the way from work almost head on down a narrow country lane – the man riding it was killed, pretty much instantly. Totally my fault. I don’t want to dwell too much on what i went through…everyone here would be able to relate. heavy, heavy guilt, remorse, PTSD, Court… Read more »

Mary
Mary
7 months ago
Reply to  Thomas

Beautifully written. I did not cause bodily harm yet I am still finding it so difficult to forgive myself for what I did. How did you get through the suicidal thoughts, ptsd, etc. simply by turning it all over to God? I assume you have had intense therapy. I am on medication and probably will be forever….and like I said, I did not harm anyone physically. I admire you. I really do,

Thomas
Thomas
4 months ago
Reply to  Mary

Hello Mary, Thank you for your kind comments – many apologies for taking so long to reply! I clean forgot I wrote this, in all honesty. I am very sorry to hear about what you went through. For me, my faith in God solved my suicidal thoughts as it gave me a feeling and sense of purpose that I had to look outside of myself, and give back to my community, and channel my guilt and regret into helping as many people as possible, living my life in a way that honours the life the man killed in the accident,… Read more »

Barbara Checknoff
Barbara Checknoff
8 months ago

My story is unusual, different. I watched as a small child in my care was run over and killed by a riding lawnmower. I was 19. I am now 66. Many people in my life do not know this story. Some do. I don’t believe I ever processed this. I have felt unbearable guilt that my negligence allowed this to happen. I was almost charged with criminal negligence. People tell me I was very young, but that does not take away the guilt. I get through life by pushing this memory down deep inside be. I still work with children,… Read more »

Mary
Mary
8 months ago

Hi Barbara…I don’t have any real advice as I obviously need help myself, however I want to commend you for hanging in there for so long. I did something very foolish 2 years ago that involved my sweet brother. I did not physically harm him but the consequences could have been devastating. I am struggling to ‘get over it’ and essentially have developed ocd as a result as I think about it every day, I am 62 and experienced trauma right before I did what I did which I am sure is what led me to do what I did,… Read more »

Barbara Checknoff
Barbara Checknoff
8 months ago
Reply to  Mary

Thank you for your supportive words. Yes, my therapist now is the first one who has suggested–very very gently–that I should maybe process it, even after all these years. I hope you also find a path to forgiving yourself.

Mary
Mary
8 months ago

Did she give you suggestions on how to process it? My therapist suggested ERP therapy. Not sure if you have ever heard of it. I do admire you for all you have been able to accomplish. I have been very unmotivated since my incident. It is hard just to get up in the morning. You are a strong, brave woman.

Barbara Checknoff
Barbara Checknoff
7 months ago
Reply to  Mary

Mary, please don’t be hard on yourself for however you are handling your feelings. It is huge, and complicated, what you are going through. The fact that you are trying to make sense of it instead of being in denial or just self-medicating to push down the pain, speaks to your bravery and strength. I wish I had answers.

Mary
Mary
7 months ago

Thank you Barbara. As I said, I admire you for hanging on so long. I have been at this for ‘only’ 2 years and every day is a living hell.,.and like I said, I did not hurt my brother physically. I am taking it one day at a time which is all I can do. Past trauma contributed to what I did.l.that I know for sure as I was not in the right state of mind when what happened occurred.
Thank you again.

Teresa
Teresa
8 months ago

The accident that I was involved in happened almost four years ago in June 2016. I was driving home from work around 4 pm. I live in a large city, so rush hour had started, and the traffic was pretty heavy. I was on one of the busier streets in our neighborhood, when I decided to use a smaller side street to make a left turn. The intersection did not have a light, but it had a stop sign facing the street I was on. I got up to the stop sign and came to a stop, but I could… Read more »

Mary
Mary
8 months ago

I have a friend who hit someone with his car. The person died a couple of months later. No one was supposed to be where he was driving. My friend refuses to seek professional help. He blames himself and thinks he deserves the worse. I feel hopeless in helping him cope since he refuses any show of compassion. Can you advise me in any way?

Kim
Kim
8 months ago

I have a son that had an accident with an 18 year old. She died a week later. She pulled out of a driveway into a street, but my son was speeding. He got 16 years in prison. He has tried to commit suicide twice. He needs prayers. He has unbelievable guilt!

Mary
Mary
7 months ago
Reply to  Kim

Have you considered Emdr therapy for him? This was discussed during an accidental impacts zoom meeting. I did not kill anyone but am looking into it myself as I hurt someone.

Aparecida
Aparecida
7 months ago
Reply to  Kim

Kim, hope you and your son can find the straight to continue, Im going through a similar situation, my son was 17, was in a “get together” with some friends and one of the boys brought a gun, the kid was passing the gun around showing off and everyone got a turn to touch, see and whatever, my son’s turn to see the gun and as he grabbed, the gun went off and his best friend was by his side got shot and die right there. I have no idea on how to help him, he can’t forgive himself, he… Read more »

Mary
Mary
8 months ago

I just can’t forgive myself for what I have done and it has been almost 2 years. I did not kill anyone but they were hurt. It was my very own brother. He has forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself. Been on countless medications…nothing helps. Does healing ever really happen. I am in therapy now to try to deal with this. Thank you for listening.

Polly
Polly
8 months ago

On April 23, 2020, also my wedding anniversary I was traveling to work at 5:00 am I had just got into the interstate and there was a flash and a sound I dont think that I will ever forget. It was so dark and raining. I was ask by the 911 operator if I was sure that it was a person. After the fire department fonally found him I felt as though bery bit of what ever was in me was now gone. 3 hours later the state patrol said I could go to my husband truck and go home.… Read more »

Erik
Erik
8 months ago

Brain injury to wife brought on early dementia:   Annie’s first Pneumonia attack that put her in the hospital was entirely my fault.  She wanted to go to the doctor and I said as long as you feel okay, we will just do the nebulizer medication for your asthma.  I thought it was just asthma.  That worked for 4 days and then on the following Saturday she said “ I’m having a hard time breathing”.  Our house girl got a cab in about 2 minutes but on the way to the hospital she quit breathing.  About 10 minutes later we got… Read more »

Tom
Tom
6 months ago
Reply to  Erik

I lost my Dad due to similar but also very different set of events like this. In mine he acted stupidly (well being too brave), other family members made mistakes, another family member was taken ill halfway through his treatment, one doctor gave bad advice, another didn’t do tests but only clinical observations and missed things, another (a friend) gave bad advice. My Dad also had pneumonia, but he was having chemotherapy so his immune system was weakened. So a combination of things killed him. It’s obvious you’re a conscientious person. I’m sure you didn’t force your wife to stay… Read more »

Last edited 6 months ago by Tom
Ash M
Ash M
9 months ago

This month will mark 18 months since the accident. I was living with my best friend because my wife and I had recently split up. My best friend was 15 years older than I. We were auto mechanics and worked at the same shop together. He had never been married or had kids.. never really grew out of being a frat boy even though he’d been out of college for 15 years. Since he was a bit of a partier and I had just split up from a relationship of seven years I fell into drinking often. I preferred drinking… Read more »

Aparecida
Aparecida
7 months ago
Reply to  Ash M

Ash, my son just turn 18 and he was 17 when he accidentally kill his best friend. He talks to me with the same words you’re using. He can’t forgive himself he can’t stop asking for the worst, he wants the max time in prison as he think is not fair his friend died because of him. Even tho is a different accident from yours it is a same situation of guilt, I think. I hope and pray that God can give him strength and hope that you too can find some peace.

Ginny Reynolds
Ginny Reynolds
9 months ago

TODAY—RIGHT NOW—PRAY THAT JADEN WILL LIVE AND FULLY RECOVER If any of you believe in prayer, PLEASE PRAY for a 10 year old boy who I allowed to fish at our pond. He had been coming to our pond to fish for a few days. With the Corona virus, the kids are out of school and he was looking for places to fish. I had seen him fish at other ponds and he was very adept. He told me he could swim and had been swimming in some of the other ponds. I became too trusting that he knew what… Read more »

ginny Reynolds
ginny Reynolds
9 months ago
Reply to  Ginny Reynolds

Join the discussion…Jaden passed away.

Theresa
Theresa
9 months ago
Reply to  ginny Reynolds

I’m sorry Ginny. Sending you peace to heal your heavy heart. 💗

Casey
Casey
9 months ago
Reply to  ginny Reynolds

Praying for you right now. Lifting your name up. Jesus, please give Ginny peace. Comfort her. Please, take away this unnecessary guilt that she is experiencing. Thank you, Lord, for healing Ginny’s heart. In your precious name, Jesus, amen.

Virginia
Virginia
9 months ago
Reply to  Ginny Reynolds

I am so sorry. My heart weeps with you. I just saw this tonight. We have the same name. I will be praying for you and Jaden’s family as I lay in bed tonight. “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. Praying for you all… that He will save your spirits from despair and that you will feel His closeness and His care for you.

Jenn
Jenn
8 months ago
Reply to  Ginny Reynolds

Ginny I am so very sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you! Praying for God’s peace to surround you and the family. ❤️

Heather
Heather
9 months ago

Tomorrow Jillian would have been 48 years old, and it will be thirty years since the accident – we were on our way to a movie to celebrate her 18th birthday, she was in the middle seat in the back of the minivan. Sherri and I were in the front seat and I looked down for a second to change the song on the radio. By the time I looked up the light had turned red and we were in the intersection- I heard Sherri scream and then heard a sound I will never be able to describe and will… Read more »

Izzy
Izzy
9 months ago
Reply to  Heather

Being on this site has made me realize how hard it has been, and still is, for my family and friends to know what to say to me over the years since my accident 32 years ago. I find it hard to find the right words in an attempt to bring you some sense of peace or comfort. So I’m not going to, but I can say that I have so much empathy for what you’ve been going through. It’s hard for people to understand, at least for the people in my life, why I still have days that are… Read more »

Jay
Jay
10 months ago

It has been a year since I hit a pedestrian and killed him. My story is a little different from others here as it was a hit and run. One where I feel extreme guilt, regret ,remorse and shame for multiple reasons. While driving at night, (completely sober and not distracted) out of nowhere someone crashed into my windshield. At that moment, I didn’t know if it was a man or a woman, young or old, as it happened so quickly and the windshield glass shattered on me. I was scared and I was in shock as it did not… Read more »

Lucy
Lucy
9 months ago
Reply to  Jay

I’m so sorry for the anguish you’re going through. I’ve not been in exactly your situation, I came here because I hit and hurt, but didn’t kill, two people, one quite a long time ago, the other last year. But I can imagine why you’d just panic and leave the scene, and know immediately it was the wrong thing to do but then be unable to turn back. It’s a profoundly human reaction, and so tragic because it just cascades. I’ve run away lots of times in lots of ways from bad mistakes, including once when I hit another (empty)… Read more »

James
James
10 months ago

I have been on two sides of this issue, both as the cause of an accident when I lost focus for just a split second on the highway, causing another driver to swerve, lose control and crash their vehicle, and as a victim in a different accident in 2018, when I was almost killed after my vehicle was struck by a drunk driver. I still struggle with feelings of guilt and shame from the accident I caused, even though it wasn’t done on purpose. I don’t remember the impact of the other one where I was struck by the drunk… Read more »

Lesly
Lesly
11 months ago

My friend and I were going to a hotel party. It was our mutual friends birthday. I had my swimsuit on underneath my clothing. I was wearing black canvas shoes. It was icy and snowy on the sidewalk but not the roads. I thought I would slip on my way to the car. She picked me up and I threw my backpack into the back seat. I saw her little back pack and her towel there too. She asked me which way she should go because if she went one way she would have to make a U turn, if… Read more »

Patti
Patti
10 months ago
Reply to  Lesly

Please get help! Maybe EMDR. It works!!

Lesly J
Lesly J
10 months ago
Reply to  Patti

I’ll look into it.

Mary
Mary
7 months ago
Reply to  Patti

Can you tell me about Emdr? My guilt is overwhelming. Thanks.

Kind2u
Kind2u
10 months ago
Reply to  Lesly

Dear lesly, I can only share that we know the same pain, what u feel is humane, as hard as it is wanting to feel better is the first step to trying to move forward. You tend to spend most of the days feeling like you do because you feel like you need to punish yourself. Sometimes it comes down with forgiving yourself, very hard to do easy to say, I know but I believe you still deserve the best out of life so please be kind to yourself one day at a time. I too hate the media, they… Read more »

Lesly J
Lesly J
10 months ago
Reply to  Kind2u

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it! everyday has been easier. I did cry one time I was out drinking, I’ll probably stay sober for a while now. I still think about it everyday I know my friend does too but I’m starting to feel normal again. I’m not slacking in school and going out with my friends doesn’t feel horrible anymore. My friend has been doing the same. And yes that’s exactly what everyone around us sees her as; a killer. No one understands and is quick to judge but we learned to… Read more »

Nick James
Nick James
11 months ago

Driving under influence, crashed into the pavement and spun out at 30 MPH on a corner around 3AM. I was arrested within 5 minutes as I was driving through a high street and if this was happened at 3PM, it would’ve been worse. From now on, I will always ensure I take a extra precaution driving anywhere at any time in any weather. Fined and banned a lesson well taught.

Trish
Trish
11 months ago

Very interesting to hear the other side of the story. I was crossing the road on a pedestrian crossing in broad daylight on a straight road with a 20 mph limit, in white coat and hat. An 80 year old drove his car straight into me, he just didn’t see me. I was in hospital for 2 weeks, walking with a stick for a year, and had PTSD. I now take antidepressants. And for all this he was fined £120. I have been angry with him ever since, it was 2 years ago. I never thought before that he may… Read more »

Simon
Simon
11 months ago

In 1981 my Dad stopped his car to help a girl who had fallen off her moped. Whilst helping her they were hit by a chap on his motorcycle, who had inadvertently broken a simple double white line to overtake a queue of traffic. As an 11 year old, clearly it had a massive effect on my life. Do I blame him? Never. That could be me. I just remind myself of all the positives that will have happened because of it. Butterfly effect? Maybe. I miss him. But perhaps his death stopped something worse. I since heard that the… Read more »

Izzy G
Izzy G
9 months ago
Reply to  Simon

I too wish you could let him know of your forgiveness and beautiful heart, what you’re saying comes from a place most people, not all, but most can never go. I totally understand that, a loved one unexpectedly, and tragically lost is devastating on so many levels, even if it’s expected it’s so hard. I’ve been on both sides of accidentally causing a life lost in a devastating accident and losing a loved one by an act of violence. After the accident it would have made all the difference in my life if the family had your heart and understanding,… Read more »

Lesley
Lesley
11 months ago

Hi, i found your story really interesting. I was a child that did exactly what Brien had done. I came from a poor estate were we did not really have cars. When my friends grandma offered to take me with them-to the school fate, i was soooooo excited. We felt so grown up we walked the route in front of the rest of the family in our own little world skipping along laughing. Finally the route met a road full of cars speeding past, anxious to show my fear, and not really shaw how to cross a busy road, i… Read more »

John walsh
John walsh
11 months ago

In 1987, I was involved in a fatal car accident in which an elderly woman died. It wasn’t my fault. Actually, it was shown at the inquest that the woman was up to no good and had been thieving. Gradually, I managed to come to terms with what happened. It’s now over 30 years ago. But what makes me annoyed is other people, who have no idea what they’re talking about passing judgement on the issue. I’ve found that some people who don’t like me anyway will use the accident to cause further grief. There’s also the casual gossips as… Read more »

Hannah
Hannah
11 months ago

I worked as a nurse. I was burnt out and tired. A patient of mine came to the clinic sweating, pale, and out of breathe. I asked him if I could call him an ambulance. He said no, just give me my meds. So I did. The next day I found out he had died shortly after leaving the clinic. If I had paid more attention, been more firm, hadn’t been so burnt out I could have saved him. But I didn’t. I don’t know how I can live with myself, when I was suppose to be helping people, not… Read more »

Hannah Vos
Hannah Vos
11 months ago
Reply to  Hannah

Dear Hannah I can really empathise with your story, I understand your guilt and shame cos I feel it too. I was a nurse and made a dreadful error resulting in the death of a little girl who I loved. The words of Edith Egar in her book ‘The Choice’ have helped me so much …”how easily we are seduced by the fantasy that we were in control … how easily we cling to -worship- the choices we could or should have made. Could I have saved her/him? Maybe. And I will live for all the rest of my life… Read more »

Izzy
Izzy
9 months ago
Reply to  Hannah Vos

Hannah, I couldn’t have said it more beautifully. As a fellow nurse I know it’s a potential reality we all share as we are human beings and tragic, unintended mistakes can happen. You are a great exemplar of what every nurse should strive to be. I’m sure you’ve helped save many lives and while it probably doesn’t ever fully take away the pain, by continuing to push forward and continue to take care of people, when I’m sure you’ve had doubts, I know I have, is why you’re extraordinary!! I only hope your brilliant and kind words will help our… Read more »

Hannah Vos
Hannah Vos
8 months ago
Reply to  Izzy

Thank you Izzy for you lovely kind words, I hope your doing ok? I had to give up nursing unfortunately due to health reasons but I’ve started a degree in Integrative Counselling which I really enjoy and look forward to using my skills to help more people. As Maryann says, I’m starting to thrive, not just survive. Much love to you xx