Coping with Causing a Serious Accident
A Site for Information, Support, and Healing
Who We Are
We are good people who have unintentionally harmed others, in accidents occurring on the roads, at work, at play, or around the home. I call us CADI’s (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). Most of us feel grief, guilt, and distress about our accidents. Over time, we learn that our mistake does not have to define us.
Who I am
I am a social psychologist and educator. I am also a CADI, as a result of an accident in which an 8-year old boy ran in front of my car and was killed. I have been talking with and writing about CADIs for over ten years.
Highlights
There is no easy path to peace. Each of us must find our own way through this dark night of the soul. Although we cannot change what happened, we can control how we respond. I believe that CADI’s face three challenges:
- Coping with emotional distress;
- Wrestling with responsibility and with moral injury;
- Honoring our experience, and those we harmed, by becoming better, stronger people. In this, we find hope and growth.
In this site, I share information and resources that may be helpful to you. I encourage you to share your ideas and experience. You can write me privately here, or add your comments so that other readers can benefit from your input.
A few months ago when I was leaving my college classes I hit a 86 yr old man on a four wheeler. It was a 2 lane country road he was just trying to cross the road from one side (his home) to another (his farm) it was straight across and I’ve heard since that he done it a millions times but as soon as I seen him I honked and braked he stopped in my lane to listen where the honk was coming from I thought then maybe I could miss him but he had the same idea we… Read more »
A little over a month ago I was driving to my brother in law’s birthday dinner and I was driving through a green traffic light when there was a woman standing in the middle of the road. I don’t know whether she knew what she was doing. I don’t know why she was standing in the road instead of on the pavement but she was there, and I think she was drinking something so she wasn’t even paying attention to the oncoming traffic. I was driving too fast to stop immediately, and I didn’t see her until she hit my… Read more »
Hello everyone….I really hope that I am not being offensive by asking this question but has anyone here ever thought of whether life is worth living after doing what they did? What I did did not cause death but it could have been much worse than it was. I am not suicidal in any way, shape or form but the struggle with self forgiveness is so intense that at times I wonder how one keeps putting one foot in front of the other when something life altering happens. I have been in therapy to address my ‘incident’ and other traumas… Read more »
Mary – In short, yes I have, but I was the cause of fatality, and I think most people in a similar situation have experienced similar emotions. I had a friend who always used to repeat to me – ‘ in situations like this, everyone loses‘. And so my thought was simple, I cannot make the loss of this terrible event any greater; to my family, to my friends. This drove me towards a sense of purpose to give back to my community and pursue a line in helping fellow humans, in a way that I wouldn’t have prior to my accident. My… Read more »
This isn’t me but my mom. About a month ago, she was turning left into a parking lot and 2 of the three lanes had stopped to let her go through. As she turned, a car in the third lane hit her. She got away with minor bruising but the elderly man driving the car ended up in a coma and just died yesterday. My mom cried all of last night and I completely understand why. Is there anything I can do for her?
Can anyone share the therapies they have pursued to process their event? I tried Emdr…but did not do it long enough I think. I am now considering ERP therapy….I did not hurt anyone … I had what could be called an error in judgement … however the consequences could have been worse and I am haunted by it 2 years later. Thanks…..
hi all my accident happened 2 days ago. i cant go into details because of legal reasons but i was driving, lost control went down an embankment into a river. i escaped the wreck, my friend drowned. it has been a very rough 2 days as police havent really kept me updated on whats happened. i have a great support network of fam and friends but i just cant get out of my head that i shouldnt get to enjoy things if ive just robbed someone of that. i have no idea how his family are which is killing me… Read more »
Praying for you during what is undoubtedly a tremendously difficult time. It will take time, but I believe you can honor his life with yours once you pass through the storm.
Hi everyone. Tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of my fatal car accident. I’m still learning to give myself grace. I hope you’ll read my blog post about it and that it can help you in your grief, too. https://griefgraceandgrowingup.blogspot.com/2020/08/what-it-feels-like-to-have-accidentally.html
So thankful for this site. What I did did not cause death however it could have been much worse…total error In judgement. It has been 2 years thought of the incident still consumes my day. I am in therapy…my question. Is, is there ever a day when one wakes up and doesn’t think about the event. I have made amends with the person I hurt and they have forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself,
Hello Mary, I wish it were otherwise, but there is no easy answer to your question. I hope my comments are intelligent, but the answer is yes, with the right treatment it is possible to wake up and not think about the event. It is not easy, but yes, yes, and yes it is possible. I would say you need to let therapy take its course, and stick with it. It can be demoralising at first, without instant results, but progress will come. My personal message would be that you need to remember you are not a single event, as… Read more »
This is amazing. I am overwhelmed that this website event exists, and am so thankful. 25 years ago this month, when I was 18, I was in a fatal car accident that killed a mom, a dad, and their youngest child. I was driving home to IL from taking my older sister to college in MO – had spent the night there, and then got on the road for the 4-5 hour drive home. I don’t remember the accident at all. Apparently I was on a two lane country road in Iowa, that was marked safe passing with a dotted… Read more »
It is hard to find peace. You are very brave. I did not cause death but made an error in judgement that could have been much worse for the person involved…my brother. It was 2 years ago and I think about it every day. He has forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself. May I ask, do you need about what happened every day? Does it ever leave your mind? I wake up every day and think about what I did though I know my brother has long forgotten it. Did you go to therapy?
At this point I don’t think about the accident itself every day. Definitely at least every few days. I did go to therapy for a bit, but not long enough. I think I’m scared to really go back into feeling those intense feelings.
I am a widow. My bicycling husband was killed by a sleepy driver. Although it has been 12 1/2 years, the children and I still miss him every day. It was a tragedy that shouldn’t have happened. I will always wish that the driver, who surely knew he was sleepy, had not chosen to drive. But, here’s my message to those of you who find yourselves in the position of the driver who caused a death: it matters that you stop and take responsibility. It matters that you intended no harm and did not maliciously hurt another human being. It… Read more »
What a beautiful, loving, forgiving person you are. I did not cause a death but did something wrong that hurt someone…could have been a lot worse. Self forgiveness is so hard but you are correct, unless we get the help we need, other lives are destroyed as well. I hope the man who caused the accident has gotten the help he needs,
My story happened August 2nd 2006. I was 14 at the time. I was driving my boat on my lake with a couple of my friends (also 14). We were just about to begin our freshman year of high school… I was closer to being 13 than being 15 at the time. I was driving not recklessly and not under the influence of anything; I just wasn’t paying enough attention. The lake was pretty empty that day, so I didn’t think it was too much of a problem to be not paying attention for a few seconds (literally just a… Read more »
Although Ive never been in your position, I want to commend you for sharing your story and showing remorse for your actions. My heart weeps for you because I know exactly what its like to have such crippling guilt in your heart that it makes you not even want to live anymore. And to have made a mistake at only 14 years old at that. Kids mess up all the time but you probably never saw this one coming. I struggle everyday to forgive myself for my past. The thing I want to tell you is that despite this terrible… Read more »
Matthew, I couldn’t say this any better than Jordan has. The best way to heal yourself and to honor the person you hurt is to find meaning and purpose in your life. No one should be forever defined by the worst mistake or decision they ever made. None of us could pass that test. Use your gifts to do good. Your life still has meaning. God bless you.
What a beautiful response. No one should be defined by the worst mistake or decision they ever made, unfortunately that is what we do to ourselves. Personally, I have done way more good than bad. It takes real effort to remember that so that you can truly believe it and move on.
Thank you for your response, and also thank you to Mary Kay and Mary.
5 days ago I hit a motorbike rider. I had the GPS in my car on as I didn’t know where I was going. I had stopped to turn right, and there was a small crest in the road. I had removed my sunglasses to read the street sign and the sun was glaring. I started to turn when a motorbike came straight through. I did not see him until I hit him. He was thrown from his bike. By the time I got out of my car, people had stopped to give assistance to the rider and call an… Read more »
Yesterday on my way home from work (I’m a nurse) a girl jaywalking across a busy street with her father ran in front of my car and I hit her. I had noticed her father standing on the median but did not stop for him. She must have been behind him since I didn’t see her until she was running in front of my car. I slammed on my brakes but was unable to stop before hitting her. I raced to her side where she was sitting up and crying and screaming. No obvious signs of injury, but there are… Read more »
8 days ago, I went to a river with my friends, once we had gotten there I learned that I needed to go to my school to receive an award i had won , they said that i either had to pick it up that day or I would have to wait till the end of August to get it mailed to me. I made the choice to go back to the school while i knew my friends were upset with me. On my way back to the river i was trying to go fast to get back as i… Read more »
I am very sorry to hear that. I couldn’t imagine, it must be painful. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this. I hope you can get the peace that you deserve. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
My name is marti. I am writing because this February 2020 my son 24 yr old was killed by an 82 yr old woman accidentally. She didn’t see the headlight on that dreaded motorcycle his father bought him. This has been the hardest time ever in my life ! At times I think I am going to die myself. I am going through all of the stages of grieving. My reason to contact you is that even in the midst of it all I have never once had an ounce of anger toward the woman that hit him. He died… Read more »
I think it is amazing and kind of you to think of her and to want to “ lift her up.” I should think anything you would say would be a blessing .
I am a counselor. With that being said, it doesn’t make accidents such as these any easier. I do think that working with so much trauma has helped me significantly to recover most areas of life more quickly. I have processed and analyzed and talked to peers and colleagues. And then I did it over and over. It has only been a short time since my collision and right now I am doing okay. I know that trauma can be residual and it can come in waves but I do 2 things. I use grounding and facts. These are how… Read more »
Your story is eerily similar to what happened to my little brother tonight. My question to you, and anyone who has experienced this is, how can we help him? He is still in shock, of course. He has been in a dark place already, struggling with depression. He just had his 21st birthday. I want to help him, only if I knew how. Please help.
Hi Lea,
Thank you for this message. Your accident sounds so much like mine. I will try and remember your two step process to get through this guilt. My accident happened a month ago and every day I wish I’d just stayed at home.
Hi: my dear friend accidentally killed a pedestrian last week. She is devastated and I would like to help. If someone on this site speaks Spanish and is willing to speak to her, I would greatly appreciate it.
Almost 15 years ago, when I was 14, my step mother would let me drive short distances to teach me to drive. One day we were driving a few miles down a country road to pick up one of my friends. It was myself, driving, my step mother in the passenger seat and my friend and her son in the backseat. We went over a slight bump in the road and came down on loose gravel. I over corrected, hit a ditch, and the car rolled end over end. I was ejected out of the windshield, my step mother was… Read more »
Has anyone ever done EMDR therapy to process their guilt and shame? Thank you.
Hello Mary. I had been undertaking EMDR to help process a recent accident that I had, in which a motorcyclist travelling at 200 km per hour (and being chased by the police) hit my car and died on impact. I found it extremely useful. I have had to cease EMDR for the time being as my lawyers and psychologist need to figure out if it’s likely to have a negative impact on evidence I may need to give in the future. I need to specify that I had, prior to my accident, done a great deal of ACT therapy and… Read more »
Has anyone ever done EMDR therapy to process their situation and put it in the past at a much less painful level? Thank you.
Wow, I just discovered this website from a NYTimes article. I have always wondered how people deal with guilt from events, whether intentional or not, though my experience is mainly with the former. I want everyone to know that I have always had great compassion for the people surrounding a tragedy, trying to deal with the complex feelings engendered. How does one find enough meaning in an event to incorporate it into one’s life and live with it? How can one live with intense guilt and suicidal feelings? I tend to think of life as a tapestry ( not being… Read more »
I recently posted on this site about something that occurred with regards to my; brother….,I did not kill him but he could have been hurt. I have an additional question: do people on this site pursue counseling to deal with their guilt? If so. has it helped to set you free? Someone told me about a therapy called ERP,,,emotionL response therapy, It involves experiencing the pain of the event in order to process it. Thank you.
I just wanted to leave a message to maybe help someone, or maybe just provoke some thoughts. I guess this is more a post for someone that is few months/years after an accident, rather than a raw event . 3 years ago when i was 19, I hit a motorcycle on the way from work almost head on down a narrow country lane – the man riding it was killed, pretty much instantly. Totally my fault. I don’t want to dwell too much on what i went through…everyone here would be able to relate. heavy, heavy guilt, remorse, PTSD, Court… Read more »
Beautifully written. I did not cause bodily harm yet I am still finding it so difficult to forgive myself for what I did. How did you get through the suicidal thoughts, ptsd, etc. simply by turning it all over to God? I assume you have had intense therapy. I am on medication and probably will be forever….and like I said, I did not harm anyone physically. I admire you. I really do,
Hello Mary, Thank you for your kind comments – many apologies for taking so long to reply! I clean forgot I wrote this, in all honesty. I am very sorry to hear about what you went through. For me, my faith in God solved my suicidal thoughts as it gave me a feeling and sense of purpose that I had to look outside of myself, and give back to my community, and channel my guilt and regret into helping as many people as possible, living my life in a way that honours the life the man killed in the accident,… Read more »
My story is unusual, different. I watched as a small child in my care was run over and killed by a riding lawnmower. I was 19. I am now 66. Many people in my life do not know this story. Some do. I don’t believe I ever processed this. I have felt unbearable guilt that my negligence allowed this to happen. I was almost charged with criminal negligence. People tell me I was very young, but that does not take away the guilt. I get through life by pushing this memory down deep inside be. I still work with children,… Read more »
Hi Barbara…I don’t have any real advice as I obviously need help myself, however I want to commend you for hanging in there for so long. I did something very foolish 2 years ago that involved my sweet brother. I did not physically harm him but the consequences could have been devastating. I am struggling to ‘get over it’ and essentially have developed ocd as a result as I think about it every day, I am 62 and experienced trauma right before I did what I did which I am sure is what led me to do what I did,… Read more »
Thank you for your supportive words. Yes, my therapist now is the first one who has suggested–very very gently–that I should maybe process it, even after all these years. I hope you also find a path to forgiving yourself.
Did she give you suggestions on how to process it? My therapist suggested ERP therapy. Not sure if you have ever heard of it. I do admire you for all you have been able to accomplish. I have been very unmotivated since my incident. It is hard just to get up in the morning. You are a strong, brave woman.
Mary, please don’t be hard on yourself for however you are handling your feelings. It is huge, and complicated, what you are going through. The fact that you are trying to make sense of it instead of being in denial or just self-medicating to push down the pain, speaks to your bravery and strength. I wish I had answers.
Thank you Barbara. As I said, I admire you for hanging on so long. I have been at this for ‘only’ 2 years and every day is a living hell.,.and like I said, I did not hurt my brother physically. I am taking it one day at a time which is all I can do. Past trauma contributed to what I did.l.that I know for sure as I was not in the right state of mind when what happened occurred.
Thank you again.
The accident that I was involved in happened almost four years ago in June 2016. I was driving home from work around 4 pm. I live in a large city, so rush hour had started, and the traffic was pretty heavy. I was on one of the busier streets in our neighborhood, when I decided to use a smaller side street to make a left turn. The intersection did not have a light, but it had a stop sign facing the street I was on. I got up to the stop sign and came to a stop, but I could… Read more »
I have a friend who hit someone with his car. The person died a couple of months later. No one was supposed to be where he was driving. My friend refuses to seek professional help. He blames himself and thinks he deserves the worse. I feel hopeless in helping him cope since he refuses any show of compassion. Can you advise me in any way?
I have a son that had an accident with an 18 year old. She died a week later. She pulled out of a driveway into a street, but my son was speeding. He got 16 years in prison. He has tried to commit suicide twice. He needs prayers. He has unbelievable guilt!
Have you considered Emdr therapy for him? This was discussed during an accidental impacts zoom meeting. I did not kill anyone but am looking into it myself as I hurt someone.
Kim, hope you and your son can find the straight to continue, Im going through a similar situation, my son was 17, was in a “get together” with some friends and one of the boys brought a gun, the kid was passing the gun around showing off and everyone got a turn to touch, see and whatever, my son’s turn to see the gun and as he grabbed, the gun went off and his best friend was by his side got shot and die right there. I have no idea on how to help him, he can’t forgive himself, he… Read more »
I just can’t forgive myself for what I have done and it has been almost 2 years. I did not kill anyone but they were hurt. It was my very own brother. He has forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself. Been on countless medications…nothing helps. Does healing ever really happen. I am in therapy now to try to deal with this. Thank you for listening.
On April 23, 2020, also my wedding anniversary I was traveling to work at 5:00 am I had just got into the interstate and there was a flash and a sound I dont think that I will ever forget. It was so dark and raining. I was ask by the 911 operator if I was sure that it was a person. After the fire department fonally found him I felt as though bery bit of what ever was in me was now gone. 3 hours later the state patrol said I could go to my husband truck and go home.… Read more »
Brain injury to wife brought on early dementia: Annie’s first Pneumonia attack that put her in the hospital was entirely my fault. She wanted to go to the doctor and I said as long as you feel okay, we will just do the nebulizer medication for your asthma. I thought it was just asthma. That worked for 4 days and then on the following Saturday she said “ I’m having a hard time breathing”. Our house girl got a cab in about 2 minutes but on the way to the hospital she quit breathing. About 10 minutes later we got… Read more »
I lost my Dad due to similar but also very different set of events like this. In mine he acted stupidly (well being too brave), other family members made mistakes, another family member was taken ill halfway through his treatment, one doctor gave bad advice, another didn’t do tests but only clinical observations and missed things, another (a friend) gave bad advice. My Dad also had pneumonia, but he was having chemotherapy so his immune system was weakened. So a combination of things killed him. It’s obvious you’re a conscientious person. I’m sure you didn’t force your wife to stay… Read more »
This month will mark 18 months since the accident. I was living with my best friend because my wife and I had recently split up. My best friend was 15 years older than I. We were auto mechanics and worked at the same shop together. He had never been married or had kids.. never really grew out of being a frat boy even though he’d been out of college for 15 years. Since he was a bit of a partier and I had just split up from a relationship of seven years I fell into drinking often. I preferred drinking… Read more »
Ash, my son just turn 18 and he was 17 when he accidentally kill his best friend. He talks to me with the same words you’re using. He can’t forgive himself he can’t stop asking for the worst, he wants the max time in prison as he think is not fair his friend died because of him. Even tho is a different accident from yours it is a same situation of guilt, I think. I hope and pray that God can give him strength and hope that you too can find some peace.
TODAY—RIGHT NOW—PRAY THAT JADEN WILL LIVE AND FULLY RECOVER If any of you believe in prayer, PLEASE PRAY for a 10 year old boy who I allowed to fish at our pond. He had been coming to our pond to fish for a few days. With the Corona virus, the kids are out of school and he was looking for places to fish. I had seen him fish at other ponds and he was very adept. He told me he could swim and had been swimming in some of the other ponds. I became too trusting that he knew what… Read more »
Join the discussion…Jaden passed away.
I’m sorry Ginny. Sending you peace to heal your heavy heart. 💗
Praying for you right now. Lifting your name up. Jesus, please give Ginny peace. Comfort her. Please, take away this unnecessary guilt that she is experiencing. Thank you, Lord, for healing Ginny’s heart. In your precious name, Jesus, amen.
I am so sorry. My heart weeps with you. I just saw this tonight. We have the same name. I will be praying for you and Jaden’s family as I lay in bed tonight. “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. Praying for you all… that He will save your spirits from despair and that you will feel His closeness and His care for you.
Ginny I am so very sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you! Praying for God’s peace to surround you and the family. ❤️
Tomorrow Jillian would have been 48 years old, and it will be thirty years since the accident – we were on our way to a movie to celebrate her 18th birthday, she was in the middle seat in the back of the minivan. Sherri and I were in the front seat and I looked down for a second to change the song on the radio. By the time I looked up the light had turned red and we were in the intersection- I heard Sherri scream and then heard a sound I will never be able to describe and will… Read more »
Being on this site has made me realize how hard it has been, and still is, for my family and friends to know what to say to me over the years since my accident 32 years ago. I find it hard to find the right words in an attempt to bring you some sense of peace or comfort. So I’m not going to, but I can say that I have so much empathy for what you’ve been going through. It’s hard for people to understand, at least for the people in my life, why I still have days that are… Read more »
It has been a year since I hit a pedestrian and killed him. My story is a little different from others here as it was a hit and run. One where I feel extreme guilt, regret ,remorse and shame for multiple reasons. While driving at night, (completely sober and not distracted) out of nowhere someone crashed into my windshield. At that moment, I didn’t know if it was a man or a woman, young or old, as it happened so quickly and the windshield glass shattered on me. I was scared and I was in shock as it did not… Read more »
I’m so sorry for the anguish you’re going through. I’ve not been in exactly your situation, I came here because I hit and hurt, but didn’t kill, two people, one quite a long time ago, the other last year. But I can imagine why you’d just panic and leave the scene, and know immediately it was the wrong thing to do but then be unable to turn back. It’s a profoundly human reaction, and so tragic because it just cascades. I’ve run away lots of times in lots of ways from bad mistakes, including once when I hit another (empty)… Read more »
I have been on two sides of this issue, both as the cause of an accident when I lost focus for just a split second on the highway, causing another driver to swerve, lose control and crash their vehicle, and as a victim in a different accident in 2018, when I was almost killed after my vehicle was struck by a drunk driver. I still struggle with feelings of guilt and shame from the accident I caused, even though it wasn’t done on purpose. I don’t remember the impact of the other one where I was struck by the drunk… Read more »
My friend and I were going to a hotel party. It was our mutual friends birthday. I had my swimsuit on underneath my clothing. I was wearing black canvas shoes. It was icy and snowy on the sidewalk but not the roads. I thought I would slip on my way to the car. She picked me up and I threw my backpack into the back seat. I saw her little back pack and her towel there too. She asked me which way she should go because if she went one way she would have to make a U turn, if… Read more »
Please get help! Maybe EMDR. It works!!
I’ll look into it.
Can you tell me about Emdr? My guilt is overwhelming. Thanks.
Dear lesly, I can only share that we know the same pain, what u feel is humane, as hard as it is wanting to feel better is the first step to trying to move forward. You tend to spend most of the days feeling like you do because you feel like you need to punish yourself. Sometimes it comes down with forgiving yourself, very hard to do easy to say, I know but I believe you still deserve the best out of life so please be kind to yourself one day at a time. I too hate the media, they… Read more »
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it! everyday has been easier. I did cry one time I was out drinking, I’ll probably stay sober for a while now. I still think about it everyday I know my friend does too but I’m starting to feel normal again. I’m not slacking in school and going out with my friends doesn’t feel horrible anymore. My friend has been doing the same. And yes that’s exactly what everyone around us sees her as; a killer. No one understands and is quick to judge but we learned to… Read more »
Driving under influence, crashed into the pavement and spun out at 30 MPH on a corner around 3AM. I was arrested within 5 minutes as I was driving through a high street and if this was happened at 3PM, it would’ve been worse. From now on, I will always ensure I take a extra precaution driving anywhere at any time in any weather. Fined and banned a lesson well taught.
Very interesting to hear the other side of the story. I was crossing the road on a pedestrian crossing in broad daylight on a straight road with a 20 mph limit, in white coat and hat. An 80 year old drove his car straight into me, he just didn’t see me. I was in hospital for 2 weeks, walking with a stick for a year, and had PTSD. I now take antidepressants. And for all this he was fined £120. I have been angry with him ever since, it was 2 years ago. I never thought before that he may… Read more »
In 1981 my Dad stopped his car to help a girl who had fallen off her moped. Whilst helping her they were hit by a chap on his motorcycle, who had inadvertently broken a simple double white line to overtake a queue of traffic. As an 11 year old, clearly it had a massive effect on my life. Do I blame him? Never. That could be me. I just remind myself of all the positives that will have happened because of it. Butterfly effect? Maybe. I miss him. But perhaps his death stopped something worse. I since heard that the… Read more »
I too wish you could let him know of your forgiveness and beautiful heart, what you’re saying comes from a place most people, not all, but most can never go. I totally understand that, a loved one unexpectedly, and tragically lost is devastating on so many levels, even if it’s expected it’s so hard. I’ve been on both sides of accidentally causing a life lost in a devastating accident and losing a loved one by an act of violence. After the accident it would have made all the difference in my life if the family had your heart and understanding,… Read more »
Hi, i found your story really interesting. I was a child that did exactly what Brien had done. I came from a poor estate were we did not really have cars. When my friends grandma offered to take me with them-to the school fate, i was soooooo excited. We felt so grown up we walked the route in front of the rest of the family in our own little world skipping along laughing. Finally the route met a road full of cars speeding past, anxious to show my fear, and not really shaw how to cross a busy road, i… Read more »
In 1987, I was involved in a fatal car accident in which an elderly woman died. It wasn’t my fault. Actually, it was shown at the inquest that the woman was up to no good and had been thieving. Gradually, I managed to come to terms with what happened. It’s now over 30 years ago. But what makes me annoyed is other people, who have no idea what they’re talking about passing judgement on the issue. I’ve found that some people who don’t like me anyway will use the accident to cause further grief. There’s also the casual gossips as… Read more »
I worked as a nurse. I was burnt out and tired. A patient of mine came to the clinic sweating, pale, and out of breathe. I asked him if I could call him an ambulance. He said no, just give me my meds. So I did. The next day I found out he had died shortly after leaving the clinic. If I had paid more attention, been more firm, hadn’t been so burnt out I could have saved him. But I didn’t. I don’t know how I can live with myself, when I was suppose to be helping people, not… Read more »
Dear Hannah I can really empathise with your story, I understand your guilt and shame cos I feel it too. I was a nurse and made a dreadful error resulting in the death of a little girl who I loved. The words of Edith Egar in her book ‘The Choice’ have helped me so much …”how easily we are seduced by the fantasy that we were in control … how easily we cling to -worship- the choices we could or should have made. Could I have saved her/him? Maybe. And I will live for all the rest of my life… Read more »
Hannah, I couldn’t have said it more beautifully. As a fellow nurse I know it’s a potential reality we all share as we are human beings and tragic, unintended mistakes can happen. You are a great exemplar of what every nurse should strive to be. I’m sure you’ve helped save many lives and while it probably doesn’t ever fully take away the pain, by continuing to push forward and continue to take care of people, when I’m sure you’ve had doubts, I know I have, is why you’re extraordinary!! I only hope your brilliant and kind words will help our… Read more »
Thank you Izzy for you lovely kind words, I hope your doing ok? I had to give up nursing unfortunately due to health reasons but I’ve started a degree in Integrative Counselling which I really enjoy and look forward to using my skills to help more people. As Maryann says, I’m starting to thrive, not just survive. Much love to you xx
On a beautiful Autumn day in 1987, my husband of four years was riding his bike through a busy intersection in a small mid-western town when he was hit by a car. He died of chest injuries several hours later in surgery at the age of 29. It changed the course of my life and the life of his family and our friends too. Many of us used the loss we felt to make important changes in our own lives. We thought, if his life could be cut short unexpectedly, then why should we wait to do something brave, to… Read more »
Hi I am Cheyanne. I’m 16 years old and was in a horrible accident last week. My boyfriend got me a pellet gun for our 1 year anniversary and I was trying to scope the gun so I was shooting at a tree that had a target on it. I shoot with one eye closed and one eye looking through the scope. His little brother and my boyfriend was off the porch while I was on the porch with one of my boyfriends friends. So my boyfriend was supposed to be watching his little brother while I’m as scoping the… Read more »
Hi Cheyanne – first of all I want to say I’m so sorry that this happened. You must be in so much pain right now. I don’t believe we have all the answers in this life but what happened was a horrible accident so I hope you will forgive yourself one day. Sometimes life is just random and hard. Remember also that there were other reasons for the death besides your action. No one was watching him, he ran out without looking and the ambulance took way too long to arrive. All of these factors combined together with the gun… Read more »
I can only imagine the grief you are experiencing. When you take a life unintentionally, there are no words for that. The best advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time. Express your grief and be there for his family in any way you can. Right now you have to focus on your unborn child and what direction you want your life to take. Life is incredibly fragile as anyone who has ever been a CADI is so blatantly aware of. You need to stay around those who love you and you need counselling.… Read more »
How does one ever really forgive themselves and move on, My incident happened over a year ago and I still think about it daily. I now even take medication because of it.
Hi Tara, It’s a great question. I just hit the 18 year mark, and it still pops into my mind on a regular basis. There are all kinds of cues in my environment that will bring back some of the emotion, or remind me specific parts of the accident. Sometimes I go a week or two without thinking of it, but it’s just a part of my inner life now so I don’t really keep track. With time, the raw emotion has lessened. I’ve accepted the role that I played in the accident, but haven’t necessarily forgiven myself. After 12… Read more »
Were you ever in therapy?
My daughter accidentally caused the death of a bicyclist. She was driving in our neighborhood and came down a hill and he was coming down another hill. He swerved to avoid her and crashed. She stopped to see if he was ok and he said he thought he broke his neck and couldn’t move. She called 911 and stayed with him. He died 5 days later from his injuries . She was a senior in high school and finished the year home bound. He was a beloved college professor and the accident was on the news and in the papers… Read more »
I am so very sorry, 2 years is still very fresh. May I suggest books The Ride of Your Life: Faith will move you forward. The author also hit a cyclist. ❤️
Mary, It’s been 35 years since my car accident. I had just turned 18 two days before, driving with my friends on a rainy day. No distractions, rowdiness, alcohol or drugs. My friend in the passenger seat decided to grab the steering wheel out of the blue to scare some kids (never intending for a tragedy to occur) they were walking on the side of the road (wet roads). I accidentally over-corrected avoiding the kids and instead slid head-on into the oncoming car. The driver of that vehicle died. He was a senior when I was a sophomore, beloved drama… Read more »
Hi all. My name is Rachel and I’m 19 years old. My mom found this website for me. I’ve generally been through a lot in life already, and it’s definitely made me wiser and stronger. However, I tend to find myself questioning God right now because I feel so defeated over this which is the last thing I want to do. My faith is everything to me but this is so, so hard. This accident happened to me in Oct. of 2019. I was at an intersection stopped trying to turn left with a yield green light, there was a… Read more »
Rachel, I hope you’re doing ok. Our experiences do sound similar. When I hit the motorcycle, or rather I pulled in front of him and he hit me, he was thrown quite a distance. At first I didn’t know where he was, I thought he was under my car. He had gone across my windshield and all I saw by my car were his bike and his shoes. I could hardly get out of the car because the bike was in the way and I was terrified to go to him. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t find… Read more »
hello, First week of December around almost midnight myself and sister were driving to get some fast food. I was driving down a dark road and there was no cars around me or on the other side of the road. Out of nowhere a person was in the street and I hit them. Coming down the street the road was clear I truly didn’t see anyone in the street. It wasn’t in a crosswalk. The car is all black with dark tints. Once I hit them I immediately stopped and my body went into shock because I couldn’t believe what… Read more »
Tyree,
This is such an awful thing to experience so young. I’m not so young and it’s still awful. Hopefully You can find a therapist to work with. I don’t think this is something to get through without some professional help. I don’t know how to contact you, so you can reach me at [email protected]. I hope things are better than a month ago.
How are you coping now this happened to me too just before Christmas I feel horrendous and don’t know how to cope x
Hello I’m so happy my friend sent this site to me.
Last Saturday I was in a accident in Delaware around 1:40am. I was driving on 95 and thought I saw something in the road. What I thought was a deer was a woman walking in the middle Lane. I hit her going 60 killing her on impact. Now I’m really going through it mentelly…need help seriously.
I am relieved to find this site. Two weeks ago I was on my way to work very early in the dark. I collided with a man on a motorcycle. He died last week. I am all over the place emotionally and trying to hold it together. I’ll be fine for a little while and function like normal at work, but once my mind isn’t engaged elsewhere it’s all I think about. The man had a child and one on the way. My husband won’t listen to me say anything about feeling guilty or to blame, he just gets angry.… Read more »
I’m so sorry your going through this. I know exactly what your feeling because I was out in your same position a few weeks ago. If it would be any help to you , maybe we could exchange numbers and talk about both of our situations to help each other cope.
Hi Ruthanne. I had a situation very similar to yours that I just posted. I feel less lonely reading your story. I hope you are recovering and doing well.
Hi Ruthanne, so sorry you have to endure this awful pain and agony. I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. Although my accident that claimed the life of my best friend of 30 yrs wasn’t the same but 8 know we share a lot of the same feelings. I remember things got pretty intense with my husband, he didn’t really want me to talk about those things either. One day I burst into tears, he asked what was wrong and I told him I didn’t understand why I couldn’t talk to him about it. He said it’s just that… Read more »