Coping with Causing a Serious Accident
A Site for Information, Support, and Healing

Who We Are

We are good people who have unintentionally harmed others, in accidents occurring on the roads, at work, at play, or around the home. Some call us CADI’s (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). Most of us feel grief, guilt, and distress about our accidents. Over time, we learn that our mistake does not have to define us.

You can learn more about CADIs on this website, or check out some of the recent media attention Accidental Impacts has received.

Highlights

There is no easy path to peace. Each of us must find our own way through this dark night of the soul. Although we cannot change what happened, we can control how we respond. We believe that CADI’s face three challenges:

In this site, we share information and resources that may be helpful to you. I encourage you to share your ideas and experience. You can write to Maryann privately here, or add your comments so that other readers can benefit from your input.

Accidental Impacts Peer Support Opportunities

We offer 3 options for peer support in addition to this website. They allow those who have inadvertently killed or injured someone to talk with others who share a similar experience, for purposes of mutual support, information-sharing, and encouragement. For more information, email us at [email protected].

  • Our monthly fellowship meetings occur via Zoom the third Sunday of each month, from 2:00 p.m. until 3:30 p.m. Pacific Time (5:00 p.m. until 6:30 p.m. Eastern time). Each meeting addresses a theme of interest to CADIs, such as self-compassion, post-traumatic stress, various spiritual or religious perspectives, and various therapeutic modalities.
  • Expressive Writing (sometimes referred to as Writing to Heal) is based on research and clinical studies about writing as a way of coping with trauma. After a short introduction, participants spend about 20 minutes writing in response to a prompt and then reconvene for discussion. We are not expected to share the content of our writing but rather to discuss insights or questions emerging from it. Expressive Writing generally meets on alternative Sundays for one hour.
  • One-to-One Peer Support builds on the Accidental Impacts tradition of informal, one-to-one communications in between structured meetings, as CADIs meet and relate to one another in fellowship and expressive writing. Peer supporters are CADIs who, through their own experience, have learned valuable lessons about trauma, coping, and growth, which they are willing to share from the standpoint of their own experience, strength, and hope. The relationship between peers gives both parties the opportunity to reflect on their experience, learn, and grow.

These peer support opportunities are not a substitute for professional behavioral health treatment, counseling, or therapy. We recommend that all CADIs receive professional psychotherapy.

Accidental Impacts Mission & Values

Accidental Impacts started out as a modest website and over the past decade has grown to reach a worldwide audience. In 2019 we became a not-for-profit corporation in the State of California. Today, in addition to this website, we offer an array of programs and services including monthly fellowship meetings, expressive writing opportunities, peer support, and outreach. We are the only organization worldwide serving the needs of those who have unintentionally killed or seriously injured other people.

Our mission: Accidental Impacts alleviates the suffering of those who have unintentionally harmed others.

Our core values:
We treat others & ourselves with honesty & integrity.
We approach our work with compassion for ourselves & others.
We accept responsibility for our past actions & for our current healing & growth.
We recognize that healing is both psychological & spiritual.
We recognize community as a source of support for ourselves & others; we commit to building community with & among those we serve.

For information about our Board of Directors, click here.

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Michelle L
Michelle L
14 days ago

MY WALK WITH GRIEF Grief is many things. It’s anger, sorrow, hopelessness, and sleepless nights. Sometimes it’s a dull ache you can almost forget. Other times it’s a sharp knife ripping something deep in your chest. Tonight it hurts like hell. Baby loss isn’t something that just happened at one tragic day in our lives years ago. It is something that we carry with us as we endure each and every day and special occasion that comes and goes without our daughter here with us. And it’s all my fault. Every milestone that should have been achieved is locked away,… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
6 days ago
Reply to  Michelle L

Dear Michelle, Thank you so much for taking the time to detail your loss and subsequent pain. It is so important for us not to keep things bottled up, not to put on masks, and to sincerely articulate how we are feeling. We know this is therapeutic for ourselves, and by doing this you have given a gift to others as well. Many people in this space talk about healing but the truth is we are simply interested in coping. You have, group of hopeful, encouraging people, at our best. And we will substantiate your paint with our own, agreeing… Read more »

Em Lauren
Em Lauren
14 days ago

I’m really glad I found this site. Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences here, although I’m sincerely sorry that any of you have gone through them. It helps to feel a little less alone. I’ve never told anyone about this, so I apologize that this came out in real time. In 2009, I was visiting my grandparents. They were preparing to move closer to my Mom, out of state, and I was supposed to be there helping with general day-to-day cleaning. My grandma was one of the few family members who had been unconditionally supportive and openly… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 days ago
Reply to  Em Lauren

Hi Em- And wow. You are an amazing woman. To go through all you’ve gone through – to endure relentless trauma after trauma – you are a woman of great resilience and fortitude. Malcolm Forbes famously said that humans tend to undervalue who they are and overvalue others. And this is always so important to hear and re-hear: your story is so full of care and concern for those around you which betrays the depth of love you have for them. You wouldn’t feel so bad if you weren’t such a good person. So thank you so much for sharing… Read more »

Verna
Verna
16 days ago

Hello, I have never taken part in a support group. Thank you all for sharing your traumatic personal stories. I was 17 when I met my amazing boyfriend. Two years later, he passed. This is the part when I feel angry. 19. “She is so young. She is only 19. She could find a new boyfriend. Well it wasn’t a ‘serious’ relationship. She wasnt married to him.”…. But to me it was. To me, James was extremely kind and full of life. He had an old soul, but of course he was reckless. He almost went pro in BMX. We… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 days ago
Reply to  Verna

Hi Verna – Thank you so much for sharing this – and I am so sorry for your loss. It is awful. And I can only imagine the guilt and shame you feel. The best advice is always to seek professional guidance through a psychotherapist. Your burden is a huge and heavy load, especially during COVID. The good news is that you and I have a community of people here who have done what we’ve done and whose wisdom can inform us. There is reason for hope. People who’ve done what we’ve done have gone on to live another day… Read more »

James
James
16 days ago

A few years ago, it was the end of January and it was a early, misty morning, as it had rained the night before. I was working as a barista at a small coffee shop one town over from where I lived. I had to be in at 6:30am and usually I was in a rush getting to work on time but this particular morning, I had woken up about an hour earlier than I usually did. I got ready for work, kissed my girlfriend goodbye and left about 20 minutes earlier than I would on a normal day. I… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 days ago
Reply to  James

James – What a powerful story. I am so sorry you have to endure this. It is horrible. However, you are correct in that you’ve found a community of people to whom this story has great resonance. While we cannot know exactly how you feel, we do feel for you in a very strong way and are here for you as you continue the journey toward greater self-understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness. You are not alone because this happens to about 35,000 Americans every year – it is that common. What I glean from your story is that you are a… Read more »

Sarah
Sarah
17 days ago

My husband and I were teen parents and had really struggled through parenting, marriage, and just figuring out life together. In 2019, our kids were grown and we got a new house. Life seemed to be absolutely perfect for the first time ever- I got pregnant and it was this fairytale come true. On December 29, 2019 my husband and son were doing some construction work at our neighbor’s house. They had finished the work and my husband made my son drive while he rode on the tailgate home (something my husband has probably done a thousand times in his… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 days ago
Reply to  Sarah

Hey Sarah – Boy, what a tough, tough situation you’re in – I’m so sorry to hear of your battle here. In the midst of a trauma of this nature I can only imagine how common it must be for us to help the victim: your husband, and neglect the CADI (def: person who Causes Accidental Death or Injury), your son. Of course it does no good to dwell on the ‘I should have…’ (aka shoulding all over yourself), it does help you identify an aspect of your pain that a professional can help you deal with. Meanwhile, your inquiry… Read more »

Brian
Brian
19 days ago

It was the day after Christmas in 2012. I was 22 years old and visiting family. My 2-year-old niece was sharing a room with me that night. I had left the bedroom door cracked so my dog could go in and out. The back door was not secured and could easily be pushed open by anyone. I remember my niece trying to wake me very early and leaving the room but I thought nothing of it and went back to sleep. I was woken again by panic in the house as my sister was looking for my niece but could… Read more »

Last edited 19 days ago by Brian
Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
18 days ago
Reply to  Brian

Hi Brian – What a devastating story. I am so sorry you had to go through this and, because I have done the same thing, can somewhat imagine your pain and guilt. I hope you and your family have sought psychotherapy as a response to this. You have deeply injured your soul. As you probably know, it’s called moral injury – it’s a violation of our moral code and the effects run deep and long. While these feelings almost never go away, we can find ways to deal with them in a healthy way and perhaps accomplish things that can… Read more »

Meranda L Rauch
Meranda L Rauch
19 days ago

I am not a CADI but I am in a relationship with somebody that is due to an accident when he was 12 he has become an addict due to this and mentally he is not in the healthiest place. He just went to jail again and I’m trying to find some literature to send to him can anybody point me in the right direction or even point me in the direction of where I could get some help with learning how to help him the right ways, the is best for him.

Last edited 19 days ago by Meranda L Rauch
Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
18 days ago

Hi Meranda! I think that our ‘resources’ page has some good information for you as a supporter of a CADI. We always recommend that a first step for your loved one is to seek psychotherapy – which may or may not be possible in jail. But this can help him learn about the dynamics at work and give him a deeper understanding of healthy responses. It sounds like he is really hurting and he is lucky to have you in his life. Loving, supporting relationships are really important to our health. You would also be welcome to attend our monthly… Read more »

byron
byron
19 days ago

I just found this site, and i have to say, I think i’ve been searching for it for the last 23 years. I became a CADI in July of 1998, and for the past 23 years, i’ve felt like i’ve been searching for some sort of “family” that could understand what it’s like. My family, while very supportive, i don’t think can truly understand the mental, and emotional anguish i’ve dealt with. I’ve been lucky, I didn’t fall into a deep depression abs my faith kept me going. While obviously I realized i had to press on in life, there… Read more »

Last edited 19 days ago by byron
Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
18 days ago
Reply to  byron

Hi Byron! Thank you so much for reaching out – it testifies to the never-ending job we have of remembering those we’ve killed (may they rest in peace and their work never be forgotten) and the job we have of continually caring for ourselves. Yes, you have found a community of understanding and care. We believe we are not defined by the worst thing we’ve ever done but can cope and do productive things that can honor those we’ve harmed. I assume you’ve cruised around the site enough to see that there are ways to get involved in this movement… Read more »

Liz
Liz
20 days ago

Three and a half weeks ago I was driving to work in the dark about 6:30am. I live in a rural area where we have a highway and intersecting roads with stop signs. All of a sudden, I saw a man on a bicycle in front of my headlights. It was only for a split second and then I hit him going 55 mph. I will never forget the sound and the sight of his impact on my car. I braked right away and put the car in park. I was in a daze as I got out of my… Read more »

Lea
Lea
21 days ago

I have previously posted about my CADI experience. It happened in April of 2020. I ran over an individual that was laying across my lane in a poorly lit curve on a rainy night. I can’t stress enough the importance of having an outlet. Whether it is through sharing your experience here, being part of a support group, sharing with a “willing” friend, journaling, or seeing a professional. It took several months before I could pass the mile marker without intense anxiety that often affected my whole body. I remember the first time I missed it. The first time I… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
20 days ago
Reply to  Lea

Hi Lea!

What great advice – thank you so much for posting on this. 100% agree.

Chris+

Erik
Erik
22 days ago

One year ago, in a dark, troubled and hopeless state of mind, my reckless behavior while driving under the influence, caused a senseless tragedy to occur. Unfortunately, an innocent and unsuspecting person is no longer here and their family is left to endure the consequences. I can only imagine and attempt to empathize with the immensely traumatic grief, pain and suffering I have selfishly and so unfairly imposed upon them. I allowed my judgement to be inhibited in a catastrophic manner and as desperately as I wish I could go back and make different decisions or trade places with them,… Read more »

Last edited 22 days ago by Erik
Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
20 days ago
Reply to  Erik

Erik –

Wow.

This is an incredible missive. I am inspired by your transparency and openness – your penitence and empathy. But I am most impressed with your hope. People who have suffered much less have not made it this far.

Godspeed in your continued journey to affirm that you are not your crime, you are not your worst action, you are not your greatest trauma. You are a child of God, made in the image of love, and may you have continued bravery and courage to always, always, hope.

Chris+

Michelle L
Michelle L
14 days ago
Reply to  Erik

Thank you. That is all I can muster…thank you for that perfectly timed vulnerable honest and loving display! Thank you.

Robin B.
Robin B.
22 days ago

I caused an accident in the home when i was 12, that killed my 3 year old brother. It was 1972 and all these years later…my family never talked about it, I’ve never discussed it seriously with anyone. It haunts me. Where do I even begin with this?

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
21 days ago
Reply to  Robin B.

Hi Robin – You just did – Thank you for reaching out to a community of folk who’ve done the same thing and can likely ‘get’ you better than many others can. The truth is that when we cause accidents of this magnitude we don’t ever forget it – sometimes we don’t ever get over it – but we can learn to cope with it. I would strongly suggest your next step to be psychotherapy. You have suffered something called a ‘moral injury.’ Your body is fine, your mind is not, because you have violated your moral compass. Psychotherapy can… Read more »

bob
bob
22 days ago

When I was a little boy, I had a little girlfriend, and I would walk her home after school. My parents told me not to go through a very busy intersection in LA because it is “dangerous.” They made a point and insisted I never go that way; I think they knew I had gone that way before. My girlfriend’s mom had told her the same thing. One day, I met my little girlfriend, and totally disregarding their warnings I walked with her. At the intersection we started to cross, and a car struck her down, dragged her and stopped.… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
21 days ago
Reply to  bob

Bob –

Wow.

What a brave post – brimming with help for us as we navigate our accidental killings.

Those involved in 12 step programs like to say, ‘You’re only as sick as your secrets’ meaning that traumas like this that we hide eventually find a way out, and not always a healthy one.

I hope everyone can take your powerful advice, thank you so much for sharing it.

Chris+

Verna
Verna
16 days ago
Reply to  bob

Hi Bob, woah that is heavy. thank you for sharing your story. It is extremely brave of you. I feel like it is easier to share our tragic stories on here rather than in person. To me it feels so difficult to express grief face to face. This is my first post/response. Yours stuck out to me instantly. I have a few questions…. I lost my boyfriend at 19 years old. We were together for 2 years. One Saturday night we got into an argument. BTW we never argued. The next day he shot himself. However, it was not suicide.… Read more »

Copley Glass
Copley Glass
23 days ago

Hello everyone. I wasn’t sure I wanted to post anything here, but after seeing how many others have experienced the horror of accidentally causing someone’s death, I figured what I have to add to the discussion might actually be of some benefit to someone. So, here goes: When we were teenagers, my younger brother Paul and I (14 & 17, respectively) were horsing around in the parking lot of a local shopping mall. He eventually wound up on top of my hood with me driving. I started going too fast for his comfort (and mine, seeing the horrified expression on… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
21 days ago
Reply to  Copley Glass

Hey Copley – Ya, you’re right, I haven’t seen anyone share quite the same story as you have – and I hope someone with some insight into this particular aspect of PTSD can post something helpful. I am really glad you posted not just because of your query, but because you are a living testament to what tenacity and resilience can yield. Ya, it often takes that long for the sting of grief to dissipate, but it can dissipate. I think it’s important to hear stories of ‘success’ like yours – in that you have found a way to cope.… Read more »

Mitchell F.
Mitchell F.
28 days ago

I lost my little boy, Marshall, in a farm accident Oct 11, 2021. Marshall was 5 years old. He was riding on the tractor with me while I was pulling the shredder/bush hog. He was flung of the tractor by a tree branch that the exhaust stack caught and snapped back, I watched it all and there was nothing I could do. I miss him so much.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
25 days ago
Reply to  Mitchell F.

Hi Mitchell – Thank you so much for sharing the story about Marshall. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and heartache that have resulted for you and many others. Your courage in sharing this helps us remember the frequency in which this happens – that there are tens of thousands of accidental killings, not to mention hundreds of thousands of accidental injuries, every year in the U-S (alone!). I hope you have sought out a psychotherapist to help you process what I can only imagine are deep, deep wounds. As an accidental killer I can approximate what you are… Read more »

Andrew
Andrew
1 month ago

Hi, although I am fortunate (so far) not to have ever accidentally killed anyone, I am traumatized reading the gloating comments on Twitter from right-wing political figures taking delight in Alec’s predicament. How should we respond to this? Twitter is not enforcing their rules against people who think what happened to Alec is funny.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
1 month ago
Reply to  Andrew

Hi Andrew —

Thanks for visiting here —

Personally, haters will be haters. Twitter is awash in them. I think contacting the platform and asking them to enforce their rules would be a start. If you feel compelled to respond, go for it, but I find the platform ill equipped for serious, transformative dialog.

Martin Luther King, Jr famously said that the only way to make a friend out of an adversary is through love. Hitting back only makes things worse. Ignoring it and taking the high road is the best way IMHO.

Peace,

Chris+

H H
H H
23 days ago
Reply to  Andrew

Unfortunately social media gives mean people a bigger arena. There is true evil in the world, and people who hurt others because they can fall into that category. Nobody here is evil, and I am sorry for your pain and suffering.

You are not bad people. You didn’t even do a bad thing – that requires deliberate intent.

I wish you love. I wish you peace. We all, for different reasons, deserve mercy.

Sandy
Sandy
1 month ago

One moment in time can change your life forever. I was driving home from work. I was a street away from my house, when I hit a pedestrian in the turning lane. It’s been two and a half years. It still haunts me.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
1 month ago
Reply to  Sandy

Hi Sandy – Wow – it’s true – just one second in time is all it takes. I am so sorry for this death – and all the pain it has caused. I hope you have pursued psychotherapy – it is a lifesaver for a lot of people. And please know that our monthly meetings are open to all – and it can be very comforting knowing that we’re not the only ones who have done this. Grief shared is grief lessened. I hope you’ve had a chance to peruse the website as well – there’s quite a compendium of… Read more »

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 month ago

I’m so grateful to find this website. I’m based in the UK, but stumbled across this page by chance during desperate searching trying to find support, whilst wondering if I deserved it. Three years ago I was driving on an unfamiliar road when I missed a stop sign. I wasn’t speeding, nor had I been drinking, I just simply did not see it. I collided with a motorcyclist who was thrown approximately 100 metres from the crash site and died at the scene. I was charged with ‘causing death by careless driving’ (I’m not sure if there is an equivalent… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
1 month ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Hi Rebecca! Great to hear from you – and Yes! Our monthly support group includes a number of people from the UK – including England and Scotland. It will be late for you but hopefully not too bad – 5p EST. Thank you so much for sharing details of your accident. And like you, no matter how many times or how many people tell me ‘it was just an accident’ – for those of us involved, we can’t begin to shun responsibility. I am hoping you’ve found a good therapist to give you advice on how to deal with these… Read more »

Chrissie Stevenson
Chrissie Stevenson
29 days ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Hi Rebecca, I’m based in the UK too and have a similar story. I was crossing a B road when a motorbike hit me from the right. He died at the scene. After a year long police investigation, I was charged with causing death by careless driving. Fortunately the court case was dropped 3 weeks before it was due to start. However that doesn’t stop my brain from knowing someone died at the hands of my wheel, even though it was an accident, there are so many emotions that come with that. I want something good to come out of… Read more »

Sara
Sara
23 days ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Hi Rebecca,

My father died on a motorcycle when I was 7 in a terrible car accident. I often think about the driver that hit my dad and hope that he doesn’t let the guilt eat away at him. He didn’t mean for it to happen and I hope he knows that I’ve never felt ill will toward him. I can only imagine how you and he might feel. I’m sorry for how much you are hurting. Good luck on your journey to find peace.

byron
byron
19 days ago
Reply to  Sara

Thank you for this. This is the one thing I’ve always longed for in my situation. I want her family to know how sorry I am. I always wonder what they think of me. Do they hate me? Would they be open to meeting with me if the situation presented itself? etc.

byron
byron
19 days ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Your situation is very similar to mine. In 1998 I was driving and was looking ahead for where i had to turn. I missed the stop sign and collided with another car. That driver, unfortunately passed from her injuries. I too was charged with Vehicular Manslaughter. I had a pretty sympathetic prosecutor who agreed to let me plead No contest in exchange for no jail time. I was also suspended from driving for a period of time. Nobody can really understand what we’re dealing with, unless they’ve been through it. It’s been 23 years for me, and my life is… Read more »

Mike Hansen
Mike Hansen
1 month ago

I had my license for 2 months and was driving home from school when an 8th grader jumped out from a group walking on the shoulder. Med evac and died 7 days later

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
1 month ago
Reply to  Mike Hansen

Hi Mike- Thanks so much for sharing this – I can only imagine how badly you feel – I am hoping you’ve sought out some sort of therapy. When we break an arm or a leg we think nothing of going to the emergency room and getting it taken care of ASAP – And the truth of the matter is that you’ve suffered a severe moral injury: the moral compass inside all of us that tells us it’s wrong to take someone’s life – has been violated – and it needs just as much care as any broken limb. You… Read more »

Sandu
Sandu
1 month ago

I’m so glad to find this site. I’ve felt so alone.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
1 month ago
Reply to  Sandu

Sandu! Welcome! You are not alone – This site gets an average of 100 unique hits a day – and when something like the Alec Baldwin story gets in the news, the hits are 10x’s that amount. Why? Because there are a lot of accidents out there – many are not fatal but all of them are life-changing and tragic. 30,000 people a year are killed by someone else, on accident. That’s a lot of lives affected – especially when we add in the friends and family of the deceased. But, like you expressed in your comment – most people… Read more »

Danila
Danila
1 month ago

Sept 6th last month. I was headed to work at 5am.i hit a pedestrian on the service road of main highway. He passed on scene. What makes me more heartbroken is my cousin passed from a hit an run about 2 months before. Telling myself how can someone do that just leave her to die. And then it happens to me. It was dark and didnt see him. Staying close to my God is only thing keeping my mind together. Id never ever in my life would want to hurt anyone.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
1 month ago
Reply to  Danila

Danila – Thank you for your heartfelt story! I can’t imagine how painful and tragic this is for you. I think you’re wise to seek solace in your faith. It has been proven to help folk get better, to bounce back faster, and to find new ways to cope with life. If you haven’t already sought a professional therapist I can’t stress this enough. We’re quick to go see doctors when we suffer physical trauma – but what about our spiritual health? You have witnessed something horrific. Your mind has taken pictures of this – and your memory has it… Read more »

Helen
Helen
1 month ago

Hello. My name is Helen and a year ago I made a massive error of judgement to do with Covid. I didn’t isolate my little girl as I was told to. We stayed at home but I didn’t protect my other daughter, my husband or myself within the home and we all got the virus. My husband and little one recovered but my other daughter and I have been severely affected in different ways – in life-changing ways. It has decimated our lives because of one impulsive, rash decision. A mother is supposed to protect her children. I have replayed… Read more »

Andrew Bernstein
Andrew Bernstein
1 month ago

On October 6, 2010, I had an epileptic seizure and lost consciousness. While I was passed out, my car crossed the median and struck a car coming the other way. I injured the woman driving the car and killed an eight year old boy in the back seat. Even though it wasn’t my fault (I was taking my epilepsy meds at the time), I have never forgiven myself.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
1 month ago

Andrew – Thank you so much for sharing this – and I am so sorry that you have not been able to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is such a big issue – and so difficult with something of such magnitude. I always suggest people find a good therapist to help equip them with the proper tools to live as healthy as possible. Also, I suggest our monthly meetings – they’re 90 minutes and you can come anonymously if you like. You can find details for that elsewhere on the site. And on this site you can also find other resources –… Read more »

Mel
Mel
1 month ago

Hi. I hit and killed a pedestrian who was crossing the freeway. She came through my windshield and nearly killed me too. There was nothing I could have done to avoid it This was almost 13 years ago and I have been looking for someone who has been through the same thing for years.

Melissa M
Melissa M
1 month ago
Reply to  Mel

Hi Mel…I had a very similar situation to yours. A woman ran infront of my car on a freeway onramp. I’m so glad you’ve found this site. I felt desperately alone until I found this group. You’re not alone there is a wonderful community here. If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll consider coming to the monthly zoom fellowships

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
1 month ago
Reply to  Mel

Hi Mel – Well, you have found what you’re looking for… this website is filled with ‘CADIs’ – (those who Cause Accidental Death or Injury) – and we are bound together by the tragedy of accidental killing – knowing that grief shared is grief lessened: we are better together. I can’t imagine the stickiness of this image Mel – how it stays with you – and how it has been harming you. I hope you have been able to seek and find appropriate counseling to bring you through. Please consider dropping by one of our monthly Zoom meetings – we… Read more »

Jill
Jill
1 month ago

I can’t sleep. My error in judgment, I believe was the final straw that hastened my father’s death just days ago. It was poor decision in treatment and I was not his doctor. I have tremendous regret, guilt and fear of others judgements on this. I wish I could turn back time.

Last edited 1 month ago by Jill
JJu
JJu
1 month ago

First, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It is truly awful to be in this position, as everyone here knows.

While there is no guarantee how the cyclist and family may react, I believe that most people appreciate the demonstration of genuine concern in these situations. It can help quell festering anger and bring some small relief to know that you weren’t negligent, drunk or speeding, but it was truly an accident.

Wishing you well through this process.

Rachel
Rachel
1 month ago

Hi Allen, I was in a very similar experience in early June (an accident with a cyclist in which I didn’t know (and still don’t know to this day) many details about their injuries aside from them needing to be sent to the hospital in an ambulance. I also am a cyclist and I had/still have many similar feelings of immense shame, embarrassment, and self doubt. I doubt I have answers for you, but had to comment when I saw your post to let you know that you are not alone in your experience. I was advised by attorneys through… Read more »

Dannie
Dannie
2 months ago

My name is Dannie. In November of 2020, on the 22nd, I was trying to save my friend from being beaten to death, and ended up shooting the man who was hurting him, resulting in his death. The anniversary is coming up, and I am lost as to how to deal with it. I haven’t told anyone else as to my emotions dealing with it, and I don’t think I can. I wonder if visiting and paying respects at his grave is a bad idea, because of what I did. I would have went to his funeral, but I was… Read more »

JJu
JJu
1 month ago
Reply to  Dannie

Hey Dannie,

Im sorry you are going through this. I’m sure it’s very hard. I think there is nothing wrong in visiting his grave. Finding a way to feel connected may help you come to some level of peace with what happened.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
1 month ago
Reply to  Dannie

Hi Dannie- Thank you so much for sharing this. It is so important to tell others about things like this. The 12-steppers have a saying ‘We’re only as sick as our secrets’ meaning that when we hide things like this they fester and make things worse. I would highly recommend regular counseling with a reputable therapist to give you the language and a strategy to get through this. Think of it as breaking your leg. Sure, you can go on living and limping, but isn’t it better to go to the hospital to get it properly treated? From what you… Read more »

Carol
Carol
2 months ago

I joined the fellowship group today and was glad I did. I met some people who were very kind and understanding. Tomorrow is one month since my accident. I was driving through an intersection at night (I had no stop sign) when a bicyclist, who had sped down the hill, ran the stop sign, right in front of my van. I could not have avoided the collision, and the bicyclist I found out later did not survive. I also found out a few days afterwards that he was a 32 year old man who was mentally disabled- he had the… Read more »

Carol Fredericks
Carol Fredericks
2 months ago

I will share my story now. On August 20, I was traveling at night on a quiet residential narrow street and was starting through an intersection. I did not have a stop sign. The street that intersected did have a stop sign. In the southern direction the intersecting street is downhill to the intersection. All of a sudden as I was just into the intersection a bicyclist sped through the stop sign after cruising down the hill and rode right in front of my van. I could not have avoided the collision. The bicyclist was thrown in the direction we… Read more »

Jami
Jami
3 months ago

I had an accident with a motorcyclist that died. I truly feel like it was not either of our faults it was just a bad area of road and we were both in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am coming up on a year since in a little over a month and lately I have been super down. I’ve had good days and bad days since the accident but now I really hate myself. I see the other driver in my head every day. I feel like I stole whatever chance he had at life and he… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
3 months ago
Reply to  Jami

Hi Jami- OMG – I am so sorry for what you’re experiencing – Yes, though, you are in good company. I did the same thing you did. Most of the people on this sight did too. It regularly affects us all. So yes, grief shared is grief lessened. So let me invite you to our monthly Fellowship meetings and to look at the ‘expressive writing’ group and the Peer Support offering. Also, I am so sorry you hate yourself. I’m sure, like everybody else, you are tempted to define yourself by your worst moment. But this is not fair. Because… Read more »

Jami
Jami
3 months ago
Reply to  Chris Yaw

Thank you I think I will join into the next zoom meeting in september.

Linda
Linda
3 months ago
Reply to  Jami

Hi Jami,
My accident was like your own – a 50/50 deal in terms of responsibility. Time takes care of some of it. But the thing that has helped me the most is to remember that my suffering doesn’t bring the person back. It doesn’t solve anything. If you feel overwhelmed by guilt and shame, be a volunteer somewhere. I did the age thing, too. I am 25 years older than the man who died in our accident. And that doesn’t do any good either. Be the best person you can be.

Darren
Darren
3 months ago

Hi all, it’s crazy how life can just change in a moment. I had made plans to visit a friend whom I’ve known for a few years. It was a lovely evening and his amazing mom even cooked us beautiful pizza. It was after a few days that we realised I may have given my friend Covid. Looking back I remember having brief moments of coughing while I was there but I’ve always had a smokers cough so nothing was seen as unusual at the time. My friend unfortunately passed it onto his mom who ended up in ICU and… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
3 months ago
Reply to  Darren

Hi Darren – Thank you so much for putting into words what thousands of people, if not more, are going through as we make our way through this pandemic. And this is a key point as we journey through life as accidental killers – that we are not alone – at all – many, many people are trying to cope with the unfortunate and unintentional acts we have committed. So please know that not only are you among many, many people who have done the same thing – but the vast majority of these people have been able to cope,… Read more »

Deedee
Deedee
2 months ago
Reply to  Darren

Darren, you are not alone in the feelings of guilt in most likely passing Covid to another. I am so sorry you are going through this, too. In my case, I had a headache for a few hours, one day,and a few hours of feeling really tired and achy after shopping in December. I thought nothing of it. Then when I couldn’t taste, I got tested, positive. Husband negative. But days later, he skipped respiratory symptoms and just felt terrible. Turned away from ER 2x . When they finally took him, he died in 5 days of Covid pneumonia. Of… Read more »

Joe
Joe
4 months ago

My name is Joe in 2012 I was putting my gun down in my truck and it went off killing my son of 7 years old in seconds and see his eyes all the time

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
3 months ago
Reply to  Joe

Hi Joe- Wow – What a cross to bear. I can’t imagine the burden you’ve been carrying – The good news about this site and the people on it is that we are all still here after committing similar acts. I accidentally killed a friend and employee in a freak accident in my home. I had to lower his body to the ground and give him ‘last rites’ (I am a minister) and the look in his eyes still haunts me. So when we talk about living another day after committing such tragic acts, this is not complete healing –… Read more »

Meg
Meg
2 months ago
Reply to  Joe

My heart goes out to you. I was the driver of a fatal car accident that killed my fiancee. The loss is immeasurable.

Julie
Julie
1 month ago
Reply to  Joe

Love and prayers to you. You did not mean to do this. You had a moment that changed your life, and a complete accident. I made an inappropriate medical treatment judgment that took my father’s life. It was not a moment, it was stupidity and lethal to him. I thought I was trying to help, later realizing I followed the wrong advice, still following it even more wrongly, and I offered him an inappropriate treatment.
I have children too.
God bless you, your family and your healing.

Last edited 1 month ago by Julie
Sam
Sam
4 months ago

A year and a half ago, a very drunk man walked in front of my car on a darkened road as I was returning from the gym at around 6:30 pm. He went through the windshield and died an hour later at the ER. I was cleared of any responsibility, but I remain constantly haunted by the event, and the knowledge that my actions, however, unintended, resulted in the death of another human being. I’ve sought counseling, but I feel that there’s now a permanent cloud over me.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
3 months ago
Reply to  Sam

Hey Sam – What a tragedy – what pain you carry – what a haunting, haunting incident. Whether or not police, parents, friends, or ‘the public’ ever ‘clear’ you of responsibility – this has absolutely no bearing on our own ability to ‘clear’ ourselves. As humans, part of our make up includes compassion and empathy. A by-product of that is that we routinely feel responsible for things that are unquestionably out of our ‘fault’ range. Just put yourself in the drivers’ seat regarding your own issue here: if your friend came to you and described the events you just described,… Read more »

Heidi Jens
Heidi Jens
2 months ago
Reply to  Sam

Sam,
I had a very, very similar accident as you. I remeber talking about it with my mom and telling her I felt as if I had a “dark cloud hovering over me” or a “mark that I couldn’t erase.” I feel for you and I just want you to know that it has been 3 years since my accident and that cloud will go away, with time. Don’t let it control your life.
-Heidi

Melissa
Melissa
1 month ago
Reply to  Sam

The exact same thing happened to me.

Last edited 1 month ago by Melissa
Sarah
Sarah
4 months ago

I’m so grateful I found this group… It’s been almost 12 years since I accidentally started a fire that resulted in the death of my father… It was due to my carelessness and act of negligence and I was also charged with negligent manslaughter and did almost 9 years… I can’t believe some days I thought I dealt with the pain of losing him I was an only child and he was my best friend, I’m in my mom had been married 31 years at the time, but I feel like the pain is only just beginning.. it’s affecting my… Read more »

Jay
Jay
4 months ago
Reply to  Sarah

Sarah- So sorry for what you are going through. I sympathize. I have terrible anxiety about everything since my accident 3+ hrs ago. I’m glad you can find comfort in knowing that people here do understand.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
4 months ago
Reply to  Sarah

Sarah! Thank you so much for opening up and sharing. It is SO important people who’ve gone through what we’ve gone through give voice to our feelings. A therapist I know once said that emotions like this never go away – that some how, some way, they find a way out – and the way you have chosen is the most healthy. There is no question that self-forgiveness like what you’re describing is a huge, huge deal. I have found that it’s not a case of finding an answer and you’re done – but by day by day, even moment… Read more »

Theresa
Theresa
5 months ago

I’m not sure if I’m on the right side for this, but I’m hoping I’m welcome.
About 3 years ago, I accidentally burned down a 48 unit condo complex. I am sick about it. I was distracted, and put a cigarette out in a potted plant. It smoldered for 4 hours and caught the fertilizer and soil on fire. It destroyed 48 units. No deaths, but on site, someone said, “Look at what you did!” I can never forget that moment. The shame I feel is awful. Am I able to join your group?

Jay
Jay
4 months ago
Reply to  Theresa

Hi Theresa—Absolutely, this is the place. My ‘victim’ didn’t die either, but the guilt of harming someone and knowing that I could have killed someone is still something to grapple with. I hope coming to this site helps you feel supported. People here do understand.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
4 months ago
Reply to  Theresa

Hi Theresa – Thanks so much for sharing this story – The shame, guilt, embarrassment, and regret you feel certainly parallel what the accidental killers in this group feel – and even though no one died in your accident I think the group would be good for you – and of course, you are warmly welcome! I agree with you – it’s the dealing with the shame that’s so tough – it’s that nasty recording device that only seems to play back criticisms not compliments. And as you probably know, there are healthy strategies out there to help us get… Read more »

Marc
Marc
5 months ago

I found this support group 17 years late. I accidentally killed my girlfriend on 9/4/04. I made a mistake driving and we ended up in a head on t bone accident in San Luis Obispo. I remember hearing broken glass and the sound of bending metal. I remember seeing my girlfriend’s body and then being pulled out of the window side by bystanders. From then I blacked out numerous times. Her family didn’t press charges, and still welcome me when I can visit (usually I’d visit them and her at the cemetery yearly). We were heading back home from the… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 months ago
Reply to  Marc

Hi Marc – Thanks for being brave enough to vent here. Thanks for being courageous enough to continue the battle toward wellness. Thanks for being a role model to the rest of us who just want to throw in the towel. What we do when we accidentally take a life is enter into a world of self-harm – by the thoughts of blame, guilt, shame, and embarrassment that just don’t stop. We fight off lies about our self-worth and what our future will look like. The fact is that your resiliency keeps you alive to see another day, to help… Read more »

Tom
Tom
5 months ago
Reply to  Chris Yaw

Chris, your warm words of support to people leaving posts are a great comfort- certainly to the persons who posted – but i know also to the others who look at this site. Not meaning to pry but I’m curious about your own story – is there any site or page where you’ve talked about it?

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 months ago
Reply to  Tom

Hey Tom – No worries, you’re not prying! I have not written extensively about my accidental killing – it involved negligence and a civil suit around a garage door I put in on the cheap at my home – and ended up killing my good friend and gardener, very tragic and getting sued was the least I could do (and pay out damages) for such a stupid mistake. Like most of us – it’s a terrible feeling that comes and goes but never leaves. I miss Kenny and the work done to help others through Accidental Impacts is a small… Read more »

Bonnie bishop
Bonnie bishop
5 months ago
Reply to  Tom

Thanks Tom for asking and thanks Chris for answering. I was kinda wondering too. So sorry for your loss. Think I found this site around 2008 or so. I do have a short personal story about my car accident which claimed the life of my best friend of 30 yrs. Also a book I wrote about my experience. Things I went threw and learned. Things and people that helped. I fictionalized it to protect the innocent but the accident, process I had to go through, legal procedures and consequences and my emotions are all true. was listed under things to… Read more »

Jay
Jay
4 months ago
Reply to  Marc

Marc,
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you’ve been through. You’ve suffered enough for this very human mistake that resulted in so much tragedy. Truly, you have suffered enough. I hope you find peace. You deserve it. I promise you, you deserve it.

Hanako Eden
Hanako Eden
5 months ago

It’s been 6 years since I accidentally killed my daughter. I forgot to put the handbrake on in my car which led to it running over me with my daughter in my arms. I had minor wounds and she died. It’s really helpful to hear others stories, I have always grappled with the heaviness of wanting to be open about her death in that it was an accident, it was caused by my actions. And I was her caregiver, she was an barely a toddler and so reliant on me. I know this is a really heavy thing to talk… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 months ago
Reply to  Hanako Eden

Hanako – What beautiful words! It’s really inspiring to see how you are so genuine in your pain yet so determined in your hope. Like you, my accident killed someone. And no matter how many people say ‘Get over it, it was clearly not intentional’ the feelings of guilt just don’t go away. What I do arrive at though is that accidents like yours and mine HAPPEN ALL THE TIME. There are 40,000 people who die every year due to accident. Sometimes I like to think that if there are 40,000 accidental killers each year, 40,000 people who have to… Read more »

Jay
Jay
4 months ago
Reply to  Hanako Eden

Hanako,
What an amazingly insightful person you are. There is so much clarity in your thoughts…and so much hope. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Jill
Jill
5 months ago

I hope no one feels I’m disrespecting or diminutizing their experience as mine was not with a person. My neglect led to the brutal murder of my sweet, innocent dog. Coming up on the two year anniversary. I feel compelled to end my life soon; was hoping reading relatable experiences would help but definitely not. Every comment, every story I’ve read on this website was someone who made a genuine mistake. All accidents. No blatant neglect, like me. I do feel this exploration and revelation was meant to point me in the correct direction. I wish I could give him… Read more »

Last edited 5 months ago by Jill
Mary
Mary
5 months ago
Reply to  Jill

I don’t want to say the wrong thing so I will keep it brief so as to let others with perhaps more insight respond. All I will say is please explore all avenues of help if you haven’t already…counseling, EMDR, etc. I would also suggest joining the group discussions once a month. You will meet a great group of people who will give you hope.

Last edited 5 months ago by Mary
Elizabeth
Elizabeth
5 months ago
Reply to  Mary

Please do not end your life. There are resources – professionals, individuals who have experienced what you’ve experienced and survived, programs and therapy and snooks and speakers and treatment, videos, conferences, etc. If you are feeling suicidal
And planning to end your life, please seek immediate help. Call 911. If you are in need of someone to talk to, there are online chats and crisis text lines that are anonymous.

Reach out. You are not alone. There is hope.

Hanako Eden
Hanako Eden
5 months ago
Reply to  Jill

Hey Jill, I’m so sorry that your feeling such depth of pain. It doesn’t matter that it was a pet, rather than a human, our pets are our family – the fact you are in so much pain from what happened really seems to reflect how much you loved them. You mentioned you’re hurting so much that you’re thinking of suicide, is there anything you can do to keep your self safe right now? The fact you’re here and reaching out to this support group is really brave and tells me there might be a part of you that wants… Read more »

Kind2u
Kind2u
5 months ago
Reply to  Jill

Jill, no one ever wants events like these to occur, I know that in your heart you would still want your dog to be here with you, u are valuable to God, you are worth living, he knows ur thoughts and collects your tears so I ask that Jesus heals you from condemnation, guilt and trauma, and that u will find peace love and joy in him, someone who loves you dearly, so keep living u are worth everyday gifted from our Heavenly Father, so fight for it because I know he’s fighting for u, God bless u

Jami
Jami
3 months ago
Reply to  Jill

Your dog is no less important as any of the other stories. Dogs are FAMILY! Just know that your dog most likely didnot fully understand what happened but knew that his human was there for him in his last moments. Sorry for your loss❤

Nanci
Nanci
1 month ago
Reply to  Jami

Thank you for reaching out Jill and sharing your devastating experience with your dog. I too contributed to my dogs death and can not forgive myself. I am having so many feelings I hear expressed here and am grateful to have found this site. Thank you all for understanding how important taking any life can be and sharing your feelings that let us know we are not alone and that there is hope.

Shalee
Shalee
6 months ago

This past Wednesday, May 19th, I was backing out of my driveway to go get me and my Dad something to eat. I have to back up a hill to get out, and it creates a blind spot as my car is backing up. I had just left my Dad in the house upstairs, but in the time it took me to go back downstairs, get my purse and keys and get in my car, unbeknownst to me my Dad had gone outside to walk up and down the driveway with his walker. He was in that blind spot and… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 months ago
Reply to  Shalee

Hi Shalee- Thank you so much for opening up about something so hurtful – I commend you for your bravery. What we know about normal humans is that we are tremendously caring creatures. Most of us are really helpful, loving people – so when we behave differently we suffer an injury – this is called a moral injury – something that, even in unintentional cases, causes us great distress. So yes, where you are absolutely stinks. It is painful – physically, psychologically, spiritually, etc. However, what normal humans also have the capacity to do, on most occasions, is to overcome.… Read more »

Sarah
Sarah
4 months ago
Reply to  Shalee

In 2009 I accidentally started a fire in my house carelessly neglectfully resulting in the death of my father… I was charged with negligent manslaughter and did 9 years in prison.. I’ve been out three and I thought I dealt with the pain of the loss, however I feel like it’s only just beginning and it’s beginning to affect my marriage… I was an only child my mother and father had been married 31 years and my whole life I felt like nothing but a screw up and I don’t understand why I didn’t go and he stayed… I have… Read more »

Jay
Jay
4 months ago
Reply to  Shalee

Shalee,
My heart is breaking for you. This grieving process takes a lot of time and you are just at the very beginning. I hope you can find some small comfort in reading stories here (like Hanakos’s above). It really does help to know you are not alone. Hang in there and reach out for help as soon as you can. Counseling can help.

Anonymous
Anonymous
6 months ago

I read an article a long time ago about the devastation of accidentally causing a death and the lack of resources available to help a person cope with the aftermath, and the article referenced your organization. Then, some time ago I received an email from Accidental Impacts, a survey, if I remember correctly. I had no idea what Accidental Impacts was until I followed the link and then I remembered the article I read. Still, I thought the email was odd; I don’t remember signing up for anything. Then last week a young family member of mine was hit by… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 months ago
Reply to  Anonymous

Amen. Thanks for sharing this – your words of encouragement are beautiful.

Nicole
Nicole
5 months ago
Reply to  Anonymous

Beautiful advice- I am beyond grateful for finding this site and hearing from another loving soul on the side of a hurting family bc it involves 2 hurting families. People do not realize the damage that comes from this, the eternal pain and impact of knowing you’re involved in such a tragedy. Thank you for speaking up.

Wil Carter
Wil Carter
6 months ago

I’m right there with you brother. My accident was almost 30 years ago and I just now found this site. You are waaay younger than I, so do your time and remember that it was an accident and it is not who you are. You can still have a long and beautiful life.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
5 months ago
Reply to  Wil Carter

Thanks for this encouragement Will. Good words. It’s what I needed to hear.

Tom
Tom
7 months ago

Nearly one year ago I woke up in jail. I had no idea how I had gotten there. Upon speaking to an officer, I learned I was being charged with vehicular homicide while under the influence. I wave of anger, guilt, and remorse, among a host of other feelings flooded my thoughts, and I still have the same feelings with the same intensity a year later. I later learned that in the middle of a blackout caused my excessive drinking, I had gotten into my car and eventually crashed into a house. A grandfather and husband was sleeping in his… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
7 months ago
Reply to  Tom

Hi Tom- Wow. What a story. Thank you so much for sharing it. I can SO relate to much of what you’re saying, as a fellow accidental killer I grapple with similar feelings. Finding the will to live may come after a deeper realization that you are more than the worst thing you’ve ever done. It may come after reading many of these accounts that tell us how people have managed to put themselves back together after doing similar things. And it may not come at all. People are crushed by these things all the time. Finding the will to… Read more »

Erin
Erin
2 months ago
Reply to  Tom

Hi Tom,

I am going through the exact same thing. A drunken mistake ended a life of an 18 year old and almost a 12 year old. It was the perfect storm that night and I think about it every single day. You are not alone in feeling hopeless and lost. Please feel free to message me- I feel like noone knows what I am going through. Hang in there..

Bekah
Bekah
1 month ago
Reply to  Erin

Both Erin and Tom, I well know the pain, hurt, remorse, guilt and sadness you both feel. My accident was 22 years ago- though it feels like yesterday… I was 25 at the time. I wish I could say the soul crushing emotions ease with time- but, for me, it has not HOWEVER, this is also my very first time in 22 years that I’ve had the opportunity to reach out to those that have walked, or are walking in my shoes… On a very deep, personal level, it has been a very lonesome existence since that tragic night, all… Read more »

Wiola Wojo
Wiola Wojo
7 months ago

Hi… I’m searching potentially for someone who hit a woman in Brooklyn in February 2006? That woman is my mother and I would really just like to find this person to talk to them. My mom passed away a few weeks ago, from being a non verbal quadriplegic for 16 years from the injuries of the accident. I was 8 years old at the time. I just wondered all these years if this man even ever thought about it … the impact that it had on my family… the absolute impact it had on my mommy … this forum gives… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
7 months ago
Reply to  Wiola Wojo

Dear Wiola – What kind sentiments and good intentions you express! Thank you for sharing your heart here. Yes, this forum can help bring healing – and your story definitely adds to that. We know that unless we are sociopaths or suffer some related mental deficiency, humans suffer tremendously when they harm someone. I know of a study that indicates the vast majority of Civil War soldiers who fired bullets at the enemy deliberately tried to miss their targets. We were not created to harm our own species. We don’t know what the person who harmed your mother is going… Read more »

April
April
7 months ago

I thought I had overcome my guilt but I was wrong. It has been 11 years since my best friend and I played with a gun and it went off and I accidentally fatally shot her. We were both 15. I think I pushed the trauma so far down that now that it is resurfacing I can no longer control it. I won’t lie, I have considered suicide these past few days. A couple times a year someone who still has anger towards me about it (I can’t blame them) will message me on social media or will message my… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
7 months ago
Reply to  April

Hi April – Thank you so much for posting! You are experiencing the same kind of trauma as tens of thousands of others have experienced but who keep it bottled up. And one way or another, therapists say, it comes out of the bottle – in word and/or action it does not go away. Thank you for opening up. I agree wholeheartedly with MaryAnn who answered this previously, that counseling is a great idea. One of the things that you’ll find as you go along on the journey is that there is no magic solution. There is no hidden cure.… Read more »

Mary Ann
Mary Ann
7 months ago

I am reading many of the responses that Chris has written. As a member of this wonderful group, all I can say to anyone considering joining in on a monthly fellowship meeting is ‘do it’. I have met some of the kindest people I have ever met in my life. Though my circumstances are different as a loss of life did not occur in my case and what I did was purely neglectful and totally out of character for me and was based on my own recent trauma, I still feel the guilt and shame of having hurt someone I… Read more »

May
May
7 months ago

I found this site after my husband was involved in fatal car accident. It was extremely difficult to watch him process and go through the aftermath of the accident. As a mental health professional, I was at a loss with how to cope with this and how to help my husband cope with this. It has been over two years since the accident and it is still a daily thought for me and I am sure it is for my husband as well. We still suffer from the consequences from that accident (emotionally, financially and legally). Slowly things are returning… Read more »

Chris
Chris
7 months ago
Reply to  May

Dear May- Thank you so much for reaching out! We are delighted you’re here. As a mental health professional your husband is in much better hands than many! Please feel free to pop into our monthly support group meetings – you and/or your husband – they’re on Zoom and if you want to listen only that’s fine – just turn off your camera and hear the stories and coping narratives of others – it’s been really healing for me. Please know that we take every accident seriously – that there is always more than one person harmed – and that… Read more »

Dena
Dena
8 months ago

I lost my son to a tragic FREAK accident January 2, 2021. My son Angel had bought a new gun & Christian wanted to see it. When he looked at it he told Angel it wasn’t working so he passed the gun to Angel. The gun went off & hit my son in the chest. Angel got on the phone calling 911 to try to save his brother among others in the house calling for EMT. The police showed up & drew guns on Angel & got him in the police car. I was so shocked because this was truly… Read more »

Chris
Chris
7 months ago
Reply to  Dena

Dena – I am simply stunned after reading your story. This is so wrong on so many levels. I want to encourage you to read through this site – and to come to our monthly support group meetings on Zoom – our community is filled with people like you – and we do help each other. Please reach out to me personally if I can be of any help – your story should not end here – justice needs to be served. Know that there are people who understand what it’s like to feel this way – and who have… Read more »

Dena
Dena
7 months ago
Reply to  Chris

Thank you Chris. I don’t have a clue as to how to join a zoom class. [email protected] is my email please reach out to me there. I can try to get help on joining your class.

Dena Martinez

Cheryl
Cheryl
9 months ago

I have been searching for a place to air my guilt/ regret/ remorse over probably unknowingly infecting my husband with Covid. He died., and I realize now my non classic symptoms were taken lightly and the result is devastating. I feel so responsible and undeserving of any sympathy…We loved each other so much..

Antoine
Antoine
8 months ago
Reply to  Cheryl

Hello Cheryl. I feel for you and understand what you are going through I think: A few days before Christmas I have killed my beloved wife of 38 years by making a wrong medical decision. I grieve while fighting my guilt, toward her, toward my children, toward her family…

I miss her terribly! Everything I’ve built for the future was centered around her; SHE was my future ! And I scr**ed-it-up and I suffer so much!

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
7 months ago
Reply to  Antoine

Antoine – Such unimaginable pain – and the complexities in which you are immersed! Thank you for writing about it. When we share our stories with others here we have no idea how we may be assisting – we get about 75-100 page views a day – and we know that people who do what we’ve done are not eager to broadcast it. But we can be eager to learn more about it – and your candid admission may really help someone. Please know that you are valued here and we are a community of concern and care. Also know… Read more »

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
7 months ago
Reply to  Cheryl

Hi Cheryl – How devastating. How heart-wrenching. How tragic. You are right to feel so hurt. On this site you will find people who have experienced similar things – and have found a way to cope – a way to get through it. Do try to read their stories. These are things we never get over – but we can find a way to get through. Also, do know that you are not alone in this. Know that there are people who care about you – I am one – And this site is here for you. Do come to… Read more »

Mary
Mary
10 months ago

I would love to hear from anyone who has had success with emdr, particularly if you are in or around the Boston area, though i would love to hear from anyone anywhere who has had success. I would really like to explore this type of therapy. Thanks,

MMDR
MMDR
10 months ago
Reply to  Mary

My husband is a combat veteran and successfully did EMDR. I did as well and it worked for both of us. I highly recommend it. We are in Texas, so I don’t have a referral for you in Boston, but please find someone who will do this with you. It’s safe and effective and can only help you!

Mary
Mary
9 months ago
Reply to  MMDR

Thanks….that is encouraging. I have been diligently trying to find someone and have had no success.

Karen
Karen
9 months ago
Reply to  Mary

Hi Mary,

Psychology Today has a therapist finder that allow you to filter by location and type of therapy (and other variables including what insurance they accept). I found several pages of providers in Boston who do EMDR. Please see https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/emdr/ma/boston?sid=602997852f379

Mary
Mary
9 months ago
Reply to  Karen

Thanks Karen. I have utilized that resource. Many of the therapists are not taking new patients and many are only ‘trained’ not certified which makes a big difference from what I have learned. I am happy to say that I did find a certified one relatively close to my home. I start in a week. Thank you for your assistance.

Karen
Karen
9 months ago
Reply to  Mary

That’s great to hear, Mary. I hope you find it beneficial.

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
8 months ago
Reply to  Mary

I first learned of EMDR as part of a trauma therapy program at a large university about 40 minutes from my home. I am not from Boston; however, I did a quick search using the terms “EMDR in Boston” and “university in Boston EMDR” and there were several results. I’ll post the links to a few here and maybe that will help you or at least provide some resources that you can use to locate a provider. I had great success with EMDR. The most important factor (in my opinion) is to establish trust with the therapist prior to starting… Read more »

Mary
Mary
8 months ago
Reply to  Elizabeth

Thanks very much! I actually did find a therapist who I really feel a connection to. May I ask how Emdr has helped you? Thanks again…..

Forrest Lang
9 months ago
Reply to  MMDR

I have successfully done EMDR. The first time was in 2000 after I accidentally shot and killed my best friend. It did a lot to mitigate the flashbacks.
Currently I am doing it again.

Mary
Mary
9 months ago
Reply to  Forrest Lang

Thank you Forrest. I am so happy that it helped you, Good luck with your next session,

ricky
ricky
8 months ago
Reply to  Forrest Lang

i accidentally shot and killed my friend in 2003 when i was 18, i did 7 1/2 years in prison for it. ive always felt bad and remorseful but the past 2 years its come on as if im dealing with it for the first time. why is this happening so long afterwards.

Chris Yaw
Chris Yaw
7 months ago
Reply to  ricky

Hi Ricky- Thank you for posting here. Your question about why this is happening to you so long – 18 years – after the fact is a testament to our human nature. We’re not wired to intentionally harm members of our own species. And when we do – esp. when we kill someone like we’ve both done – this often wounds us for life. Grief is a very funny thing. It is more present in some than others. And it’s more present at some times than others. It’s unpredictable. I has its own time table. On this site you’ll find… Read more »

Dena
Dena
7 months ago
Reply to  ricky

Ricky please reach out to me. My son accidentally shot his brother January 2. 2021 I’d love nothing more then for you to speak to my son as he will now have to grieve the loss of his brother at the hands of his own self even though it was a tragic FREAK accident I wanna meet others who know how my son will feel for the rest of his life. I worry about his mental health & fear he’ll lose himself in the process. He will be in therapy & have a family to love him through this process.… Read more »