Coping with Causing a Serious Accident
A Site for Information, Support, and Healing
Who We Are
We are good people who have unintentionally harmed others, in accidents occurring on the roads, at work, at play, or around the home. I call us CADI’s (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). Most of us feel grief, guilt, and distress about our accidents. Over time, we learn that our mistake does not have to define us.
Who I am
I am a social psychologist and educator. I am also a CADI, as a result of an accident in which an 8-year old boy ran in front of my car and was killed. I have been talking with and writing about CADIs for over ten years.
Highlights
There is no easy path to peace. Each of us must find our own way through this dark night of the soul. Although we cannot change what happened, we can control how we respond. I believe that CADI’s face three challenges:
- Coping with emotional distress;
- Wrestling with responsibility and with moral injury;
- Honoring our experience, and those we harmed, by becoming better, stronger people. In this, we find hope and growth.
In this site, I share information and resources that may be helpful to you. I encourage you to share your ideas and experience. You can write me privately here, or add your comments so that other readers can benefit from your input.
Hello I’m so happy my friend sent this site to me.
Last Saturday I was in a accident in Delaware around 1:40am. I was driving on 95 and thought I saw something in the road. What I thought was a deer was a woman walking in the middle Lane. I hit her going 60 killing her on impact. Now I’m really going through it mentelly…need help seriously.
I am relieved to find this site. Two weeks ago I was on my way to work very early in the dark. I collided with a man on a motorcycle. He died last week. I am all over the place emotionally and trying to hold it together. Iāll be fine for a little while and function like normal at work, but once my mind isnāt engaged elsewhere itās all I think about. The man had a child and one on the way. My husband wonāt listen to me say anything about feeling guilty or to blame, he just gets angry.… Read more »
When I was 22 I was involved in a hunting accident where a 14 year old son of a friend was shot and killed. I was not the guy with the gun, but I did make decisions that contributed to the kids being in the wrong place. I am not 38 and have been through 2 marriages. The last to a women who is s paranoid schizophrenic. This has meant she is not allowed to see our daughter, and I’m a full time Dad to 2 kids, working full time. I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression and I’m really… Read more »
22 years ago, I was 20, I was the driver in a drunk driving accident that killed my best friend. Not only were we best friends, but our families had also been long time friends. I became the town pariah. I immediately became “that guy”, the villain in everyone’s movie. On a few occasions different people said to me, “oh you’re the one who killed that boy”. I eventually moved away and except for 3 times never talked about it. The 3 times I had was because I had been in relationships and had to explain my, at the least,… Read more »
My name is Will, I am responsible for the death of a dear friend. I have suffered from alcohol/substance abuse from the age of 14. When I was 19 years old, under the influence of drugs and alcohol, I accidentally shot and killed my friend as we were playing with a gun. He was only 16, and had just had a baby. To make things worse, I tried to protect myself by lying, as did others who were there when it happened. I was soon arrested and charged with second degree murder. I was eventually sentenced to 8 years in… Read more »
I agree opening up and talking is the best thing to do to heal your pain
5 months ago, I pulled in front of a car, the guy driving the other car was ok. I busted a leg banged My head good. My passenger was killed, he was my uncle, he and I were vietnam vets same time same place, we both are service connected PTSD vets. There was pot and beer in my car, the charges are bad, really bad. 8 charges 3 felonies. I could give a shit actually. My injury is not my leg and it feels too severe, it is mortal/fatal and it’s gotten way worse instead of better, I’ve got kids… Read more »
Larry, I believe you 1st need to find a way in your heart to forgive yourself.
I’ve hidden this accident from my new BF. Is this something I have to tell him? I feel incredible shame because of it… but I also feel like Im keeping secrets from him as well and dont know if he has a right to know, or if I have a right to keep it to myself?
I have so far never had a CADI incident before, so take my advice for what’s worth, your bf might not understand the pain your going through right now, or he might, i feel like only you can answer that question. just know whatever you do you have this community and me who dont see you as a bad person.
I am a 63 year old woman. Two days ago, I ran a stop sign and hit a car with a family with two very young children. I was looking for an address and distracted. Thankfully, everyone survived without major injury but the image of those young parents frantically trying to get their children extracted from their mangled vehicle is haunting me constantly. I pray thanksgiving to the Lord over and over that they survived but the thought that I could have killed this sweet family is overwhelming.
My boyfriend was almost killed by an Uber driver – the driver hit him while distracted by the Uber app on his phone. He had a brain bleed, and he was in ICU for a while, but he mostly recovered. We know it was an accident and we don’t bear the driver any ill will. Should we contact the driver and tell him that? We’re worried about hurting him.
I think that would be a nice thing to do. I’m sure they would appreciate it. I really hope you guys end up okay.
From my own experience involving a fatal accident, to hear from you that you hold no blame for him, would definately help his recovery.
I’m not sure that I will be able to join the group due to the fact that it was my husband who accidentally hit a pedestrian, and she died 4 days later. I am having a hard time finding any information online to help my husband through this. He is constantly filled with guilt and blame, and many other things I’m sure. He doesn’t talk very much and just zones out, so I usually just give him space. I am hoping I can get advice from others on how to help him through this
I am so sorry. This happened to my husband a few years ago. Looking back, I think counselling was the best thing my husband did. Do try to look after you and find yourself support too; I found that the first rule of caring and helping someone else is to look after the carer which is you. Be kind to yourselves.
How does a friend and work supervisor participate in this support for a mechanic that has worked for me for twenty plus years?
To the tune of At Seventeen by Janis Ian My life was changed at 17, in ways that could not be foreseen, Carefree youth came to an end, hidden deep from all my friends The laughter and the good time had, covered for a soul so sad, In years ahead iād come to know, at 17 my life was changed. It appeared to all with smiling faces, I was only going through the paces, Inside of me was total shock, if iād only had the chance to talk. Someone please come rescue me, and save me from my deep despair,… Read more »
Hello. I am skeptically optimistic about writing here. My accident was over 20 years ago in which I went through a yellow light and did not see the Mac truck coming. Three people in my car passed. One of my best friends, another friend and someone to whom I was just giving a ride and did not know. Iāve thought everything I could think about this accident and myself, Ive been diagnosed with PTSD and live with that but please donāt take that as a complaint. I donāt know what Iām looking for here but Iām just taking the first… Read more »
Mae, thank you for sharing your story. I have come to strongly dislike the sentiment stated from family or friends āI understand ā, so Iām not going to say that to you. I will say Iāve been through a very similar experience and it has haunted me for 30+ years. I share in your pain and if youāre like me, the pain has helped me to feel connected to the precious life that was lost. He died because of my actions, even if it was a horrible accident. Hanging onto pain may seem self destructive, but itās a part of… Read more »
Dear All, I found this website whileĀ looking for a way how to help my father. He caused a car accident resulting in the death of my grandma – his mother. He blames himself, he asks “what kind of son am I?” I said he got distracted and suddenly he found himself in the opposite line and crashed into another car. They, luckily, got out with just light injuries (it was a small van). I’m obviously very sad and in grief for my grandma. But I’m also worried about my dad. He had a heart attack a few years back. The… Read more »
Hello my name is Katie , and my dad is a CADI ,he over corrected and rolled his car, killing my uncle in the passenger seat. I donāt know how to help him emotionally. And I was wondering if any of you guys had any suggestions on how I can help him. He blames himself (granted he was DD) and I donāt know how to ease the guilt. Any suggestions????
Iāve got one thatās a little left field. Does this site include āpsychological accidental deathā? An ex who I was super close with recently committed suicide and I feel hugely responsible. She had a devastating divorce, domestic violence was involved, she reached out to me for help. I spent the next 3 years helping her on and off as she was severely depressed, Id always cared for her very deeply but for situations out of our control we were unable to be together, I was married and did not want to give that up, but it got to the point… Read more »
Has anyone ever contacted the family of the victim many years after the accident? Every day I wake up thinking about the man I accidentally killed (30 years ago) and his widow. I would like to apologize to her again and let her know that I have not forgotten. During my trial she was extremely āpositiveā, understood that it was an accident and pleaded for leniency for me.
I first came across this website years ago. It helped me so much to know there were other people who went through something similar to me. I accidentally shot and killed my best friend when I was 23 years old. I am 42 now. I went on trial for murder and was subsequently acquitted. I went back in the military and tried to give my life in Iraq to make amends. I punished myself for years. How could I possibly deserve to enjoy life after what I had done? Through years of therapy, ayahuasca one time, vulnerability, personal growth seminars,… Read more »
Hi. I too 5 years ago accidentally shot and killed my niece. I went through a very similar situation (if not exact). Over the past 5 years I have worked so hard to try and get my life together. I started a new job about a year ago and have been doing well for myself. Then yesterday happened. I knew it may someday, but someone at work googled me and found my arrest and showed it to all the other employees. Iām having a hard time…Iām not even sure if I should go back to work. I feel ashamed, lost,… Read more »
Your story is very near my heart and gives me hope that I will one day find peace. I have been through 2 failed marriages since my shooting accident and am struggling to be a full time Dad and not breakdown at the moment.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Help please! I am not a CADI myself, but 5 days ago my 80 year old grandfather accidentally ran over my 83 year old grandmother in their driveway. She died later that night. I am dealing with my own grief, yes, and it is very intense, but Iām here at this site for him. My heart breaks for him and his grief and guilt scare me so much that I have yet to talk to him. I guess Iām on the internet looking for the words to say. I love him dearly. Not only did he accidentally kill someone, it… Read more »
This story starts off and makes more sense with some previous information and context. I had an abusive father who became a father at the age of 19 and for years even to this day since my parents have been divorced, he has been both emotionally and physically abusive to my mother and I (strangely, not my sister,;but he is still toxic.) A couple months ago (5 to be exact), I just turned seventeen and I had always been a conscious and slightly paranoid driver (I am afraid intensely of what could happen or things that aren’t familiar.) I had… Read more »
Hi, folks. Sixteen years ago I was involved in an accidental killing at the age of 18. As the driver of the vehicle who struck a pedestrian, I have struggled to find the proper outlet. I am also an author, and am in the process of telling my story, as well as diving into the world of accidental killers; the guilt we live with, and how we can cope. I would very much be interested in speaking to people here on the forum for my book. If you’re willing to speak with me, please email me at jgunderson85@gmail.com. Your story/experience… Read more »
Two years ago I was invoked in a vehicle accident and the driver of the vehicle had passed. I struggle daily to move forward and come to terms I was not 100% at fault. I feel like those around me donāt understand the impact itās had on me emotionally and physically.
Iām hoping to find a few people that can give advice on how to move on.
I understand, Iām going thru it too. I have good days and bad, I think of the accident and man passing everyday. Nicole, it was an accident. I donāt have any magic answers for you but keep your chin up and just push on. I donāt mean forget about it I donāt think any of us in this situation will ever forget it I mean we just have to push on and handle everything day by day. Itās been 2.5 weeks for me and not a day goes by I donāt think about it. I wish a thousand times over… Read more »
Hi Jason, please share your email address
Hi Nicole – I am so sorry you have gone through this. And like many people on this site, I too did the same thing. Please know that there are a lot of people in this situation who have been able to move through it – which means you can do. While we have never met, I would bet that you have faced some pretty serious sh** in your life and made it through – with the people who are encouraging you here and with your higher power – I bet you can do this too. It’s not easy –… Read more »
I am going through the same thoughts. Two years ago I had my accident too. I killed a pedestrian. I think about it everyday. I feel like the people around me don’t understand exactly either. I have good days and bad ones. If you need anyone to talk to I am always available.
Hi Brittany please share your email address
4 days ago I was involved in a auto accident that took a gentlemanās life. I was in a left turn lane and initially had a red, I stopped. Once it turned green I couldnāt go because cars were in intersection blocking my path to the on ramp. Some cars moved up and someone motioned me thru and coming from somewhere was a gentleman on a moped and we hit. I never saw him. I cannot express the sadness and pain I feel. Iām still in disbelief and I canāt believe this happened. I pray for his family and mine.… Read more »
Praying for you!! If you would like to talk…please reply
Today Mark’s one year since I was driving home from Eastern Washington. I had my 5 children in the car and we were on the final leg of our journey. We had just stopped for happy meals and were 1 hour away from home. The normal road was blocked so I decided to take the route it seemed like other traffic was going, maybe a short cut. After 10 minutes of driving we were getting nowhere, I turned around and headed back to the main road to wait for it to open. All of a sudden something crashed into my… Read more »
New here, Been 6 years since my accident.. give me a minute while I put my words together..š
My name is Chandrakant Raghunathrao Shinde. I am 69 years old. A general medical practitioner. GP. Kolhapur India. On 21/January/2019 at about 8.30pm my mother developed mild tremors of her left upper limb at home. With 40 years in medical practice i knew it was CVA. I also know that in such cases the patient has to be transferred immediately to a hospital. But i did not do so. I kept her at home to see whether the disease progresses. 7am, 22/January/2019 she developed left hemiplegia. I took her to hospital. She was discharged on 01/February/2019, unable to move, bedridden.… Read more »
This is a great sight. I have only been on here for a short while but it has helped me move along with my issue then I have moved in the 48 years since I had a terrible accident.
Two days ago, I was involved in an accident that was completely my fault. I was coming home from work and turning right on a green light. I did not look hard enough when I was turning and I hit a cyclist who was crossing the street. I couldn’t even believe that it happened and reality didn’t seem real in the moment. People were shouting at me calling me a “fucking idiot” and honking like crazy right after it happened. I checked to make sure the man was okay, but the police rushed to the scene and wanted us to… Read more »
I am SO sorry this happened to you. Something like this could have happened to me. I was cleaning and bumped into a low heavy table with metal rims which I had put on its side to clean, while forgetting that the bars were not in the open doorwindows. It fell in the garden where normally a whole family is sitting, and It fell on a point, if they would have been there somebody skull would have been crushed. Strangely no onther neighbour saw it and I could take the object back without anyone knowing or freaking out. But since… Read more »
Tonight, I experienced my first real episode of PTSD. In August of 2018, I was driving home from work at 10 pm and I struck and killed an elderly woman as she was crossing the street. It was dark out and this part of the road was not well lit, she had dementia and often left her house at night to find her missing cat that never existed. Before I knew it, she stepped in the road and my car hit her. I saw her out of the corner of my eye at the very last second, but that didnāt… Read more »
My 23 year old son accidentally shot my 16 year old in my house. I was in the next room when the shot was fired. I took care of my grandson until EMS arrived. My grandson survived and is paralyzed. He is making good progress thank the Lord! Who knows, he may fully recover, he may only partially recover. We are carrying tremendous guilt over this. My son for causing the accident, my husband and I for not securing our guns. All our children and grandchildren know how to handle guns. My grandson will not let us blame ourselves. We… Read more »
Hi there I am from Northern Ireland. I am 42 years old with three great kids and a husband I adore for the last 20 yrs. I buried my dad two weeks ago and yesterday I hit an elderly woman with my car . I was pulling out of a car park onto a main road and one minute there was no one there and the next minute there she was. She was injured still don’t know how badly and I have never felt anything like the shame and guilt I feel…i feel like I’m dying inside. I pray to… Read more »
Bridaine Shannon, it does get better. Day by grueling day. I wonder if you know more about her condition now? It was clearly an accident- I know that sounds so trite, but it is true. You would have never hurt someone on purpose. I send prayers of peace for you during this time of grief for your father. These things happening so close together has to make you feel as if you are losing touch with reality. I know these accidents are so difficult to face, knowing we have hurt others even unintentionally is such a heavy burden on our… Read more »
Hi Jen Thanks for your lovely message. She has lived and not even a broken bone. I’m glad she is ok and I do feel alot better knowing she is going to be ok. I was lucky and so was she and I’m so sorry not everyone gets to feel the relief I felt when I found out she had a few stitches that would heal in time. My shame and guilt like to eat away at me and with every bad thing that has happened since like my 13 yr old needing emergency surgery just feels like a punishment… Read more »
Iām 46 right now and at the time of the incident I was 29. My 5th child was born on the day it happened. I was a bartender for a pretty scummy bar on a rough part of town. I got into fights with people I kicked out and whatnot. One night, a man who I previously fought and embarrassed (I am still ashamed of it), came to the bar with a shotgun. He pointed at my head and I did what I could. I pushed him back and I was going to grab the gun or run. I wasnāt… Read more »
I am writing because I feel like Iām having an odd emotional reaction to my situation and Iām hoping to find others that may have experienced something similar or can help me understand whatās going on. Hereās the unemotional facts of the situation: In Summer of 2018 I was driving home from a bar, and a couple, who was also highly intoxicated, had pulled over on the shoulder of the freeway to switch drivers. The woman, who was the passenger, had her door open and was getting out of her side when I hit the rear corner of their car.… Read more »
I do not think you are selfish. However, you feel is valid & its okay. Everyone deals with trauma differently. I’m no expert but I think the fact that you have perspective on the accident & the other contributing factors is a good thing. My experience is very different from yours. My dog died bcuz I froze when she needed me. She was everything to me & it was traumatic to me. But I need you to know that I am not comparing or pretending I could possibly understand what you are going through. I would crumble. You sound like… Read more »
My 14 yr old son accidentally shot and killed his best friend. I don’t know if it is harder to loose a child in one swift act or to slowly loose one every day. He says he can deal with this on his own, though he is in counseling. The legal issues are still on-going. He is treated horribly in our town and at school. He will not turn to me or anyone. There are no support groups for us and even if there were, not sure he would ever go, how do I help my son? He lost the… Read more »
Hi Donna, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have dome psychological support from professionals but speaking with others who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic. You and/ or your son are more than welcome to join us. Hang in there, mom. Much love to you! -Tree Admin@accidentalcasualties.com
Donna I am so very sorry! Just being there! He is grieving and processing this reality. But you arenāt alone, it feels that way but you arenāt. Search for cases like yours and try to find community. ā¤ļø Prayers for you all!
I am very sorry, Donna. I donāt know what to say, other than you, your son, and family are in my thoughts and prayers.
On May 4th I was on my way to pick up my fiance from work, Its about .7 miles from our home. It was dark and I was driving the speed limit. My brother was killed in a similar accident 12/21/12 so I am a careful driver. Then something hit my car and I pulled over instantly. I got out of the car and saw a bike. I was outraged that someone threw a bike at my van. I began to approach the bike and I saw white socks. It was all I could see. I approached the man, he… Read more »
Oh Kay, I am so sorry for your pain and trauma. We have a support group for CADIs on Facebook that is 70 strong of the most incredible humans ever, full of empathy, advice, support. Please consider reaching out. You can find us through the Facebook link on the website below for AccidentalCasualties dot com or reach me directly at admin@accidentalcasualties.com We are all going through the same emotions, grief, trial, tribulations. We also have PTSD – specific counselors in group. I am the “Patricia” in the New Yorker article “The Sorrow & Shame of the Accidental Killer”. As I… Read more »
Theresa – How do I find your FB group. I had reached out a year ago, but never remembered getting a response or if I did I did not see it. I am also a survivor of a fatal MVA – I am 2 1/2 post accident and have learned that you do survive these tragedies. Like you, I feel a strong calling to help others who have been through these tragedies.
You can reach the Facebook group by visiting accidentalcasualties.com.
Iām really sorry to hear about this tragedy and the trauma youāre going through. I went through it, too. And it was the hardest thing I ever went through. Even 6 years later, I still get those ugly, dark feelings that come from taking a persons life. It will haunt me forever, I think. I donāt feel like any words will make you feel better, but just know that there are people out there who are going through the same thing as you and youāre not alone. And also, just remember that it was just an unfortunate accident and not… Read more »
Kay, I just read your story and mine is just too similar. Loosing a brother to a motorcycle accident by a vehicle turning left – I was 15 and learned to survive. Then, at age 40 I was involve in the same accident with a motorcycle, but I was the vehicle turning left. I am post 2 1/2 years my accident and it has changed my life. I understand everything you are going through. I’m sending my love and peace to you.
I too had a similar experience this past June . The motorcyclist died on scene. I think about it every day. I am still in counseling and learning how to deal with my feelings but itās hard. I am forever changed. Itās nice to hear from others who have been through this as well. My prayers are with you all. I would love to be a part of the private Facebook group. I feel like I still have a long journey ahead in several aspects. Thanks for reading.
Hi Kristin,
We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals but speaking with others who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic.
:::hugs:::
-Theresa “Tree”
Hi Kay,
First, thanks so much for sharing your story. I just discovered this website last night and I’m so relieved that this community exists.
Re: your comment about wanting to reach out to the family but now knowing how – have you heard of restorative justice? Here’s a link to an accidental death case that may be of interest to this group. I know a lot of people who have found peace through facilitated dialogue – restorative justice can be life-changing for everyone.
https://www.timescolonist.com/news/local/restorative-justice-offers-a-way-for-peace-to-come-from-tragedy-1.946370
So glad that I found this site as I’ve been dealing with some PTSD-like issues from my accident lately. Mostly intrusive thoughts and flash-backs but also nightmares. I am a 40-year-old woman. I caused a fatal car accident when I was just 17 years old. In less than a week, it will be the 23rd anniversary of the accident. I made a left-hand turn in front of an on-coming vehicle, causing the death of the driver of that vehicle. He was a man in his 30’s with two young children. To make things worse, I had my best friend with… Read more »
It really helped me reading this. My accident was at 28, but I was just beginning to get my life on track after mental health difficulties starting around age 14, so in a way it all joins up. My chance to finally move on was taken away. For what itās worth it sounds like youāve done something really good in your life, with your choice of career, even if itās a struggle at the moment.
M. Derang,
We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals but speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic.
PS: There are a lot of nurses as well as first responders in the group. ā¤
-Theresa “Tree”
M. Derand, I can relay to what you are going through 48 years ago I had a serious accident which caused the life of my brother-in-law. Itās very hard to talk to other people about it because most donāt understand the position we are in so they will say that must be a terrible thing to go through but not much else and I can understand that. That is what makes this forum so special, we are all in similar circumstances and a big Thank You to Maryann Gray for creating this. I am trying to move forward and talk… Read more »
Two weeks ago, i was on my way home from work, excited to play video games and see my girlfriend. It was 10:15pm and i was on a very unlit highway in the Port of Tacoma. I checked my side mirror and blind spot to move over a lane and it was occupied, so as i looked back up i see a man maybe 10 feet in front of the car. i was going 60 miles an hour and my airbags exploded and my windshield shattered. i got the car to stop and the alarm was blaring from my car.… Read more »
Itās been three days and I relate.
how are you coping? I hope all is well with you.
It was not your fault. I havn’t told my story yet. I will one day.
The images stay but you have to know it wasn’ your fault. Just wrong place, wrong time.
That is what really helps me get through this. in 4 days will be 1 year since my accident, and i came to check on this post, i am glad i did. Alot of emotions are running around right now.
Would it help you to contribute some of your time to helping people who are homeless, or those with mental health issues? This would help others similarly unfortunate and who may be less likely to be hit by cars, bikes, trucks or trains as a result of your help.
Hello Timothy, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals but speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 are experiencing the same grief, etc. And are exceptionally caring and empathetic. I would urge you, however, to find a good psychologist, one that specializes in trauma and hopefully utilizes EMDR, ASAP. The sooner you… Read more »
I am also in Washington and would love to connect with you if you would like. My accident was 1 year ago today. A 9 year old little girl. Please reach out if you would like
Hello, you can send me an email at tynitim1@gmail.com if youd like to connect, it would be nice to talk to someone who understands
Being able to read that other people have gone through something similar is helpful. Dec 13/17 is when i caused a fatal accident. I was going to work (Iām an emt and was driving the work vehicle) and I didnāt stop at a stop sign. I was going 100km/hr and t boned another vehicle. I donāt remember any of the accident or that day, aside from waking up in the hospital. I was told that it was amazing that I was alive because I had some fairly serious injuries. I was also told that I wasnāt speeding, not on my… Read more »
You’re not alone and accidents happen like this all the time- happened to our family. We live with PTSD and regret even though the family of the victim has forgiven us. Every holiday and joyful time just seems empty because we know they are missing their loved one. Know you are in our thoughts
Chelsey, I experienced something similar to you. On December 12, 2017 I was going to see my sister. I had been going about 40 mph and it was snowing so much and the roads were very dangerous. I was on a two lane highway that had a median and then the other two lanes for oncoming traffic. I slid in the snow and it turned my car sideways. I went through the median into oncoming traffic and hit another car. That woman died at the scene. I was charged criminally, but I only ended up having my license suspended. I… Read more »
Jillian, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. Please feel free to join us. We’d be glad to have and support you! -Theresa “Tree”
33 years ago my dad died in a car accident caused by a distracted driver. My family forgave him at that time and I didn’t give any thought to the ongoing pain that he or his family would endure. He moved and I never reached out to tell him that we were ok and had forgiven him. I looked for him and found his daughter this year and was saddened to hear not only that he had died last year but that he needed to know that we forgave him to have peace and that we had not considered that.… Read more »
Dear Gerl, So very sorry to hear of the accident that claimed your father’s life and the pain you and your family and so many others had to endure. I’m sure his daughter appreciated your forgiveness. I’m grateful to hear that your family forgave the driver. It’s not often to hear this. You’ll never know how comforting it is to a driver to know some people really forgive. It helps more then you know. As a driver who’s accident claimed the life of my best friend after having a few drinks with beloved friends, my life changed in an instant.… Read more »
Geri,
You are a special, exceptional human being. ā¤
My bad decisions caused the death of my baby at 23 days old. I was irresponsible for going off birth control before starting my prenatal vitimins and before I stopped drinking and smoking on the weekends. I found out I was pregnant early, at about three weeks, and stopped all drinking and smoking, but had drank and smoked at a wedding the weekend before I found out. I knew it was in my childās best interest to get healthy before trying to conceive, but I didnāt, I just assumed everything would be fine. I feel like I gambled with her… Read more »
Dear Erin What I read is that you are a mom that loved and will always love your baby, but your beautiful baby was not for this world. Your beautiful baby was a special baby, maybe only sent to make you a mom. Your baby was loved for its entire life. Cherish the love you had and still have for your baby forever. They say our lives are mapped out for us before we are even born and that being the case it was God’s will and no intervention on your part could have changed God’s plan for you and… Read more »
Dear Erin, So very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you endure. I agree with Andorra. Some things we are just never going to understand. I fell and hit my stomach hard when I was 7 months pregnant for my son. As I took him for his well baby check ups in the next 3 or 4 months they kept measuring his head and saying it was below average and they wondered if he may be retarded. I told them about my fall and the Dr. told me he didn’t believe it had anything to do with… Read more »
Itās very unlikely your behaviour in the first few weeks of your pregnancy caused the heart defects. I wouldnāt blame myself at all, if I were you. (Maybe worth finding out if the heart defect was a genetic thing though).
You are a human being and we are fallible. You did your best and trusted the experts, as most of us do. You are not irresponsible, just human.
Itās 4 am and Iāve been up for hours reading everyoneās stories. While so unfortunate, it somehow helps to read them. Christmas Eve 2017, about 7 months ago, will forever be the worst day of my life. I left my apartment to pick up my little brother after from work. He was 16, I was 20. We were very close. It was his first job, and he had been working for about 2 weeks. I hadnāt seen him since he began working, so I was really excited to finally see him and talk to him. I pulled up to his… Read more »
It doesn’t get any easier but let me tell you the brother you lost will always forgive you as you would forgive him. Years ago I talked my brother into going with a friend and me on a joy ride with a car my friend had taken. We were in a wreck and my brother was killed so ask me if I feel guilty, hell yeah. I have since had children and realize life goes on and he would be so proud of my kids. When the guilt gets to be too much I always repeat to myself “he would… Read more »
Dear Maddie, I am so sorry for your loss. When I read your words, I got tears in my eyes. I am in the unique position of being a CADI and, separately, lost my ābabyā brother November 19, 2017. He was 27. The two events were not related but are both deeply painful. My CADI happened in 2010. A little boy who wasnāt being watched rode his bike in front of my car. He road from a side street directly into the path of my car. My view was obscured by a tall fence. I slammed my foot on the… Read more »
Have you joined the Accidental Casualties Facebook group? Might be helpful. I also lost a family member in my accident just after Christmas in ā08. I was really excited and happy to see them before it happened too. So, maybe I can understand a bit. Iād be happy to talk if you want to, if it helps to share the burden.
My heart breaks for you and your family. I doubt any court imposed punishment could be worse than the impact of you and your families loss.
Cindy
My experience is fairly new. In two days it will be a month since the horrific accident. I was on my way home from a business trip, was about five miles away from making it home. I was going across a bridge that I have went over multiple times in my lifetime. The bridge ends at an intersection, so there was a stop light at then end of the bridge. The light was red as I was crossing the bridge and I stopped. However, I stopped too far ahead of the stop line. Looking up at the light, I remember… Read more »
A, We share very similar stories. On September 19, 2016, (just the start of my senior year in highschool) I was on my way to school and eager to finally begin painting my senior parking spot. I was on a two lane road (one lane each direction) when the person in front of me braked in what seemed like an attempt to make a last minute left turn. Within an instant, going about 45 mph, the speed limit, I came within feet of running into the back of that vehicle. Before i knew it, i was looking up from my… Read more »
I’ve read a few of these heartbreaking stories, and can’t imagine what you go through at the time, and live with afterwards. You had to make a split-second decision as an inexperienced driver. Even if you’d gone into the back of the car in front, your vehicles may have swerved into the path of the biker. The man who died didn’t suffer. He wouldn’t have wished you any ill, he sounded like a good man. Enjoy the rest of your life in peace, Jade…and just try to be as good a person as he was. He would have been happy… Read more »
Such a great post, in the sense of your attitude. Youāre so strong! Keep it up. Itās really inspiring and I think itās right.
The man I hit died 2 days ago, and I found out via Facebook post from an angry family member on the comments of the article written after the accident 2 weeks before. My heart is broken, and itās broken with yours – this is unspeakable pain, but youāre not alone in it. Iām barely 30, had only married just 2 months to the day it happened, and I donāt know how to explain to my 9-year-old son that bad things happen to good people like us. Praying for strength for you, too, my friend.
I can relate to your tragedy as I was involved in an accident in 2016 where I ended the life of a motorcycle driver, age 23 with my teenager in the car. It has literally turned my life upside down and I have had days where I simply hoped I wouldnāt wake up so I would not have to relive it daily, feel fearful of what people think of me and simply deal with guilt and shame. I know in my heart there will never be a day that I donāt remember it or think of it …..as itās usually… Read more »
Hello “A”, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. Please feel free to join us. We’d be glad to have and support you! -Theresa “Tree”
I am so thankful to have found this site. It has helped me in so many ways, to aid and cope with the fact that my 18 yr old recently became a CADI. He saved every dime he had from graduation to purchase a boat. He is a amateur competitive fisherman. Makes it back to the main road (four lane) from the residence from which he purchased the boat from. A very long story short, he gets hit broad side by a small car and his truck flips. The car had two people in it. The passenger later passed away… Read more »
Ann, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. Please feel free to join us, or have your son join, if you can encourage him. We’d… Read more »
June 18 2017 was the worst day of my life. I was on the skid steer talking to my sister about her putting diesel in the other machine. As I backed up I saw her walking the other way to get in the other skid steer to go put diesel in it. Something happened I don’t know if my sister fell down. I don’t know if what I had on the skid steer pallet pushed her down. But I did feel the machine do a dip which normally means it has a flat tire but I got out of the… Read more »
You are in my heart. I don’t pray, but I prayed for you.
Jackie, We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. I am SO sorry for your multiple traumas. You may be suffering from C (Complex)-PTSD. I hope… Read more »
One of the worst things about killing someone in an accident, is that you can never talk about it openly, for fear of judgement or worse. Add that to the panic attacks, alcohol abuse, anxiety/depression, PTSD and generally feeling like you’ve deserved to die for decades and it’s not a great existence. But no-one really cares, because it’s not socially acceptable to have run someone over, people always think you are somehow to blame, even if they don’t say it… And that’s why I said it’s hard not being able to share your trauma, like it’s shameful and somehow a… Read more »
Dear Silver
My heart echos yours.
Your eloquent words reflect my pain. And as we and others know, neither beauty nor eloquence, can remove the daily torture.
Your words make me sad but in an odd why comfort me. I know others also struggle on a daily basis, until now and your written word I did feel alone with my strugle. I just wanted you to thank you for using your ability to at least have an impact on me. Good or bad I never know but your words are a part of who I am. Thank you
Hi Silver! Your words are true and how many of us feel. We have a support group, http://www.accidentalcasualties.com there is info there! ā¤ļø
Well said Silver. I am also very thankful to have found this website and grateful for the person who put it together and for the people who have posted stories, etc. It gives me some comfort just to know I’m not alone. My story is under the personal stories tab if you are interested. And also, yes the support group is something I may check out sometime. But mostly I prefer not to think about any of this.
You put it really well. The judgement, panic attacks, alcohol abuse, etc. I feel the exact same way. My husband committed suicide because I finally got the courage to leave him when I met another man in a similar situation to my situation. He gave me the strength to leave an emotionally abusive situation. My husband was a wonderful family man who loved his children and he loved me on a more obsessive level. He had so many redeeming qualities but his emotional abuse got to be too much so he bought a gun and killed himself because of me.… Read more »
You did not cause his death. He did that.
Others may blame you, but you did nothing wrong, nothing abusive or aggressive. You just left an abusive situation. If he could not live with himself and the situation he created, that was his choice. It was never you who killed him. He did that.
Don’t let him continue to make your life miserable. His chosen actions are not your fault. You didn’t choose them.
Thank you for your words. “generally feeling like youāve deserved to die for decades”. Wow. I have never seen or spoken with anyone who has been through the same type of experience and can put what I feel into words. I struggle with this feeling frequently still, 9 years later. I’m not suicidal. I will just have a random thought of “you don’t deserve to live” or “you deserve to die in a car accident.” Sometimes I will just be walking or lying in bed and have a quick flashback. I have never told anyone of my struggles. Most of… Read more »
Thatās exactly how I feel even though everyone keeps saying it was a horrible unfortunate ACCIDENT. N it was but itās hard not to feel guilty even if youāre not. Iām not sure Iāll make it through this or even that I should
Dear Anonymous, I am so sorry that you are suffering so much guilt and distress as a result of the accident. Those of us who have had similar experiences understand how much pain you are in — and we also can promise you that you can and will feel better. Please seek support and help coping from a psychotherapist or clergy — or you can contact the suicide prevention lifeline at 1 800 273-8255. This tragedy does not need to define you as a person, and you can find a way to honor the victim through the choices you make… Read more »
I’m not a CADI, but your post made me think carefully about something. My first thought upon reading these is something like, wow, one has to be so careful in life, one has to take so many precautions. But I’m realizing now that this could happen to anyone. It does not matter how many precautions you take; nobody can foresee the future with perfect clarity. I could become a CADI on my way to work tomorrow morning. All it requires is a horrific confluence of factors, a single moment, and inescapable human finitude. I am humbly grateful to everyone who… Read more »
Silver, thank you for these words. I can barely type for crying. They express so much of the pain that just stays inside of me.
Dear Silver, I know exactly what you mean about not being able to talk about it. With inspiration from this amazing page if Maryann Gray’s I created a site where we can all talk to one another securely and privately. We have a support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people… Read more »
When I was 16, my best friend (who was 14) and I were on our way back to my house after seeing a movie. It had been raining for days and it was dark. I didn’t know that the gully on either side of the road had flooded over the road. When the car hit that spot we hydroplaned and the car flipped. The last thing I heard before blacking out was her screams. I was to blame, although I wasn’t blamed. The final report listed it as an accident. My best friend’s mother made sure to tell me that… Read more »
Hi Michelle I just read ur post hun. Ur amazing. You were not at fault yet I see why you think you were. For starters at 16 your barely an adult your still very much a child.
I think you brave to ask to speak to ur friend and Iām glad you did. Your friend saw ur daughter as you because clearly she must either look like you or have your manner that only she can see. To her like her you have not aged honey.
Hugs to you šššš
Michelle, We have a closed/ private/ screened support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. With the combination of a trauma counselor I think you’ll find it of great… Read more »
I tried clicking the icon but it only prompted me to post and I believe it was prompting to post on my page which I definitely donāt want to do. But I need help and Iām not sure where else to turn. A concerned friend shared this site and Iām grateful to feel Iām not alone but it canāt change what happened. Nothing can. I just keep praying Iāll wake up n find this was all just some horrible nightmare but itās not. Itās real n Iām lost
Hi Kim,
It shouldn’t prompt you to post but to send a join request to the group. Please feel free to email me at: admin@accidentalcasualties.com and I will walk you through it. <3
-Tree
Michelle sharing your story is a step to healing! Accepting that your friend is at peace and no matter what there is a huge aspect of this tragedy was truly out of your control. Forgiveness of ourselves is the daily struggle! You are not just branded a CADI, I also see you are a wife and mom. This is just apart of your journey!
You are not alone! I also struggle with fear of ultimate doom, my loved one or I will die tragically in an accident!
If you are on Facebook there is a support group! Peace to you!
Hi Michelle, So sorry to hear of your accident and the awful struggles you have to endure. Most of us in here know your pain one way or another and know how hard it is to bear. It’s awesome that the family has been supportive of you. Sounds like it was an unfortunate accident. It’s hard not to worry and wonder if one of your own may someday be taken. I wondered that too. A good Christian friend once told me that we have a very loving God and he would never do a thing like that to punish us.… Read more »
53 years ago my elder brother (he was five at the time) was taken from us in a road accident. He just rode out of the drive on his scooter straight under a truck. I was less than one year old, this was in the early sixties in the UK. No counseling, no help for me or my middle brother. ‘Stiff upper lip’, I think this has negatively affected me and most of my relationships for the past five decades, except for my relationship with my own two daughters. I have often thought of the poor man driving the truck,… Read more »
I am replying to your comment because I donāt know where to just post a new post. My daughter is now 12 years old. I am lucky. I say that because someone asking me where my daughter was is the only reason Iām not posting like you. It was my daughters one year birthday and I had driven over to a friends house to set up for her birthday. Balloons, streamers etc. It was July. My husband and his mother had left the house when I did but they headed to the grocery store to pick up the cake. I… Read more »
Four years ago, I forgot my 18mo son in a hot car in August in Phoenix, AZ. He was saved by strangers who notified EMS to a baby locked in a car. Up until that point, I had been VERY judgmental and NEVER understood how anyone could forget their child. Then, it happened to me. It was a simple mental/memory slip. I was treated and tried as a criminal. I punished myself every chance I got. I was required by the court to attend counseling. Best and worst thing ever. Worst because I had to tell a roomful of strangers… Read more »
Please do not hate yourself!You made an honest mistake!My family left me at home in my bed when I was an infant. My Mother thought my older sister had me in the backseat and my Sister thought my r had me in the front seat They had to call an Aunt to go and get me after quite a bit of time had passed by!I was premature and a very quite baby š¼ and student at school! I was an observer and not a talker and not a cryer so. I fell asleep another time in a dresser drawer an… Read more »
For the past few years i have Been with an amazing guy who i have More in common with than anyone i know. He was family to me along with his three beautiful, smart, funny, amazing kids. I have Spent the last year and a half helping him to raise them, taking them to school, Friday morning donuts, doing homework, making dinner/ school lunches, being Santa and everything in between. I just Started college and my life was in a great spot with some of the most amazing people that i could Surround myself with. My boyfriend had been in… Read more »
Oct 30, 2007 is a day I will never forget. I was coming home with my son from trick-or-treat night. I was only a few blocks from home. It was dark, though there were a few street lights in between the dark the darkness. I passed two cars coming towards me and as I was passing them a woman had walked out in front of me behind those cars. I never saw her until she was flying over my hood and hit my windshield. I stopped immediately and told my son to stay in the car. She was not in… Read more »
May the God.of grace and mercy comfort you and your family
Hi Vickie, On October 30, 2017, at approximately 8:30 PM, while southbound on a notoriously deadly road, a young man had come off a bus which had just passed me. Three or four seconds later I hit what seemed an apparition on this very dark, dangerous road. I hit him. It was surreal. I have not now gotten over it and don’t believe I ever will. I go to therapy every week and see a psychiatrist every month. I have horrible nightmares. My nerves are shot to pieces and there has not been one single day that I don’t relive… Read more »
Joaquin, I am so sorry! š We have a closed/ private/ screened support group you can link to by clicking the Facebook icon/little blue box at: accidentalcasualties.com. You have to provide some screening questions as it is for CADIs or their parents, only. We have some psychological support from professionals in group but also speaking with others there who understand is EXCEPTIONALLY helpful in healing. All of the people in the group of now 90 or so are experiencing the same grief, etc. as yourself and are exceptionally caring and empathetic. With the combination of a trauma counselor I think… Read more »
I know your pain because Iām feeling it right now. Thank you so much for sharing
Hi Everyone. On December 8th I dropped my car off at a shop to get worked on. My cousin was going to pick me up so I didnāt have to wait. I had asked her if she wanted me to drive and she let me drive like Iād done many times before. We got on the two lane highway and there was a car in the right lane going slow so I decided to pass them in the left lane. I did not get back over because there was a sharp (almost 90 degree) turn coming up and an enterance… Read more »
In Aug of 2012 my best friendās daughter- who was my daughterās best friend- was killed at my house. She was like my own and only 14 years old. My best friend hasnāt talked to me since except to tell me how much she hates me and that itās my fault. I donāt disagree with her and still deal daily with the guilt. Both girls attempted to jump on the running boards of my oldest sonās truck unbeknownst to him. She fell off and was killed instantly by the rear tire of the truck. My daughter saw the entire thing.… Read more »
Oh momma. Weāve all done silly things like that and it not end up in a tragedy. Please donāt feel responsible. This was an accident and no one is to blame.
@Caroline. I wish I could hug you and just be there for you. You are NOT to blame. The girls were 14 years old and not 4. You should not have to follow around and watch 14 year olds. I’m very sorry how this has affected both families relationships with each other. Hold tight to your family and remaining friends and let them be there for you. You may still blame yourself, but it’s easier going through life knowing you have loved ones by your side. I found much comfort and healing in music and nature. Try and find your… Read more »
You are not to blame! that is grief talking…she will find it in her heart to “forgive you” someday. They were just kids playing outside which unfortunately resulted in tragedy. You weren’t even there when it happened. Please do not beat yourself up