Hi Sarah –

Thank you so much for writing – and I am so sorry for what you went through and what you continue to experience – it’s tragic and it truly stinks.

And while I don’t have an exact answer to your question, I do have a couple of thoughts.

First off, kudos to you for self-care. So many, maybe even most people, who’ve gone through what you’ve gone through do not take the kind of therapeutic steps necessary to gain better control of their lives – so, well done – and it sounds like this is something you’re continuing to pay attention to — being mindful of the severity of your trauma and the strategies available to help.

Next, I’d like to comment on that word ‘closure.’ I think that when we go through what we’ve gone through, there’s never ‘closure.’

This term, to me, connotes this idea that there will be some point when all that will ever happen as a result of our accidental killing has happened, and the horizon is clean and clear and free of any impingement from the past.

But what we’ve done is take a life. And the fact that we remember the anniversary and that these sticky memories are still around tell me that we don’t need to await closure, but coping. The latter reminds me that I have done something hugely harmful, and I can’t bring back the dead, nor fill in the hole that is in the souls of those victims’ loved ones (not to mention, me).

What I can do is find a way to cope with what I’ve done and, hopefully find ways to honor my victim with the life I go on to live.

It sounds like you are well upon this journey and I wish you well. Do pop in to visit us at our monthly Fellowship meetings – one thing that helps me cope is you and our friends around the world who are in similar circs – praying for you!

Chris+

My question for fellow CADIs with post-traumatic amnesia: how did you cope with it? Was it something you wanted to try to accept and move on, or did you try to access the memory with therapeutic techniques? It’s been 11 years and I only have bad days near the anniversary of the accident, but I still lack closure regarding the event.

Hi Delia –

What a heartfelt story – thanks so much for sharing it!

Regarding your questions, I think that every day we are re-defined. Each encounter with each person, in small and subtle ways, changes us. And when we experience something as traumatic as accidental death, certainly it adds to the shaping and molding that life does to us. But shaping is different than defining. You are not the worst thing you’ve ever done. Period. Our work is to have the best thing we’ve ever done define us.

My friends tell me the same thing about my accident ‘It wasn’t your fault, just let it go.’ But humans are built to love – and when circumstances come up like this, and our loving selves actually do the opposite, we suffer a moral injury — we’ve violated our inner conviction that we shouldn’t so these things.

I’m so glad you’re in therapy – this is our #1 ally and I encourage you to attend our monthly Fellowship meetings. You have probably noticed that we offer Peer Support and Expressive Writing workshops where we can find even more healing.

Much love,

Fr. Chris+

Hi Mary –

Thank you so much for sharing this! And you are not alone. I, for one, share these haunting feelings – and the pain of hidden feelings – that can be really painful.

I would, first off, recommend you get regular counseling. I know most people don’t like to hear this, but there likely are counselors near you that are affordable or even free, and I think this would be a great step for as you navigate these intrusive thoughts and find healthy ways to share and talk with your husband.You might also consider joining our monthly Fellowship meetings, where you may be able to get even better ideas.

Thanks again for posting!

Chris+

Hi Richard –

Thank you so much for sharing your story. And I am so happy that this accident did not turn out the way so many others do. Your feelings of gratitude and optimism are really helpful – and the fact that you’re extra considerate of pedestrians is a great way to find ways to learn and grow through this experience.

Sending you grace and peace,

Chris+

Holy hell that is awful. I am so sorry. I can imagine how tramatic that must have been. It never really leavs us, just changes us. I hope you have found your own silver lining! Hope you are having a nice day!

There is the grief of mourning the lost loved one but also a secondary anguish when you are the direct cause of the death. I have been unable to pull them apart, nor able to resolve them together.

Since my tragedy, I have encountered so many other people who have been responsible for the death of their pet or even their child, either through action or inaction. We carry these burdens like lonely ghosts struggling through the fog with heavy burdens, tear stained faces downturned and unaware of the others around us.

I am not clear on what it means to forgive myself. She worked so hard for me and did anything that I asked of her. And yet, I failed her. What does self-forgiveness look like?

.Thank you for ur advice and access to speak with others

Hi Erin –

Thank you us much for writing —

I am so sorry to hear this! I can’t imagine how devastated you are – and I commend you for continuing to go to therapy! Please take good notes – and hopefully you can continue therapy when you are incarcerated.

I will certainly pray for you — as it must be so difficult to envision separation from you kids for so long. It sounds like you believe in God – and perhaps this is a God who promises to care for you and guide you. If this is the case I would try to find time to regularly remind you of these things: leaving behind your intrusive thoughts and making space for something more positive – and real – can be helpful. I imagine your therapist has some good strategies here.

Please know that you are not your failures. You are not defined by the worst thing you’ve ever done. You have the creative light of God in you and despite the mistakes you’ve made, you’ve made far more good decisions than bad ones. Do join us for our monthly fellowship meetings if you can – they’re online and can be really helpful.

Again, thanks so much for writing in – this is a community of people who’ve done the same thing – we get you! And we love you.

Chris+

Hi Mary —

Great question.

In my small world – anecdotally I think most people carry this weight for the duration of their lives. It does depend on the person regarding the amount of bandwidth this occupies and the runway upon which they can launch into a more healthy way of being in the world.

I realize those answers may not be super-helpful, but I’ve known people who are severely impaired and those who are less so. A therapist can always help us develop ways of coping more positively and finding a place for these sticky thoughts.

You are always welcome to join us at our monthly support groups and be around a wider variety of folk who may have more helpful answers than I do.

Peace to you – and thank you so much for writing!

Chris+